When I wasn’t being typecast as the villain of every high school musical, I spent my time in the pool, in my Speedo, touching other muscular half-naked men. In hindsight, I wish I relished it more. There are so many things you can do during a water polo match that you can’t do anywhere else.
Water polo has been, and will forever be, the most homoerotic sport of all time. (Yes, more so than rugby, wrestling, and all the others.) When I played in high school, I couldn’t tell you the number of times I had my junk grabbed, how many butts I touched, and how frequently I scored butt-ass naked. (They thought pulling off my Speedo would stop me. Amateurs.)
Olympics are the one time every four years that water polo gets its rightfully due glory.
And as a gay/bi man, you should be getting exciting — ready to obsess over all the acts of homoeroticism water polo has to offer.
So here are eight ways water polo is the most homoerotic sport of all time.[iframe https://giphy.com/embed/5QIIJ52SJuBOM allowfullscreen="" class=^{{"giphy-embed"}}^ frameborder="0" height="480" width="480"]
1. The Speedos
Let’s start with the obvious: Speedos. Every single last one of them wears a Speedo, showing off those big ole quads and hammies, and glutes.
2. The underwater cameras
So they like to use these cameras to show you high how the players tread when they’re shooting, but what they end up showing you, is close-up pics of all the bulges and moose knuckles under the water.
3. The touching
Water polo is physical. You are always touching someone. You’re swimming with them. You’re grabbing their arm. You’re elbowing them. You’ll pull on their leg (or something else).
4. The violence
Violence, in itself, of course, isn’t homoerotic. But the violence that goes on is a sort of masculine-fighting-touching, that is indeed homoerotic (if you’re into that rough-and-tough type of action).
5. They’re soaked
These guys are dripping water and sweat from their bodies. They’re getting every crevice of themselves wet. If that’s not hot and homoerotic, then I don’t know what is.
6. The possibility of seeing full peen
Water polo players purposefully wear Speedos that are too tight. More often than not, they were two. The second one being even smaller. The reason being, they don’t want the man guarding them to pull off their Speedo. This does, however, happen all the time, and it’s the only sport in the Olympics where you have the possibility of seeing some accidental full frontal.
7. The muscles
Water polo bodies are straight up beefy. These men have cultivated mass. Many with six-packs, but many without. They’re just big men with muscles all over their damn body, and all they have to cover it up is a skimpy Speedo.
8. The 80’s gay porn-staches rocked by the Croatian team
So I’m not sure if they’re going to do it this year, but eight years ago, every player on the men’s Croatian Olympic team had these ridiculous porn-staches that were very reminiscent of the iconic bear, leather-daddy look. It was sexy AF.
