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Sometimes you're just not ready for a long-term relationship...
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Three months of dating a guy may not seem like a long time, but for some of us, it’s the longest relationship we’ve ever had.
If you're in the category that finds yourself wondering why you can't hang on to a man for longer than a few months, these 15 reasons may help you get to the bottom of the issue(s).
1. You have the worst taste in partners
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Yes, I'm calling you out right away. You already know he's bad news before you even touch him. It's basically over before it even starts, but you just hold on to a little glimmer of hope that you might be wrong about this one, even though you damn well know it won't.
2. You repeat the same patterns over and over
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On that note, you're just as bad at turning away people who would be good for you. It's not that they're not your type, it's just that you know they can actually give you everything you want and need, and so you don't let them. Emotions basically boil down to fear and love, right? Maybe you're just afraid of the love you seek.
3. You get excited by the idea of him
When you haven’t had a boyfriend for a while (or ever), you begin to romanticize the idea of a boyfriend. When you do this, you often view the guys you're dating with rose-colored lenses. You blissfully ignore all the ways the two of you are incompatible. Eventually, the guy you’re dating realizes it and breaks up with you. You're then left feeling dumbfounded because you (naively) believed you two were perfect for one another.
4. You’re unsure of what you want in the relationship
I’m imagining that scene in The Notebook where Ryan Gosling yells at Rachel McAdams repeatedly asking, "What do you want?!" I wish someone shouted this at me this when I was younger.
Sometimes we claim we want a relationship but haven’t thought through anything past that. What do you want out of the relationship? How much can you give? What do you prioritize in a relationship? When is it too much? While you don’t have to answer all these questions before meeting someone, you should be able to answer them within a few weeks of dating.
5. The sex fizzles out and you realize you’re not compatible
My guncle (gay uncle) once told me that you have no idea if you actually like a guy if the sex is great. He says it takes six months to realize that there’s actually nothing more substantial to the relationship than boning.
6. You’re not ready for a long-term relationship
This isn’t a read. It’s simply a fact that some guys aren’t ready for a long-term relationship. They’re too focused on their career. They’re not over their ex. They’re not over some past trauma. They’re too consumed with themselves to care and love for someone else. If that's the case, you shouldn't be dating.
7. You’re not the monogamous-type
It could be as simple as you’re not the monogamous type. By repeatedly attempting monogamy, it’s like you’re trying to shove a square peg into a circular hole. Maybe it’s time to find another relationship style that works best for you (and your partners).
8. You’re unwilling to accept different baseline needs
I was recently at a sexpo called Consider This, by Curious Fox. One of the speakers there, who was a licensed therapist, said she hates the idea of compromise. The way she put it, neither of you get what you want when you compromise, and for some reason, that’s considered a success! What she said is that you need to accept the fact that you have different baseline needs, and you shouldn't try to change that about the person you're dating. If your baseline needs are incredibly far off, it’s probably a sign that you shouldn’t be dating (or your relationship is going to require a lot of additional work).
9. You didn’t delete the apps...
Grindr is addictive (we all know that). But if we’re really trying to commit to a guy we like, we need to get off the apps so we’re not distracted by other guys.
10. You struggle with vulnerability
I mean, who doesn’t? Am I right? I struggle with it. Everyone I’ve dated struggles with it. Being vulnerable is hard–really hard–but at some point in your relationship you’re going to have to take the risk of showing your true self.
11. You struggle with communication
Urgh, not to be that guy, but communication is so damn important. I’d say that at least half of all problems within relationships stem from miscommunication. Something that could have easily been avoided if you and your man were on the same page. So learn how to communicate effectively with your partner.
12. You have unrealistic standards of how a relationship should look
Marriage counselors have repeatedly claimed how detrimental it is to a relationship to believe that one person should satisfy every one of your needs. No one can do that! You need to have other friends, hobbies, and outlets to get your needs met from various people and experiences.
13. You don't set up ground rules/base foundations for the relationship
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Sometimes you have a great time together and the sex is out of this world, but you lack the same core morals and values. While there are times that can work out, it’s still important to set up a foundation and decide on a baseline of rules for your relationship if you want it to work. This process will bring up the core values, and if they don’t align, the relationship will likely fail.
14. You remain indecisive
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Look, there are a lot of other fish in the sea. There will always be a lot of other fish in the sea. There will always be someone you think is cute, or you have a great conversation with, or someone else you just want to take to the bedroom. If you want your relationship to last, you have to trust your decision to be with the man you're with, or it’ll be gone before you know it.
15. You let fear get the best of you
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Relationships are scary. Change is scary. Sometimes there are foundational elements of your relationship that will prevent it from progressing, but other times, you’re just running from something good. If you’re ever wanting to run once the honeymoon stage is over, ask yourself if the relationship really isn’t worth it or if you’re just getting cold feet.
| 03/05/24
