How to Curb Fragile Masculinity

Photo: Alex Holyoake

Masculinity can be extremely fragile. It causes men to struggle with having to keep up with the toxic and unrealistic roles society places on them, and many butch/dominant women and genderqueer people can fall prey to the same boxes that are put onto men; boxes that were created from insecurity issues and that sometimes lead to oppressive behavior. 

But there are methods to stopping fragile masculinity in its tracks.

Here are a few ways masculine folks — gay and straight, cis and trans, nerdy and buff — can push back against the ridiculous definitions of what it means to be a masculine, and welcome more diversity (that beautiful and strong variety that masculinity encompasses):

1. Stop enforcing "masculine" and "feminine" roles

 

@lora.mathis #nosmalltalk #masculinity #masculinitysofragile #feminine #feminism #feminist #feministaf #emotionality #radical #society #politics

A photo posted by no small talk. (@nosmalltalk_) on Apr 3, 2016 at 8:36pm PDT

Hierarchical binaries are oppressive. Not everyone has to be a specific kind of man or woman, and someone's gender identity does not automatically make them masculine or feminine.

A significant element of fragility masculinity is defining "masculine" in opposition to "feminine." Portraying feminine as the exact opposite of masculine creates an unhealthy environment wherein everything that even remotely deviates from "manly/butch" is something to be ashamed of. This notion takes the idea of a man who has behaviors that aren’t coded as masculine (like not being sexually aggressive, having a frail body, being passive rather than explosive, expressing any emotions, and even simply not following traditional idea of what a man does with his career) and turns them into signs that this person has been degraded, weakened, and emasculated by femininity.

What's the big deal about acting feminine? Masculinity is not inherently better than femininity; the two are different, and both hold special, powerful aspects. Stop calling masculine people "bitches," "pussies," and "fags" whenever they don’t completely align with ideas of masculinity that aren’t natural for them. Whenever these terms are thrown around, it's like basically saying, "stop acting like a woman" or "stop acting feminine." 

2. Stop thinking the worst about masculinity

 

Yes we need to tighten up our gun control laws because I'm holding a fucking AR and have very little knowledge of firearms and also poor judgement sometimes. But I look super cool, right? #killforfun #america #masculinitysofragile

A photo posted by Ty Turner (@partar400) on Oct 7, 2015 at 4:40pm PDT

Traditional masculinity clutches onto a unshakable disrespect for masculine people, assuming that they are animal-like at best. The thinking is that masculine people are forever indebted to their most detrimental traits, which include out-dated ideas like:

Truly masculine people can’t resist sex.

Those who don’t get sex are failures.

Masculine people only do things for feminine people in the hopes of receiving sex.

Boys will be boys.

Women must help men handle their emotions.

Masculine folks are dirty and do not know how to do things around the household.

Someone who loses a fight is not masculine.

Aggression is an asset.

Men don’t think clearly because they are so impulsive.

Dick size is all that matters in bed.

Regardless if some of these traits are biological or not, it does not mean we should abuse them or not hold ourselves accountable for our actions. Some people believe these concepts are not only immune from criticism, but impossible to change. Men, according to other men, are all dormant rapists, and feminine folks who have been sexually assaulted are continually asked “Well what did you expect being alone with him?” (side note: masculine people are also sexually assaulted, but rarely come forward about it because that too would challenge ideas about masculinity). Yet at the same time, masculine people are offended when femme folks assume that we present a threat. It’s a way of excusing masculine people of blame; men can’t control their sex drive, but femme folks should give us all the benefit of the doubt. None of those traits should be upheld or glamorized if you want to break free from fragile masculinity. 

Society has coded intellect, passivity, softness, emotional intelligence, compassion, care-taking, and sensitivity as feminine, and therefore weak. In the ideas of old masculinity, masculine folks are emotionally underdeveloped bullies who are not accountable for their behavior because they can’t control themselves — and (unfortunately) this is viewed as a good thing.

3. Stop genderizing everything

 

bc normal donuts r too feminine. get some bronuts. get some bronuts in ur mouth. a hot mouthful of bronut. go get it. go. get out of here. leave. #suffering #endme #help #dankmeme #meme #donuts #donut #feminism #suffering #thisisstupid #stupid #lame #gross #masculintyissofragile #masculinitysofragile

A photo posted by Felix (@frostedfeebs) on Apr 12, 2016 at 11:19pm PDT

Would it be so terrifying to not have to genderize everything? To not create things specific to masculinity so they are not somehow confused as feminine? How would it feel to not have to hide an important, male friendship behind the term "bromance?"  No you’re not wearing a "manbag," you’re wearing a handbag; not because you’re feminine, but because that’s a bag in your hand. You want to give someone of your gender a hug? Wouldn't it be nice to gave them that hug and not have to say the requisite “no homo” as you did it?

Let’s just call a spade a spade.

Of course there are many masculine folks in society who have no reservations with eliminating these norms, but everyone should try to push back on society's strict gender performance. 

So what's your take on #MasculinitySoFragile? Let us know in the comments and on Twitter.