Sex is a vulnerable place - we drop a lot of physical and sometimes emotional barriers. The stuff you find yourself thinking during sex can tell you rather too much about the state of your relationship or the inside of your head... Here are 10 thoughts
1)Haven't we done enough of this already?
It would be great to live in a world where we all felt comfortable expressing directly what is or isn’t working for us during sex and encouraged our partners to do things that do work, but alas, we don’t quite live in that world yet. It’s quite difficult when someone you care about – or even someone you don’t know very well but liked enough to take home – is doing a thing to try and please you and it just…isn’t. Probably the best thing to do for both parties is to gently move their head/hand/toy/whatever until it genuinely starts working better, but lots of people feel awkward about doing so, and that’s okay.
2)My ex did this better
Yeah, this one is problematic. Hopefully you and your new girlfriend have such a great and functional relationship out of the bedroom that you’re willing to sacrifice some of the sexual fireworks, but it’s worth bearing in mind that different things work differently with different people, and maybe you could find new sexual things that new girlfriend does better than ex. If that doesn’t work and it’s making you significantly unhappy, lack of sexual chemistry is an acceptable reason to end a relationship, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. I wouldn’t necessarily give that as your reasoning – unless they don’t listen or are significantly selfish, why cause the upset? They might be the perfect for someone else – but ‘just not working for me’ is fine and fair.
3)My crush would do this better
The problem here isn’t necessarily the crush. The problem is negatively comparing the one you're with to someone else in a very vulnerable and intimate situation and finding her wanting. If nothing else, it’s not a very respectful or kind thing to do. If you’re poly and have multiple partners, it’s okay to notice if some things work better with some people than others (although when I was dating multiples, sex always felt so qualitatively different according to who I was having it with that comparisons didn’t really work very well), but if you’re monogamous and sexually unsatisfied, much better to directly address it with your partner than lie there thinking it’s a problem without giving them a chance to fix it. If you’re unhappy enough to end the relationship for other reasons (and are perhaps looking to start one with the crush?) probably better to acknowledge that and act on it rather than, uh, going through the motions.
4)I am ugly and repulsive
Many of us have body dysphoria to varying degrees, and sex is often a trigger, because the combination of full or partial nudity plus emotional vulnerability is a killer. If this happens to you, it’s up to you how you want to deal. I prefer to tell my partner what’s going on and pause for cuddles – I know she'd be upset if she were doing sexual stuff I was feeling terrible about, and I know from experience that affection and non-sexual physical contact really help me feel better. YMMV, but if it happens a lot it’s probably a good idea to give your partner a heads-up and discuss in a non-sexual situation how it’s most helpful for them to respond. If this happened to your partner, follow her lead, but be willing to be loving and reassuring. Pressure is completely counterproductive.
5)Bodies are disgusting, how do I even
Lots of people have difficult mental health stuff around bodies, bodily fluids, general bodily ick, etc, and it can make sex pretty difficult sometimes. Particularly for people with OCD or related disorders, intrusive thoughts around physical stuff can be really problematic, and develop an extra layer of fear and loathing around thoughts during sex. Even people without OCD can be squicky about bits of their bodies, and the proximity of sexy bits to bleedy excretey bits doesn’t exactly help. If you or your partner are having a freakout, you can either push the thoughts away and carry on or communicate, depending on what works for you. It’s probably best to let your partner know in the abstract that this happens, simply so you don’t feel alone with it, but if you feel more functional if you don’t indulge or express your intrusive thoughts, totes fair enough.
6)OMG I need the bathroom
Unless you have VERY PARTICULAR fetishes, this can be the awkwardest thing ever. I’d always rather just stop, do the necessary, cleanse thoroughly and then carry on, but then I have IBS and a history of dating people with similar issues, so I’m used to being upfront about it out of necessity. I’m also pretty good at going from 0-60 in about 10 seconds, so stopping and starting again isn’t a big deal. This has happened to the vast majority of people, though, so you probably know already what works best for you!
7)I would rather be watching Netflix
If sex is fine but dull, that’s really not a good sign. If you just took someone home and turn out not to have much chemistry, fair enough, but if you’re in a long-term relationship and consistently feel like sex is a chore that takes you away from Sense8, that’s kinda an issue. Don’t blame yourself, but by all means discuss it (tactfully) and see what you can do together to make sex more exciting. If you just don’t really want to have sex with your girlfriend ever, think about what that means for your relationship. If you’re fine with it, cool, maybe just watch Netflix together, but if the lack of sexual chemistry is a dealbreaker for you, deal with it together or think about breaking up, opening up, etc etc etc.
8)I hope that’s not contagious
Nothing kills the mood faster than the prospect of an STI. Massive points to anyone who volunteers information at the outset – ‘this is x but it’s not infectious’, ‘I’m being treated for x and it’s not sexually transmitted’ or ‘I have x, so I won’t be getting naked, but we could still do y and z.’ That is massively difficult to do, though, so sometimes it’s on the other person to say ‘I can’t help noticing x. Should I worry?’ Sometimes people genuinely haven’t noticed things – it’s not like it’s easy to examine one’s own bits in a mirror – so be prepared for them to be upset, contrite, embarrassed. If they’re defensive, it’s understandable, but doesn’t mean you’re wrong to ask.
9)I really don’t want to be here
Assuming that you consented to sex (and if not, that is rape and please contact
RAINN), realising this once you’re already doing the deed is pretty shitty for all concerned, but useful information. Probably best to stop, but even if you'd rather not, there are positive things to learn here. Do you not want to be fucking this person? Good! Don’t do it again! Rearrange your life so you are not having sex you don’t want and they are not having sex with someone unwilling! Don’t want to be having sex with anyone right now? Good! Now you know that and can avoid doing so until your emotional situation changes! Want to be having sex but definitely not with this person who you suddenly don’t fancy? Useful info! Stop if you want to, if you don’t then carry on, make sure they don’t have any contrasting expectations and then go find somebody you actually DO want to have sex with! Self-awareness is a tool. Use it to make yourself happy.
10)Did I lock the door?
One of the difficult things about sharing housing with everyone from friends and roommates to babies when you hit that stage of your life is that the fuckers are always, like, there in your house when you want to have sex. Distracting you! Making noise! Potentially coming into your room! Most of us learn to just lock the door on automatic if it’s adults or make damn sure they’re asleep if it’s kids, but still. The threat of interruption is really frustrating, and pretty tough to avoid. Lock your door and ignore all shouting short of ‘Fire!’? Or put a chair against it to at least slow people down. The kids I can’t help with.
