15 things you and your BF need to do before having a threesome

If you're interested in threesomes, this one's for you.

So you asked your partner for a threesome, and he was totally down for it. Fabulous! You’re about halfway there. Now that you’ve already had a mature conversation with your partner, the next step is actually going out there and finding a third. But it’s not as simple as making a joint Grindr account and inviting someone over. (Well, actually it is that simple, but before you do that you want to make sure both you and your partner are emotionally prepared for what’s about to happen.)

Here are 15 things to do before having a threesome.

1. Make sure you're actually ready

Whenever you start opening up things in your relationship, whether by yourselves or by inviting someone else into your bed, it's important to make sure you're actually ready for that step. Are you just doing it because of them? Are they just doing it because of you? Or is this something the two of you are genuinely interested in doing together? Just make sure you're choosing to do so for the right reasons to avoid any messiness later on.

2. Be real about why you want to do this

Is it because you're wanting to explore a fantasy, or do you feel pressured into doing it? Is it because "everybody else is doing it?" It's all good if it's what you actually want, which you would have established by now, but just be honest with each other about the intentions behind all of it.

3. Figure out what you're both into

Do you like them a little older? Younger? More attractive than you or less? Is there a certain type that would make the other jealous? Just figure out the best way for you to share, because you're not single anymore. You'll have to be a little pickier about some people you'd otherwise sleep with if it were just up to you.

4. Be honest if there are other feelings involved

If it happens after the event, be real about it. More importantly, if you're afraid about it beforehand, then address it. Don't use a threesome as an opportunity to sleep with someone you might end up cheating with. That's just bad joo joo.

5. Remember that it's not the key to saving a failing relationship

On that note, if you are feeling like the reason you're wanting to do any of this in the first place is because you feel your relationship is failing, then let it go. There's no need to drag it out for anyone if this is the case. The memes out there about open relationships saying "one wants it and one is crying themselves to sleep" aren't completely inaccurate.

2. Get advice from other couples

Monogamy isn't something most people associate with gay relationships, and there are plenty of men out there who will have some great advice on how to navigate opening up your relationship. Talk to your couple friends about their experiences to try and glean some advice for bringing a third into yours.

3. Agree on the location

Are you hosting? Are you going to their place? Meeting at the bathhouse? Picking them up at the bar? This is an important piece of the puzzle, because the "where" is just as important as the "what" and the "who."

4. Set some ground rules with your partner

Maybe the first time, you don’t have penetrative sex with a third guy. Are you wearing condoms with the third guy? You may not have thought about condoms in a while if both you and he have been monogamous. Do you want him to sleep over or not? Just because you agreed to a threesome with your boyfriend doesn’t automatically mean that anything now goes.

5. Be honest to the third guy you’re inviting over

Things might not go as planned the first time you invite a third over for sex. I would be honest to the man you’re inviting over, saying something like, "Hey, we haven’t done this before. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case we’re a little awkward." That way, he won't be surprised or annoyed if midway through hooking up, you decide you want to end the threesome. He'll have known the risk prior to coming over.

6. Have a “stop at anytime” rule

A few things may happen the moment you see your partner hooking up with someone else. You love it and it turns you on, you get jealous, or you feel tepid, thinking to yourself, "Meh, it’s fine, but I have no real desire to do this again." It’s really difficult to predict how you will respond until it happens. You may think you’ll be 100% fine with it, but the moment his lips touch someone else’s, you freak out. I would have a rule with your partner that you can call it off at anytime, just in case you realize you don’t like having a threesome.

7. Don’t settle on the guy

Sometimes, you’re so excited that your partner agreed to a threesome that you pick the first guy that comes along. Take a deep breath. Relax. You want to make sure that you find someone that both you and your partner like/find attractive.

8. Have a guy that satisfies both your and your partner's sexual roles/needs

Here’s what I mean by this: if one of you always tops while the other always bottoms, I wouldn’t go out and find a top or bottom. I would find a guy who’s versatile. (If you’re both versatile, then it doesn’t really matter as much.)

9. Acknowledge that there will be times you’re in a "supporting role"

As someone who has been the third to many couples (~hair flip~), I have a pretty good sense about how to equally distribute my time between partners. Sometimes, yes, I have a stronger sexual connection with one of the men, but that doesn’t mean I ignore the second man completely. That said, some thirds aren’t as egalitarian. There may be times you feel left out because he’s really focusing on your partner and not you. That. Is. Okay. It doesn’t mean you have to leave the room. It just means you play a more supporting role of kissing, rubbing your partner, etc.  

10. Be honest about how you feel after it happens

It may be really tough to admit you don’t like threesomes after you've had one, especially if your boyfriend starts saying things like, "Oh my god! So happy we did that! That was amazing!" But hey, just because you agreed to do it once doesn’t mean you agreed to do it from here on out. He’s your partner for a reason. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of expressing how you truly feel to him.

11. Don’t let one bad/mediocre experience turn you off threesomes forever

If you don’t want to have another threesome after your first time, then don’t! It really is as simple as that. I will say, however, that sometimes, especially the first time we try something new sexually, it doesn’t quite click. So if you’re open to giving it another chance, why not?