'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap: To Hell with Everyone

The end is nigh, eager viewers, but there is still more horror to be had this week in everyone’s favorite Coven. We kick off with an explanation of the Seven Wonder as explained in classic silent movie form. What are the Seven Wonders you may ask? The vague definition is, “Seven acts of magic so advanced, each pushes the boundaries of craft into art.” Okay, great, but what are they specifically, silently movie title cards? 1) Telekinesis 2) Concilium (“control of the mind”) 3) Transmutation 4) Divination 5) Vitalum Vitalis (“the balancing of scales between one life force and another”) 6) Descensum (“A perilous descent into the nether worlds of the afterlife”) and 7th but not least) Pyrokinesis. Now usually I don’t love these little gags American Horror Story tends to indulge in, but the silent movie thing is a cute, effective way to give us a ton of definitions without having the characters engage in lots of forced dialogue.

But not before too long Fiona comes in with some forced dialogue about how performing the Seven Wonders could be super deadly. Queenie knows the biggest danger comes from Fiona killing the next Supreme once the Wonders reveals her, and they get into a tiff involving Marie’s disappearance that ends in Fiona mentally strangling Queenie (as per usual). Fiona declares that on Saturday the girls will perform the Seven Wonders or die trying. There’s so few of them left and most of them have already died, so this is so hardly climactic.

Cordelia is back to being super blind (and super disturbing-looking), and keeps trying to touch Madison to learn her dirty, mystical secrets (i.e. burying Misty Day). Madison at first keeps transmutating away from her, but when Cordelia finally touches her she sees nothing at all.

Queenie goes on a magical quest to find Marie, but somehow ends up splitting herself in two and going back in time to her days working at the fast food restaurant. Papa Legba joins the party and explains that the chicken shack is literally Queenie’s personal Hell. 

She’s able to escape back to the only kinda-Hell that is Miss Robichaux’s, and Papa Legba, impressed by her powers, is there as well. He’s so impressed he announces he’ll help her save Marie, who is currently getting tortured by Delphine. Over tea, Legba and Queenie plot how to save Marie and destroy Delphine using the loophole of Marie not being able to fulfill her deal with Legba if she’s chopped up all over Louisiana. Cheers! Now end tie up these loose ends and wrap this season up!

Delphine, now clean cut and well-dressed, leads a tour of her home and describes her past self as a kind, charitable humanitarian. When the tourists insists that, um, Past Delphine LaLaurie was actually a sadistic maniac, Present Delphine (still a sadistic maniac), insists it was all lies and that the attic was used for “storage.” So how did Delphine get this gig? 

Turns out she wasn’t so fond of the information the previous tour guide was sharing, so she axed her in the face and stored her in the attic (pro tip: not usually the best way to handle an irritating tour guide). Queenie insists Delphine let the tour guide go and choose a path of good and repentance. Delphine tries to turn this into a social commentary about Paula Deen and Anthony Weiner (neither of whom tortured dozens of people in attics), but the moment the speech turns to racism Queenie stabs her. Surprise! Delphine’s mortal now and blood gushes all over her hopefully-forever-dead corpse. 

Fiona gets her Supreme portrait done while Frances Conroy wanders around and mumbles about things. The painting is interrupted when Fiona gets a bloody nose and an attack of the mortality blues. Privately, Cordelia confronts her, not too thrilled about Fiona forcing the girls to perform the Seven Wonders. 

