How to Break Up with Someone (and Not Be a Jerk About It)

How to Break Up with Someone (and Not Be a Jerk About It)

If you're unhappy in a relationship, you're allowed to leave it. However, unless you're leaving because your partner is an abusive shithead, there's no reason for you to make the gut-wrenching experience of being dumped even worse by being an ass about it. No matter how you do it, breakups hurt. And they take time to recover from for both parties, regardless of whose idea it was or why it happened.

If you're about to exit a relationship with someone you genuinely care about, here are a few tips to make the experience easier on everyone. 

1. Be honest

It's very difficult to tell someone you care for that you no longer see a future working with them, or that you caught feelings for someone else, or that you just miss being single. When you're breaking up with someone, you may be tempted to take the easy road and keep your reasons vague. However, when we're not honest, we leave our former partners wondering "What the fuck happened?" for quite possibly years, or until they've gone through enough therapy to gain closure on their own. So grow a pair and be honest about why the relationship isn't working for you. It may hurt for both of you more in the beginning, but confusion and uncertainty are more painful than the truth. When you're broken up with, knowing the reason will suck, but it helps you understand, process, and move on. 

2. Listen to them

Remember in Sex and the City when Carrie got dumped by Berger through a Post-It note? Do you know why that sucked so badly? Aside from the fact that he hit and split, and gave no explanation, most importantly, he gave her no say in the matter. Look, you have a right to break up with someone. They have to respect that; you can't force someone into a relationship. However, there are two of you in this, and the one getting dumped has a right to express how they feel and ask questions. So don't ghost, use a Post-It, send a shitty text, or just say "I can't do this" and storm out. Take a deep breath, be a grown-up who can handle emotions, and listen to the person you at least once loved, and grant them the chance to say what they need to say. Sometimes, it's okay if such expression happens after the break-up when emotions have cooled. 

3. Express what they meant to you

Dan Savage (controversial figure, I know) always says to leave someone better than you found them. People break up for so many reasons, from sex to cheating to lifestyle. However, there is a reason that you once decided to make an emotional commitment to this person. And even if you hate them deep down right now, and even if you don't want to be their partner anymore, I'm guessing that you still care about them. Tell them. Don't make promises about getting back together that you can't keep to lighten the blow, but tell them you loved them and how much they meant to you and how the relationship helped you grow. 

4. Be helpful in navigating splitting shared resources

A gnarly aspect of breakups is the dividing of shared resources, which accumulate the longer you're together. Depending on how serious you got, there may be phone bills, apartment contracts, and furniture to discuss. Work hard to put aside anger to work together to split up the assets as quickly, fairly, and easily as possible so you can both move on with your lives. 

5. Think it through

In heated moments, it's easy to pull the breakup card without fully realizing the permanence of your words. A breakup should never be a rash decision. Dumping someone in the middle of an argument about a temporary condition is immature. While some couples do get back together, a breakup causes deep wounds that are not easily repaired, and if they ever are, need time to heal. So before you drop the breakup bomb, take time alone for reflection to decide if it's what you really want. 

6. Give them space

While yes, your now ex deserves a chance to express their feelings (rightfully so), they may not want to see or speak to you for a while after you break their heart. Being dumped, only to have that person bug you, or change their mind and come over for makeup sex, only to remember that yeah, they want to stay broken up, only digs the knife deeper. Each situation is different, but if your ex asks for space, politely give it to them. 

7. Leave open the possibility for friendship

Sometimes, people come into our lives and we truly love them, but with time, we realize that it's an ill-suited match for a long-term romantic partnership. After some breakups, neither of you may ever want to see the other again, and that's your right. Or, with time, you may realize that you still care about one another, and just because you weren't the right fit as romantic partners, doesn't mean you can't continue to care about one another as friends. If this feels like it describes your situation, keep the possibility open by being kind to one another, and understanding that reconnecting as friends may take time.