What is lesbian bed death? The Sapphic sex struggle explained & what you can do about it

First things first… Is Lesbian Bed Death a real issue?

LBD is not an issue for every couple, even those who have ceased having sex. There are women who are content with their relationships excluding sexual intimacy. Many feel they have a full connection emotionally and are therefore fine with companionship in whatever form that may take, and also happy with having a rich emotional life with their partners. They do not feel that sex is a necessary part of their relationships.

Intimacy without sex includes cuddling, doing outside activities together, reading together, and talking about how deeply they feel about things in and out of the relationship, plus touching including foot massages and back rubs. The point being, there are many ways to be intimate and not all of them include sex. LBD is only an issue if one or both of the women in the relationship feel that it is.

If you are in this category, there is nothing wrong with that. After all, it is your relationship, and if you are happy and content it is no one’s business other than your own.

Emotionally romantic relationships between women that do not include sex are not a new idea. To provide some background on the matter, there is historic precedence for these types of relationships, called Boston Marriages, or romantic unions between women that were usually monogamous but not necessarily sexual. Boston Marriages flourished in the late nineteenth century. The term was coined in New, England, around the time that numerous women's colleges such as Vassar, Smith, and Wellesley and Mount Holyoke emerged.”

How do you know if you're experiencing LBD?

Now, back to LBD. There has been some criticism over the definition of what a healthy sex life is. The main criticisms leveled at studies are the definition of sexual contact orgasm oriented genital contact. Criticisms have been leveled against twists concerning the definition of sex. For instance, why can't a definition include both partners having some form of physical contact that would include things like: masturbating with a partner in different situations, or holding your partner and caressing and kissing her while she masturbates?

The truth about diminished libido is that it’s not just a phenomenon of the Sapphic community. The issue affects heterosexual and gay male relationships as well. Research has also shown that there is just as much -- or little -- sexual contact happening for lesbians as for heterosexual women. (In fact, some studies show lesbians are having a better time sexually than their straight counterparts.)

The reality is, if you are in a long-term relationship, eventually even the sex can get routine and feel like a chore. It can get boring, just like doing anything by rote. It’s fun and great at first, but then you eventually aren’t as stimulated as you once were. Again, part of this is going through the stages of a relationship—including the neurochemistry and hormones -- and part of it is human nature. We continually seek new experiences in exciting and stimulating ways.

What causes LBD?

There is much debate over the root causes of LBD , including scientific explanations around the hormone oxytoxin, explained thoroughly in "Lesbian Bed Death Explained” by Susan Kuchinskas. "When two women engage in intimate behavior, from hanging out with a friend to wild love-making, it's likely that, with every breath, they take in molecules of estrogen and oxytocin emitted by the other's body -- as well as the testosterone women produce," she writes. "But be aware that the neurochemistry of a lesbian love may nudge the relationship further toward the sedate. You can counteract this tendency by building some -- safe -- danger into your life. An adrenaline rush counters that oxytocin calm nicely."

If you have been in a relationship and your sex life was great, but suddenly changed, it could be a physical issue. As we’ve discussed in previous articles, there can be many reasons for this including: medications, peri-menopause, menopause, decreased levels of testosterone, and adrenal stress. Mental health issues like Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, or stress or depression from life circumstances can all contribute to a decrease or can cause your sex drive to perform a disappearing act.

If there are any changes to your libido, go to a medical practitioner to make sure everything is working correctly. Always advocate for yourself and educate yourself on treatment options before agreeing to any type of treatment.

If there are no physical issues and you are in the relationship phase after the first bloom fades, LBD can start. The truth of the matter is that the infatuation stage of a relationship -- also known as limerance — is not truly a "love at first sight" type of thing after all. It is a neurochemical response.

How do you combat LBD in your relationship?

