High Femmes Rejoice! How to Have Long Nails and Not Kill Anyone

I’m femme AF. Give me pink hair, long nails, and heels that keep me higher than my weed. When it comes to talons, however, the struggle is real. While there are oh-so-many ways to please an orifice, hands are helpful. I want to leave my partner’s vagina with a memorable experience, but not a trip to the emergency room. Thankfully, you can have your long nails and eat your pussy too.

Here’s how to wear talons and NOT kill anyone.

Nail Design

While trends come and go, the four typical nail shapes are round, stiletto, square, and the goth-fabulous coffin. In my opinion, stilettos are the most vicious, but anything pointy can get you into trouble. Both square and coffin nails also come with pointy edges. Therefore, if you plan on getting into some finger-banging or fisting action, a rounded nail is the safest bet. We’re talking about long nails here, so I assume you want to wear them at a length greater than your fingertips. People don’t write articles about queer sex with short finger nails just like they don’t write about how to make straight vanilla sex more boring (because like, what’s the point??).

Sometimes in life we have to compromise. The best compromise you can make between your fabulous nail fetish and love for queer sex is to go with a round nail. If you want something extra, make up for it with some cute nail art. Avoid added bling such as jewels, because that can be ouch-y. I once had a gold chain glued onto my nail in the shape of my initials. It felt fab, but when I left Chelsea to go back to my lover’s apartment, sadly her vagina did not get the attention it deserved. If I had followed my own advice, perhaps it could have (even with that gold nail chain). Even with the most far-out nail embellishments, with a few tricks, you can still get people off.

Practice

Do we even need an excuse to masturbate more? No, but I’m going to give you one. After you get your new gel nail extensions (or acrylic, if you’re feeling '90s) go home and finger yourself. Be careful and go slow, but practice rubbing your clit, stroking your cock, and (of course) fingering your vagina or butthole until you become comfortable with your new claws. Do it until you get off. Make sure to wash your hands before you go out later, no matter how nasty you’re feeling, because bodily fluids easily get stuck behind long nails. While fingering and handjobs are super safe sex, one can never be too careful.

Gloves

I hope that if you did opt for embellishments, nothing came off inside of you or your partner before you learned about gloves. (A lost sequin inside a vagina is an infection waiting to happen.) This is where latex (or nitrile, if you or your partner has a latex allergy) comes into play. Anyone in the play party or fetish scene is already very familiar with latex gloves. Opt for black ones because they’re kinkier and more aesthetically pleasing. (Hello medical fetish!)

When you wear gloves over your pointy nails, you create a nice barrier between anything pointy and the orifice at hand. It smooths and covers the edges and makes for a safer experience. Not to mention hand sex with gloves (especially when used with lube) glides easier, regardless of how long your nails are. Think of the gloves as a kinky condom for your femme fingers.

Cotton Balls

If you ignored all my prior advice and went with a stiletto nail complete with Swarovski crystals, respect. But for the sake of your sex life, wrap a little cotton around your nails, and then put your shiny new latex gloves on. This will prevent anything pointy from breaking through the latex or nitrile and injuring your partner.

I know, wrapping nails in cotton and then sticking them in a pair of gloves sounds like a lot of extra work for some fooling around. But while it takes some practice, sex can still feel good with precautions in place. You have to work for beauty, bitch!