10 Ways To Have Stealthy And Successful Lesbian Sex Over The Holidays

If you, like me, have ever had the pleasure (ha) of bringing a girlfriend home over the holidays, chances are you have both been constantly looking for ways to sneak away and have some sexytimes away from the endless rotation of relatives.  In my eight years of being a practicing lesbian, I've accumulated some wisdom on how to achieve this noble aim without getting caught. Without further ado, here are the best ways to get it on with your girl this season:

1.    Best nights for sex: Thanksgiving night.  The first or last night of Hannukah. Christmas Eve.

These are the nights during which you and your family are going to be a) the most intoxicated and b) the most tired.  If you can power through your turkey/ham/latke comas, wait an appropriate time until mostly everyone has gone to bed except your uncle and aunt who may or may not be waiting up for the same reasons (ew), your chances of being discovered or overheard are virtually nil.  The kids are passed out in sugar-dreams, the parents are exhausted and turning in early.  If you're lucky enough to have been given your own room, it's game on.  Speaking of…

2.  Secure the most removed room.

What you really want to do is avoid any room that is too close to your parents, and the best way to do this is to graciously offer the dangerously-located room you may have been given (even if its your own childhood bedroom) to another older couple (aunt/uncle, grandparents, etc.) and offer to take the random downstairs guest room or the living room couch.  You now just need to be patient and wait until approximately 2 in the morning.  Couch sex can be kind of terrifying, but if you stay under blankets it's relatively easy to conceal in case your six-year-old cousin stumbles down the stairs looking for milk at 4am. Just don't knock over any lamps in the mad rush back to your respective couches. 

3. The midnight sex exodus.

If your or her parents don't want you two sharing a room (gasp! sex!) you're going to have to rely on more covert ways to get behind the same closed door.  Try to make sure at least one of you has a room of some kind, leave the door unlocked and slightly ajar, and wear socks while you sneak across the house to her waiting arms.  If you both are given couches, see #2

4. Hands over mouth.

I don't think there are too many more traumatic things than to be caught by your mother with your face between a girl's thighs.  Though you may really, really want to go down on her, in particularly perilous situations, I would highly recommend sticking to less conspicuous acts.  This is way easier to quickly stop and appear as though you were just laying in bed gossiping about boys.  This is especially recommended if you are closeted and your girlfriend is masquerading as your BFF. (A strong benefit of which is that you'll likely be given a bed to share).  "Hands over mouth" is also a double entendre in which I remind you to try to stay as quiet as you possibly can during all of these encounters.  "Pillow over mouth" works just as well. 

5. Daytime dalliances.

For all the relatives from out of town, daytime is the time to explore the city, see the sights! Take a ferry ride! Take their psychotically-hyper children to the park to burn them out.  If you can manage to get out of the early bird activities, for you and your girl, morning is a time to "sleep in," wait until everyone's off on their adventures, and sneak in a quick session before you are inevitably asked to join the brunch/hike/art festival etc.  If find yourselves in a cabin, maybe dip out on skiing or boarding one day in order to have some quality time alone by the fire while everyone else is wiping out on the mountain.  The possibilities are endless.  

6. Bathroom/shower time.

When the house is packed with people, there's inevitably going to be a lot of bathroom sharing and scheduling.  Which means that you and your lady can double-up during shower time in the interest of time and water conservation.  This typically only works if a) your family thinks you are just friends or b) they are super comfortable with your relationship and are just too over-exposed to your rampant gayness to really care anymore.  The little kids will think nothing of it, and the other adults will probably not even notice.  Just don't be assholes and spend hours in there—this isn't so much for sex as it is for a quick makeout while one of you is exiting and one entering said shower.  Aunt Mary needs to bathe too.

7.  Auto-eroticism, i.e. your car

Yes, you'll feel like you're in high school again, but there's a reason teenagers get it on in cars so often.  Your vehicle is basically a mobile, easy-to-hide sex chamber with fairly soundproof windows to boot.  If things are just way too risky at home, you can always pull over in the midst of a long road trip or go on a series of "errands" with your significant other.  Just be sure not to return home empty-handed.  A 12-pack or a pie will make everyone happy and distract them from thinking about how long you two just disappeared when the grocery store is literally across the street.

8. Department store changing rooms.

Holiday season inevitably means a nauseating amount of shopping.  If you happen to bring your girlfriend home before the gift-giving begins, chances are you'll get sucked into some last-minute mall time.  Simply say that you two have to go off on your own because you are buying surprises for everyone else and they can't come along.  You have just bought yourselves at least 3 hours to spend on your own.  Don't forget to actually get people presents, but throw in a few fun changing room breaks to make this shopping trip infinitely more bearable. 

9. Don't go home at all. 

If you're actual complete grownups and you've spent nearly every holiday season surrounded by parents and relatives, maybe this is the year that you and your lady book a flight to that place you always wanted to visit instead.  After all, you probably just did Thanksgiving and maybe one or both of your families are in periods of life transitions and no one is really in the mood for keeping with the tradition this year.  If that's the case, maybe you can buy your parents a nice trip too and everyone's happy. Along with a fun break from routine, you'll have no restrictions whatsoever on your sex life and can live it up.  And finally…

10.Hostesses with the mostesses.

Are you and your girlfriend kinda sorta super serious living together at this point? Are you possibly even married? Are at least one of your families okay with your series of life choices/alternative lifestyle haircut/non-hetero sexualities?  If you have the means and the space (or cheap hotel/airbnb options nearby), consider hosting the holidays at your place for a change.  Bring both sets of in-laws together for some guaranteed awkwardness and hopefully some epic wine-induced bonding.  Make delicious dishes and show off the chic apartment/funky-artsy loft/totally traditional farmstead/what-have-you home you two have made together.  The best part is, you don't have to do any traveling yourself, and obviously you two will be sharing a room. Your house, your rules.  Just try to be quiet at night. 

Happy Holigays everyone!

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