So, you’ve met The One, or at least you think you have. And as a normal, functioning human being in complete control of your actions, you aren’t going to turn into some crazy (over)stalker and completely ruin your chances, are you? Lol, jk, of course you are. We’ve all done it. It’s part of the fun of dating.
1. Daily Facebook Stalking
Spending more time on his/her Facebook profile than yours is the first rule of The Stalkers Guide To Dating. And, checking their profile before you even clear your own notifications? Welcome to Desperateville. Population you.
2. Reply Rules
If you had it your way, you text back and forth non-stop, but they don’t seem quite so keen. To counteract your desperate urge to over-text (don’t do the double text … you’re better than that), you’ve come up with a set of rules on how quickly you can text back. This system is based on their daily routine and background record of replying. Te specifics of which would give MI5 Headquarters a run for their money.
3. Ex-Knowledge
You can recite a list of their recent exes in chronological order. No, they didn’t give you that information.
4. Thorough Twittering
You’ve scrolled down to at least 2009 on their Twitter feed, and not just the media section. The whole thing. You have to stop yourself from revealing your stalking ways by looking nonchalant when she/he tells you the story you already read on his/her blog from two years ago.
5. Ghost Profiling
You’ve created another profile, whether it be a second OKCupid account or another Facebook account, so that you can routinely check up on his/her actions without being shown as online yourself. Because you want to pretend you’re out being impossibly cool about all this when really you’ve been sat in your onesie attached to your iPhone checking when she was last online. And obsessing over why.
6. Picture Hunting
You’ve gone on to their friends and families profiles and hunted through for untagged pictures so you can naw over how cute they are when they don’t even realize it.
7. Inappropriate Networking
Oh, you have a mutual friend? OK, so they may just be someone from kindergarten or an ex work colleague, but they suddenly become your BEST FUCKING FRIEND. So that you can find out all about your crush while pretending to be interested in what your third grade bestie has been up to all these years.
8. Finger Slip Freak Outs
*represses urge to make crude joke*
I once accidentally liked my crushes Facebook profile picture from 2006 because I pressed the wrong part of my cracked iPhone screen while flipping through for the fifth time that day. Which, thanks to Facebooks “Show everyone your shit” policy, was shared with all mutual friends. Smooth, Emily, real smooth. And, it’s not like I could unlike it could I? Everyone knew and to this day I still get the piss taken out of me for it, which is fair.
9. The Ultimate Stalk
Finding out where he/she is going to be and just happening to be going to the same events/parties and trying really hard to keep your poker face and specifically don't talk to them. Not first, anyway...
10. Location Checking
The seasoned stalker will already know this, but if you click on a message on Facebook Chat it will show you not only the date and time, but a “Check In” style map point of where the message was sent from. So unless he/she has been sensible enough to change their settings, you can literally track their movements via FB Chat. The Stalkers Dream.
So as you all rush off to make sure your own settings aren’t set to “Stalk Me”, try to keep a check on how much of a stalker you’re being yourself. Although the first rule of The Stalkers Manifesto is that if no one else knows you’re doing it, it totally doesn’t count.
About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter
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