11 major myths about lesbian bed death debunked

Don't panic if it's been a while.

Most of us have heard about the much-feared Lesbian Bed Death, that moment in time where lesbians and queer women in relationships suddenly stop having sex and start being cuddly, BFFs. It’s something a lot of us freak out about when we go a few days or a week or even a month without sex. It looms in the distance, the thing that may or may not be real, but that sure does feel real when we’re panicking about it.

Regardless of how you feel about LBD, there are definitely a few things that need to be debunked about it. So what are the most major and most ridiculous myths out there?

1. As soon as you stop having sex, you have to start freaking out about LBD.

So the myth goes that as soon as you’re not having sex, it’s time to panic. Why? Because you’re suffering from Lesbian Bed Death. But just because you’re in a slower time in terms of how often you’re having sex doesn’t mean that you have something to worry about.

2. Less sex means your relationship is suffering.

Despite what the hypersexual media will tell you, not everyone is having sex 24/7. Not even queer women! We’re allowed to take a pause and to have something else become the center of our relationship. It’s okay and it doesn’t mean you’re at a low point in your relationship.

3. Less sex means your partner is cheating on you.

This is a tricky one because for many of us the moment there’s less sex in our relationships, we jump to conclusions. One super common thought is that less sex means your partner must be getting it elsewhere, so if you’re in a monogamous or exclusive relationship that must mean she’s cheating on you. But maybe she’s just plain ol’ not feeling it. It’s up to you to discuss this with your partner(s). Otherwise, you’re freaking out over something that may not even be relevant.

4. Cuddling too much will kill your sex life.

Again, lesbians are hypersexualized to no end. We don’t exactly see many romantic portrayals of lesbians that don’t revolve around having sex constantly, and cuddling is practically a joke mean to demean queer relationships as lesser. But cuddling is fun! It’s sweet. And if you’re into it, sometimes more than you’re into sex, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. You can be big cuddlers and have super great sex. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

5. It means your relationship is doomed.

So you’re convinced that you’re going through LBD. It’s okay. Seriously. Having less sex than you did when sparks were flying and everything was passion all the time doesn’t mean your relationship is over. You’re not doomed. Things are just changing.

6. Strong couples never go through sexless periods.

The idea that a strong, healthy couple is always made up of two super thrilled individuals who want to have sex all the time simply isn’t realistic. There are highs and lows in any relationship, and as long as those lows are never too low, you have no reason to freak out. It’s really okay to have a period of time where sex just isn’t what your relationship is all about.

7. Asking for help is a no-no.

When it comes to sex, looking into resources and asking for help, whether it be from a sex therapist or your best friend, is a yes-yes. If you can’t figure it out together, enlist the help of someone who can!

8. There’s only one way to have sex.

Maybe you’re not having sex the way you used to. But maybe your kisses are sweeter than they used to be, or you’re really getting into X where you used to do Y. If you find yourself just having sex differently than you used to, it may be time to re-define your understanding of sex so that, for example, what once was foreplay is the main event. It may just be that your sex lives are changing and growing, and that’s totally great! There are so many different ways to have sex, and only you can define sex for yourself.

9. You’re officially a stereotype.

Because of the marginalization faced by lesbians and other queer women, sometimes the pressure to not be a stereotype is way too intense. You get a cat and feel guilty. You wear a flannel and feel guilty. You go through LBD and feel guilty. But you’re not a stereotype. You’re people in a relationship, and if your relationship is mimicking something that happens in other relationships, all it means is that you have more people to go to for advice.

10. It’s someone’s fault.

When people in a sexual relationship stop having sex, it’s all too easy to point fingers. At each other. At work. At other people. But sometimes you’re just on a new medication that takes down your sex drive, or you’re just way too tired, or you just really don’t feel like it. You don’t need an excuse to choose not to have sex, and you don’t need an excuse for being in a relationship that is sexless, temporarily or permanently. As long as you feel happy, loved, and cared for in your relationship, there’s no one out there you have to impress with scandalous tales of what goes on in your bedroom.

11. It means you have to break up.

How you choose to handle a period of less or no sex is your call, point blank. Maybe you’ll choose to see a sex therapist. Maybe you’ll try new ways of having sex. Maybe you will break up. But the most important thing here is that you’re doing what’s right for you, and if you love each other, are invested in your relationship, and don’t have any interest in breaking up, maybe ending things just isn’t in the cards for your relationship. Only you can make the decision.