There’s Nothing Sexier Than Knowing Your HIV Status

In a world where people still use the word “clean” to refer to those who aren’t living with HIV, it’s clear that there’s still a lot of stigma about being (or dating) someone with HIV. But we have more tools than ever to make sure those who are negative continue to be so no matter who they happen to date. Today’s antiretroviral medications can suppress the viral load of those who are positive, making them highly unlikely to transmit HIV even without the use of a condom. Meanwhile, PrEP — the pre-exposure prophylaxis also known as the HIV prevention pill — has been shown to be up to 99 percent effective in preventing HIV transmission between serodiscordant couples. Sex across between positive and negative partners has never been safer. After years of condom-only safer sex messages, we finally have options to explore our sexualities and still play safe.  But, in this brave new world of sexual opportunity you have to know your status in order to know what safety gear (or meds) you need to play the field.   

Knowing whether or not you have HIV is the sexiest choice of all when it comes to dating and here’s why.

Honesty is the best method of safe sex. Once you get your HIV test, regardless of status, it’s time to play safe. Out of all of the tools in your safe-sex toolbox, honesty is the most effective when it comes to preventing HIV. Whether it is being honest with yourself or with your sexual partners, telling the truth about your HIV status, or when your last HIV test was, honesty can have up to a 100 percent efficacy ratio when used correctly. It doesn’t matter whether you are a top or a bottom, HIV-positive or HIV-negative, using honesty will allow you to combine other methods of prevention to ensure your safety without taking away from your ability to have a good time in the sack. But here’s the catch: you can’t be truly honest if you avoid knowing the truth. It’s only by knowing your status that you can really be honest about HIV.

Knowing your status means you’re brave. All that stigma around HIV makes getting tested for HIV a scary prospect; you may face rejection from your family, your friends, your sexual partners and even your church. There are plenty of people who deal with that fear by denial. Some folks even think it’s better not to know. But without knowing, you can’t really live your best life. We all have to make a choice. You can either anguish over the potential rejection and gossip you’ll be subjected to or you can thrive off of those who only want happiness for you. No matter who you are or what your status may be, make sure your own hand isn’t holding the knife wedged in your back. Facing the unknown is always scary, but there’s nothing sexy about someone who lets fear limit their life.

Getting tested shows you believe in those who support you.  Sure, you might feel lonely sometimes, but knowing your status is proof you are part of a social world, a world where you have and will interact with other people on an intimate level. Getting tested amidst all this HIV stigma also means you have people you believe will support you — otherwise you’d still be hiding in your room. You know the people who really love you would want you to get diagnosed and start treatment for something that could be a manageable chronic condition; rather than waiting until it has become a life-threatening illness. Being the kind of person who has a supportive social network is way sexier than being the kind of person who is surrounded by people who’d reject them for having health issues.

Knowing your status means you have confidence. Confidence is sexy. When you’re confident you actually hold your body a different way, standing taller, holding your head high. You meet people’s eyes, you are willing to let people see the real you because you’ve accepted who you are. There’s something magnetic about confident people. If it is love or a relationship you seek, someone will believe that you are worth taking to breakfast the next morning only if you do. There are countless reasons why someone will reject you, but the right person will only stick around if you believe you are worth it. Getting tested for HIV is a sign that you know you can deal with whatever life throws at you. Whatever the outcome is, that confidence is sexy.

Because treatment is the new sexy. If your test is positive, you can act quickly, get treated (with what, for many, is generally only 1 pill a day), and often get to an even healthier body than you had before because you're in care. Even better, you're utilizing Treatment as Prevention (or TasP), which is when someone who is HIV-positive achieves an undetectable viral load through the use of consistent antiretroviral medication, to change your dating and sex life forever. When a person with HIV has a viral load that is suppressed to undetectable levels, they reduce their risk of transmitting the disease by 96 percent (which makes it statistically safer than our old standby, condoms!). To date, there has not been one confirmed case of someone with a suppressed viral load who has transmitted HIV. Study after study, TasP has been proven to work. When evaluated with the added benefits associated with antiretroviral meds, it’s simply the best HIV prevention methods out there. Imagine a dating life in which you know you can neither acquire HIV nor pass it to others? That’s sexy.

It means you take responsibility for your own health. As much as we’d like to see HIV testing become part of routine medical screening; at the moment, people generally don’t get tested unless they think they may have come in contact with HIV. While others are in denial about how their activities or partners may have put them at risk, you’ve acknowledged that risky behavior, safer sex slip-up, broken condom, drug use, or choice of partner may have exposed you to the virus. Getting tested enables you to learn your status, which is the first step in maintaining your physical, mental, and sexual health. You know your health may be impacted by what others do, but you’re the one who has to make the healthy decisions about your own body.

Knowing your status means cracking that closet door, sometimes twice. Studies have proven that being in the closet isn’t good for your mental or physical health. Coming out is always healthy. The first person you come out to is yourself; whether you’re acknowledging you might be bisexual, recognizing you’re an atheist, or getting tested to learn your HIV status, it all starts with you. The fact that you’ve taken that first step is sexy. Coming out as HIV-positive may seem like about as good of an idea as a face tattoo, and fear of rejection will gnaw away at your self-confidence while you toy around in your newfound closet until you start talking. The more you talk, the easier it gets. Sharing difficult information about ourselves is a critical element in developing intimacy — whether it be with friends or lovers. Your willingness to open up can become one of the sexiest things about you.  

For those with access to healthcare, not knowing your status is kind of a dick move. Here’s the deal: We know between 13 percent of people with HIV don’t know they have it. They are the people from whom most others are getting HIV. Many of those folks lack of access to healthcare or transportation or are so deeply disenfranchised that they haven’t been able to get tested. But for a lot of us, not getting tested happens because we think we’ve never had unsafe sex or sex with an HIV-positive person, or we’re afraid, we’d rather not know, or we don’t think it matters. Even if you don’t care enough about yourself to know, just think of the next guy or gal you’re having sex with. Wouldn’t it be a lot sexier if you knew your status and how to best protect your health and theirs?

Knowing your status opens up your sex life. Orgasms are wonder drugs; your doctor wants you to keep having them. Other people are still attracted to you, but now you can assure them you know your status and how best deal with it. And there are plenty of attractive HIV-positive people out in the world today including models, athletes, musicians, and even a slightly crazy leading man TV star. You’ll still be attractive and desirable regardless of what that test says. You may actually feel sexier and more confident knowing the answer; and that will make you sexier to others too.