Fiona’s not too thrilled Cordelia horrifyingly gouged her eyes out, but she seems to be feeling a little less soul-less, because she tearfully gives Cordelia her grandmother’s necklace. The moment Cordelia touches it, she realizes that Fiona may really finally saying goodbye. As Fiona puts on the necklace Cordelia flashes to what one can only assume is the future -- a brutally murdered Madison, Zoe, Misty, Queenie, and finally Cordelia, whose necklace the still very much alive Fiona takes back. Aha, Fiona wasn’t saying goodbye because of cancer! She was saying goodbye because of lots and lots of murder. Cordelia finally makes a good choice and doesn’t tell Fiona about this vision. She does tell Axeman, but only to turn him on Fiona by showing him a plane ticket Fiona bought and telling him he was being used the entire time. Looks like Fiona never really planned on sitting on a peaceful farm porch with her ghost murderer boyfriend like he was hoping! Have we all forgotten the woman literally has no soul? No soul. We cannot be surprised anymore when it turns out she’s not all about warm fuzzies.

Cordelia continues her ‘touching things’ rampage and ends up finding Misty Day. Using Wonder #5, “Vitalum Vitalis,” Queenie revives Misty (and it’s about damned time, it’s been too long since we’ve seen some Lily Rabe). As Myrtle and Madison discuss Misty’s “mysterious”/Madison-totally-did-it disappearance, Zoe and Kyle show back up at the house. 

Wait, they were all set to go to Disney World! What happened? There was awesome 80s synth music! Myrtle’s equally unthrilled that they’ve returned to Murderville, and Zoe recounts how, though they tried to run away, after Kyle killed a confrontational homeless man and Zoe used magic to bring him back to life, she realized she couldn’t escape what she is. And also that she’s the next Supreme. These girls really need to A) stop being excited about that and B) stop saying it out loud. Has NO ONE seen what happens on this show??

Queenie and Cordelia bring Misty back to the house, and Misty provides one of Coven’s top moments ever by attempting to beat Madison to death because she “doesn’t want to waste her magic” on her.

Kyle, ever the bringer of peace, splits them up before Axeman, covered in blood, tries to axe them all. They stop him, then discover that the blood he’s covered in is Fiona’s.

Looks like it’s time for a flashback! Fiona enters the room, thrown by the sound of absolutely no jazz music. She and Axeman try to talk out their issues as well as two horrible psychopaths can, but he has clearly had enough of Fiona’s dramatic monologues and axes her in the back. Bonus tidbit: Cordelia reveals that Fiona was also fed to alligators and cannot be brought back to life. Well. Movin’ right along. Myrtle believes they shouldn’t kill Axeman since he did them a favor by killing Fiona, but the girls aren’t feeling that approach. “We really don’t need a man to protect us,” Misty announces as they all grab a knife and stab him to re-death.

Back at the Torture Attic, Delphine is dragged into a cell next to her daughter Boquita and weeps over not being able comfort her (that’s a first). “I am consumed with regret!” Delphine cries as Marie reveals herself from the shadows. When Boquita proclaims she’s thirsty, Marie slits Delphine’s throat, pours it into a cup, and feeds it to her daughter. Bingo! There’s the completely disturbing sentence I knew I’d have to write tonight. Just as Marie is about to torture poor Boquita (seriously, what did this girl do to anyone?), she wakes up from a sort of trance, confused about how she got there and disturbed by all the super-torture.

Papa Legba knows what’s up though, and announces that even though Delphine has been released from immortality, she now has to spend her afterlife in the attic. Did anyone think there was really going to be a happy ending? Marie tries to insist that there’s no reason to for her to be in Hell as well since she lived a moderately not totally horrible life, but Papa Legba reminds her of all the babies she’s sacrificed to him and she’s shut down. Now Marie is forever doomed to torture Boquita and Delphine, and I’m doomed to wonder what the hell Boquita did to deserve this. Every character on this show is a despicable human being and she is not one of them, dammit! #TeamBoquita forever!

To end on a slightly happy note (as if we could even try), the Coven hangs Fiona’s Supreme painting on the wall and reminisces about the good times for two seconds before they remember she was a monster.

Because Fiona failed to find a new Supreme, they are now all forced to attempt the Seven Wonders immediately in order to name the next Supreme. With Fiona, Delphine, and Marie’s next-level torture drama out of the way, next week might actually be (dare I say it?) kind of fun. Let the games begin.