What to do if you're not kink-compatible with your partner

Not kink compatible? Don't panic. 

Have you ever fallen in love only to discover that orgies are normal part of your sex life, but they scare your partner more than the risk of nuclear war? Or perhaps you love being tied up, but even some nice fluffy handcuffs bug your bae out? Kink incompatibility happens all the time, and it can feel heart (and boner) breaking when it’s with someone you’re otherwise into.

If you have a consensual kink, you deserve to experience it, and kudos to you for being brave enough to know what you need in the bedroom. (Society loves to kink-shame!) Unless your current partner is actively also shaming you for your kinks, it’s totally possible to work out a sexual relationship that doesn’t immediately fit like a lock into a chastity belt. Or maybe it’s time to be brutally honest and let it go.

But before you pull the plug on your romance here are seven things to try and see if you can get on the same kinky page.

1. Ask your partner about their fantasies.

The mouth is so often underutilized when it comes to sex (and no, that’s not a reminder that rim jobs are awesome). Before you write someone off as incompatible with your kinks based off your current sex life, stop yourself and ask, “Wait, have I told them that I need to say the word ‘daddy’ to come? It’s so messed up that they didn’t just assume that, I mean look at me.” For all you know, your partner may be eagerly hoping that you’ll call them “daddy.” So be a grown-up and say, “Hey, I’d love to know your filthiest fantasy.” For all you know, the two of you could be totally kink-compatible, just absolute shit at communicating.

2. Share your fantasies.

If you’re worried that your partner might act shy when asked about their fantasies, share yours first. There’s often benefits to being selfish and going first: by stating your needs you’re more likely to get them. So simply say, “Hey, it would be so hot if you pulled my hair in bed,” or “I feel like you could really bring out my submissive side. Would you be down to try spanking?” Spoiler alert: they’re probably going to say yes. And if they shut you down or kink-shame you, then please fire them because you deserve better.

3. Utilize spreadsheets.

Oh yeah, spreadsheets can be sexy as hell! After you’ve popped the kink discussion, suggest filling out kinky spreadsheets as a couple. Create three columns: one for green, one for yellow, and one for red. The green column is for acts you absolutely must have in your sex life, the yellow is for things that you’re curious about or would be willing to try, and the red is for no-no’s (hard limits). Perhaps dirty talk is in the green column, choking is in the yellow column, and watersports are in the red column. When it comes to kinks, one person’s “Yes please!” is another person’s “Hell no!” After you’ve each filled out your work sheets, exchange and talk about them.

4. Start slow.

Let’s keep it positive and assume this relationship is going to work out. That means you have years ahead of you to get kinky as hell. So, if you’re into something that's new territory to your partner, it’s okay to start slow. Let’s say that you’re into gangbangs, but the suggestion of organizing one freaked your partner out. Rather than going ahead and making a Facebook event for your 30th birthday party gangbang and alerting your partner by pressing the “invite” button, watch some gangbang porn together. Or role-play the scenario in bed using dirty talk, yet only sleeping with one another. Double penetration can also be recreated using sex toys. You may find that gangbang dirty talk is as far as you want to go, and that your partner also has a thing for gangbang porn. Revisit the next step of the fantasy when you become comfortable with the small stuff.

5. Consider an open relationship.

Let’s be clear: open relationships are not for everyone, and can get messy when not done diligently. If you’re opening a current relationship, a good rule of thumb is that ethical non-monogamy works better for broadening happy relationships rather than attempting to fix a failing one. If you’re truly in love and in a relationship, that works wonderfully in most aspects, but your partner just isn’t as dominant as you’d like, adding a new partner to your life who is a dom (me) can save relationships. Even people who aren’t polyamorous should understand that expecting one person to meet every single need is a tall order.

6. Compromise.

Compromise is required in all areas of relationship, from where to spend the holidays, what to cook for dinner, to how you have sex. Let’s say that you’re naturally submissive, but your partner identifies as a “switch,” or someone who enjoys both dominant and submissive roles in bed. It’s not naturally in your nature to verbally degrade your partner in bed, but if once in while they want you to consensually spit in their face and call them a slut, why not give it a shot? You can pick what movie you watch after you’ve both come.

7. Be honest with yourself.

The hard truth is that some people are truly not kink-compatible. And it is very possible to be a good fit in some ways, but not in others. Ideally, through communication and compromise, love can mean hot kinky sex. However, if you’ve continuously tried and failed to meet both of your needs in the bedroom, it might be time to accept that this partnership isn’t meant to be. If you don't want to live without one another, perhaps with time a friendship is possible. And the sooner you let them go, the sooner you can meet someone who does satisfy you in bed. We all deserve the sex lives of our dreams!