How to Deal When You Want to Date, But They Just Want to Hook Up

Dating is a mess for so many reasons, one of the biggest being that because we’re not mind readers, or able to predict the future, so it’s basically high time for nervousness and anxiety. There’s so much to think about! Your needs! Their needs! So many needs!

Finding someone you like enough to think about in any real way is hard enough, but what about when you decide you want to take the next step?

Anyone who’s ever dated anyone knows that realizing you want to seriously date someone is scary. There’s so much that comes with it. What will be the next step? How do you make it official? In a queer relationship, what does official even look like? It’s not quite marriage, but it can feel just as big.

So rejection hits hard when they say they just want to hook up.

First comes intense, horrible sadness. You were so convinced that you found the right person, and you put yourself out there. But they said they just want to hook up.

The first question you have to ask yourself: are you okay with being just a hookup?

This can be hugely influenced by whether or not you’re exclusive (only hooking up with each other) or if they want to hook up with whoever they want. If you’re into monogamy, this could be a rough ride, and you have to figure out how much this relationship means to you. Will compromising to make them happy mean losing a part of yourself? Or will it mean getting to have them in your life in some form, which is better than nothing? Only you can make that distinction.

It’s a lot to deal with.

If you can, definitely turn to your friends. If anyone knows how to comfort you in your time of need, it’s the people who know you best. While you may be convincing yourself one way or another, they can force you to see the reality of the situation, and help you figure out how to make the decision that’ll allow you to keep you dignity and self respect without just getting sucked into your own pride. It’s a hard balance to strike, and knowing you have people who won’t judge you either way is really important.

At the end of the day, though, you have to look at the big picture. There are loads of other people out there that you may end up liking way more than you like this person, so hooking up with them in an open and non-exclusive way could be the best way to go about it. Who knows who else you’ll fall for along the way?

Too, if you really value this person just as a human, or even as a friend, you can also take this route. Maybe making out with them and lazing around in bed is too much for you and your feelings. That’s totally cool.

Spend some time with yourself, and be as honest with yourself as you can. That, combined with feedback from your friends, and maybe even talking things over with your hookup, you’ll figure out the best way to move forward with (or away from) your relationship, and maybe learn something new about yourself.

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(Lead image by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash.)