The real and central solution for this problem is communication. Throw the term 'Lesbian Bed Death' away. This issue is a part of life, and as we said before, it can happen to a couple of any sexual orientation as they move into a long-term, live together, monogamous relationship. In order to solve this issue, it will take you and your partner talking openly and honestly about what is bothering you, what you want, like or don't like and what you’re willing to try or not try.

It may be that you need to throw out the ideas many of us have about sex. "Sex must be spontaneous," "I shouldn’t have to masturbate in a relationship," or "We both need to be in the mood at the same time," are some of the misperceptions we may have that keep our sex lives from being what we want.

1. Put S-E-X on the calendar

It may not be romantic, but try scheduling a sex date and if you want go out on a romantic date first. It can take the pressure off knowing what the end result will be. It can also be a turn off to schedule sex; just don't totally dismiss it as an option. One way to look at it is, when you first got together you knew you were going to have sex when you got home and that was exciting. Give it a try and if it feels artificial, just keep on and see if something develops.

2. Add more masturbation to your routine!

Masturbation can help increase your sex drive. Do it together, play with toys and experiment. While one partner masturbates, the other can be kissing and caressing her to add to the experience. The partner who doesn't feel in the mood can be the caresser. An inspiration to reach down and take over for the partner who is masturbating may turn into an extended love-in. Feeling how wet her girlfriend is may be the turn on that's needed.

If you do masturbate regularly, stop for a while and see if you become more willing to let your partner do it for you. Give your partner a back rub or a foot massage but don't always expect a sexual pay off for these activities, just do it to do it. Any touching or massage will increase your intimacy and it may also turn on your partner.

You don't have to be in the mood at the same time. Let the one who is in the mood be the one who is the focus of the love making, which may get the one who’s not quite feeling it fired up and ready to go.

3. Explore your fantasies

Explore each other's fantasies. Only do the fantasies you both agree to use. If one of you is uncomfortable with a fantasy, or with a new form of sex play, ensure that you let your partner know in a gentle and loving way that the fantasy or activity she wants to try is not for you, won't turn you on, etc. Don't pressure each other into something one of you is not comfortable with. This can cause resentment and create trust issues. These issues will in turn be tied to issues about sex.

4. Orgasms are great — but adding pressure about when you have them is a libido killer.

When you are making love together, don't put pressure on yourselves to orgasm at the same time, if that is your goal or belief. Just enjoy the sensations; orgasms don't have to be the end result of any sexual activity. Draw foreplay out, over days if necessary. Take turns making one or the other of you the focus of your time together.

5. Consider opening up your relationship.

Some find polyamory, threesomes, or an open relationship, a solution for their waning love life. Make sure you are using safer sex practices and have set rules and boundaries you both agree to if you go this route, including canceling the experiment at any time up to or during the act itself. Issues of jealousy and fear can raise their ugly heads, so don't agree to opening your relationship up to others unless you feel that you are capable of handling all the emotions that go along with this.

The types of solutions depend on the women involved. I've known some who could handle it and some who thought they could but became jealous. And I've known some whose relationships were torn apart by this kind of experimentation. Always leave it an option to revisit the agreement about this type of solution if either of you starts to have second thoughts. If one of you isn't comfortable, you can go back to a monogamous relationship but it may be hard to do after experiencing the thrill of other sex partners. If you feel you want to explore this option with a therapist first, look for one who is open to counseling alternative lifestyles.

Always remember that what may work for one partner may not work for the other. What may work one time may not another. Be patient with each other and give yourselves time to work sex into your life. If one thing doesn't work, try something else. If that doesn't work go to the next thing on the list.

Tracey Stevens and Kathy Wunder are the co-authors ofLesbian Sex Tips: A Guide for Anyone Who Wants to Bring Pleasure to the Woman She (Or He) Loves and How to be a Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide. Their website, www.amazingdreamspublishing.com, provides more than 1,500 free community services for lesbian and bisexual women worldwide. Contact Tracey & Kathy at www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/contactform.html.