An Open Letter To All Tops to Please Stop being So Damn Aggressive

Dear Tops,

First off, I want to thank you. If you didn’t exist, then I would never be able to bottom. So you are vital and important members of the gay community, and without you, I would never have known the pleasure of being penetrated by a man.

Now that we’ve got all the thanks out of the way, it’s time we had a talk.

As one of the unicorns in the gay community, someone who both tops and bottoms equally with regularity, I can safely say, I get it. Topping feels really good, like really good. After some hot foreplay, you are more than ready to go. But before you get too excited, we bottoms have something to tell you -- calm the f*ck down.

When I tell you, “Oh God, I’m gonna be so tight, it’s been forever since I’ve bottomed,” I’m telling you this for two reasons. 1. It’s sexy, and yes I’m pretending I’m a delicate, virgin flower. But more importantly... 2. It has actually been a while since I’ve bottomed, so for the love of God, go slowly. Do not start me off by power drilling.  

I just had sex on the 4th of July. Yay! Go me! One thing I had to say repeatedly during sex, “I swear to God if you go harder again I’m going to snap your d*ck off.” Probably not something I should need to say during sex. Definitely not something I should have to say more than once.

Now this guy was/is a good guy. The sex was very consensual. I was turned on, and I wanted to bottom for him. He was simply getting too excited. Lucky for me, I am not one to put up with any shit in bed. So when I told him to pull out ‘cause I was too tight, I literally pushed him out of me. When I told him to go slowly, I literally held his dick inside me so he couldn’t move. These are the perks of being a large ass human being. In the end, it ended up being a very pleasurable experience. Although, after about 10 minutes, I told him he needed to stop. While he was disappointed, I told him, “Get the hell out of here, you’re damn lucky you got 10 minutes out of me.” We both laughed, and then manually stimulated one another until we both finished.  

I know I’m not the rest of the world, and it took me a while to find my voice in the sack. And there were times I didn’t feel comfortable vocalizing (or rather, persistently vocalizing) my desires as a bottom.

So I will say this: When you’re not listening to the desires of the bottom, it is not fun. In fact, it’s actually sexual assault. YUP. Not sexy, not enjoyable, and punishable under federal law. So we know you mean well. And yes, we do want to sleep with you. If you give us adequate time to warm up, odds are we’ll let you plow us hard. We’ll let you pretend you’re a pornstar. But at the end of the day, you need to listen to the bottom a hell of a lot better. Our buttholes are magical wonderlands full of pleasure, but if you keep up with the shenanigans, we will take our buttholes off the market. So unless you decide you’re going to start bending on over for each other, you better listen to our demands.

Tops, it’s time to get your shit together. It’s time to let the bottoms run the show.