8 Misconceptions About the Way Queer Women Have Sex

Hint: it's NOT for the dudes.

Because we live in a fabulously patriarchal society that's not exactly all about in women’s empowerment, we find ourselves in a place where women’s pleasure is rarely (if ever) centered around conversations about sex. We especially don’t talk about women’s sexuality as being focused on pleasure. More often than not, it’s focused on the gratification of men.

So what happens when we talk about girls who sleep with other girls? Here’s a hint: we just don’t talk about it at all. And, if we do, we again center it on male gratification.

Because this rad patriarchal society doesn’t want to talk about women’s pleasure, and women pleasuring other women, we’re going to talk about just that—and tear down the infamous misconceptions concerning girl-on-girl hookups.

1. All we do is go down on each other.

Going down. Eating out. Or, the sexiest way to say it—cunnilingus. If we aren’t scissoring in porn (we’ll get to that next), we’re eating each other out. It all comes down to preference! There’s no rulebook that says queer girls have to go down on each other all the time. Some people really don’t like it at all, and that’s fine. No one has sex the same way! That’s why it’s so fun to talk about.

2. Oh, and scissoring. So much scissoring.

Scissoring is sort of hilarious because it doesn’t work for everyone. I know some couples who swear by it and others who try it and just end up laughing and doing something else. It’s very much based on anatomy—remember, not all genitals are the same!—and preference. We all know by now that most lesbians in porn are really straight women performing for men, right? So maybe don’t rely on porn for queer girl sex tips. But, if you like scissoring on the menu, then by all means, choose from it once in a while.

3. We do it for dudes.

Just, no. We do it for ourselves. Next question.

4. Strap-ons are an urban legend.

Whenever straight people ask me about strap-ons, they whisper the word like they’re telling me a spooky myth they heard about once over a camp fire. Some people love strap-ons. Some people hate them. Some of us use them every once in a while. Plus, some straight couples are totally into it. If you’re so curious, give ‘em a shot!

5. One of us is constantly wearing a snapback.

This is a funnier one, but for whatever reason there’s this idea that, in a queer couple, one person must wear a snapback. There’s nothing wrong with snapbacks. I think they’re hot. But they aren’t required for orgasms, cool as they may be.

6. We always orgasm.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: the idea that all queer girls do is have sex and orgasm for hours on end and never have bad, awkward, stumbly sex? It’s a total, gigantic lie. We may both be women, but that doesn’t mean we’re mirror images of each other. Not all women are the same or react the same way to certain stimuli. Bodies don’t all get down with the same sex stuff, and some people like things that other people would never, ever try. Just like other couples, women who date women have to take time to figure out what the other person likes.

And then it’s all orgasms all the time. (Just kidding.)

7. We’re anti-penis.

Alright, it’s time to talk about this. A lot of lesbians in the media (and, well, in real life) like to joke about how much they just hate penises and how they’re just so gay they’d never be able to get down with dick. But the issue here is that it’s transphobic as hell to act like all women have vaginas, and only men have penises. No one’s saying that you have to sleep with anyone you don’t want to have sex with, but we’ve got to stop running around badmouthing penises all the time. They’re just genitals! They didn’t do anything wrong.

Plus, this perpetuates the idea that all queer women are lesbians. Some of us are ace, some of us are bi, some are pan, some are just plain ol’ queer, etc... We’re complex, and we’ve got to stop perpetuating weird BS like this.

8. We’ve never been with a guy.

Going off of that last point, not all queer women are only interested in having sex with women. Some of us have had sex with men. Some of us have had sex with non-binary and genderqueer people. Some of us have never had sex with anyone but women, but still ID as bi or pan. It’s valid, regardless.

No matter how we get down and dirty, we’re who we say we are. Trust us. No one is any less queer because of how they get laid.