9 Things You Should NEVER Say to Queer Interracial Couples

Who even thought these things were a good idea??!

With the legalization of gay marriage nationwide in 2015, and the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia that legalized interracial marriage across the country, one would imagine that we’d live in a country where queer interracial couples aren’t just tolerated, but are accepted. Unfortunately, as many of us know, this isn’t always how things work. Just because something isn’t illegal doesn’t mean everyone is pumped about it, and I can tell you from experience that some people are funky about queer, interracial couples.

In the super-whitewashed world that is mainstream gay culture, you rarely see interracial couples presented as totally normal. Plus, plenty of queer people are anti-homophobia but lowkey (or sometimes extremely and obviously) racist. They can understand marginalization in terms of sexuality, but can’t necessarily connect when it comes to race.

This disconnect can make it really frustrating to be a queer person in an interracial relationship because people are so nosy and love to ask bizarre questions. Here’s everything you shouldn’t ask when you’re hanging with an interracial, queer couple.

1. "How politically correct."

People seem to be under the idea that people not only choose their identities, but choose their relationships in an attempt to prove their political beliefs. While I’m sure there are people out there who just want to prove a point, I imagine these numbers are pretty darn low considering how much work it is to date someone. Why do it for any reason other than actual, legitimate romantic interest?

2. "I *love* mixed babies!"

Ugh, ugh, ugh. Can we just, like, stop acting like this is an okay thing to say? The total exotification of mixed kids is really gross and dehumanizing, and also you should know by now that mixed babies don’t all look the same. No one is dating so you’ll like their babies.

3. "What did your parents think?"

This one is baffling unless we’re really, really close. Unless it comes from legitimate concern, it seems like you’re just fishing for drama. Ideally, most parents don’t care that their kids are in an interracial relationship any more than they care that their kid is queer. If my parents were horrified, why would I want to rehash it?

4. "Oooooh, forbidden! Sexy."

Painting interracial, queer relationships as scandalous and sexy is totally unfair. It’s just a relationship, and I’d be much happier (and, like, safer) if people just viewed it as that, instead of a spectacle.

5. "Clearly you think you’re too good for your own race."

This is probably my least favorite comment. Remember when I said (normal) people don’t date each other for political gain? This is a part of that. When you fall for someone, you fall for someone. While I’m not going to act like internalized racism isn’t a thing, it’s not fair to delegitimize a relationship just because it doesn’t work with your political agenda.

6. "Isn’t it a bit much? Being in a queer AND interracial relationship?"

Yeah, sometimes it is. It sucks to wonder if people are giving you weird looks because you’re a queer couple, or because you’re an interracial one. But I’m not going to give up my own happiness to make random people more comfortable.

7. "Won’t it be so hard for your kids?"

When I was younger, this was the sort of argument people used to guilt my parents for having a mixed kid. Now that I’m queer, this is the type of scare-tactic people use to prevent you from “poisoning” the world with more babies raised by “sinners.” I’m sure my kids will have to deal with bullshit from people who are nosy, rude, and just plain terrible people. But I’m also sure that I’m doing everything I can to stay educated, and to fight for the kids who exist now to make sure they can have great lives no matter who their parents are.

Plus, people who ask this question rarely give a damn about your kids. They just want to police your actions, which is gross and manipulative.

8. "Do you know *insert other interracial couple here*?"

You know how not every gay person knows each other? Not all queer, interracial couples know each other, either (though I’d love to know more couples like mine!).

9. "I’ve always wanted to date a person of color, but I haven’t."

Well, why? What is it about queer people of color that you find so unappealing? And, besides, if your subtle racism and microaggressions are anything to go by, I doubt any queer person of color would be interested.