25 things I've learned after using Grindr for years

I’ve been using Grindr since the ancient times of the first iPhone.

Sometimes, I set the notifications to “on” and turn up the sound on my phone so I can act surprised every time the chime goes off. Other times, I delete my profile and remove the app, promising to never return, lest I be forever bound by its suffocating grips.

Sometimes my desire for Grindr sex outweighs the struggles of the Grindr experience — and vice versa. My back and forth, like many others, has taught me a lot about myself, gay men, and queer culture as a whole. Here are 25 life lessons I’ve gained from my time on the grind.

1. There will always be more men

Sexy men are a dime a dozen. Men with big Ds and bubbly butts are a dime a dozen. Don’t get hung up on one hot guy’s rejection of you.

2. But don’t use that as a reason to break up with someone special

Quality men are hard to come by. So while there will always be more boys out there, don’t give up on one just to explore your options with others. Quality over quantity, boys.

3. Your nudes get circulated

What, you think when you send pics of yourself the person on the end doesn't share them with their friends? They're probably in a public space when you send it in the first place, what did you expect?

4. Your pictures get stolen

Okay, yes, sorry to be a Debbie downer off the bat, but the more you know, the better. Sometimes, people will not only share your pics, but they'll actually steal them for themselves and make an account moonlighting as you. Stay on your guard!

5. Everyone is there for the same thing

It doesn't matter if they say they're "not looking," they are. And "looking" means sex, just in case that wasn't clear. And everybody on Grindr is looking for sex. Everybody.

6. Gay men are still surprisingly racist/sizeist/femmephobic (and all around terrible)

I feel like we should know better by now, yet so many of us do not. I feel like I live in my own "woke" bubble. (I know how elitist and terrible that sounds, but you know what I mean.) There are real gay Trump supporters out there. There are real gay racists out there.

7. It's okay if you don't fit into your type's type

It can hurt if you send a lot of messages to guys you’re into and have no response. Everyone has a type, and even if it seems like no one who is your type likes you back, don’t get discouraged because...

8. Something about you is someone else's fantasy

One way or the other, something about you is exactly what someone else is looking for. So, if no one in your type is hitting you back, maybe broaden your horizons and respond to the men who reach out to you first.

9. You can always find someone with a similar kink to you

Think our vibe is too out there? Don’t worry, you can definitely find someone who's on your kink level. There is not one, not two, but hundreds (if not thousands) of men in your area with the same "taboo" fetish as you. You’re not alone in your kinks.

10. Grindr isn’t a substitute for being picked up (or picking up a guy) IRL

Grindr is fun (Duh! Why else would we do it?), but it’s not the same as picking up a guy in real life, or cruising at the sauna. I’d argue it's an "add-on," not a replacement.

11. Sex can be pretty confusing

Here me out. Sometimes you don’t like someone, you just like the sex. Or you accidentally sleep with a your best gay friend while drunk, and now you’re like, "WTF do I do!?" Deep breaths. At the end of the day, it’s just sex. Don’t overthink it.

12. Practice makes perfect

I’m a lot better at sex than I was when I was 21. Not because I’m in better shape or because my stamina is any better, but because practice makes perfect. The more men you’re intimate with, the better at sex you become. That’s why I love sleeping with "manwhores."

13. Vocal sex is always better

He’s not a mindreader. Tell him what you want. Be loud. Moan. Make sounds. Silent sex is awkward as all hell.

14. Some men love to shame others

It literally doesn't even matter about what. There are men out there who will find something to shame you for.

Sleep with too many people? Slut.
Sleep with too few people? Prude.
Sleep with just the right amount of people? Boring.

You can’t win. These insecure men will always find some reason to shame you. Ignore them.

15. No one looks *exactly* like their pictures

This is true for any one, in any life, in any case. We see what we see through the lens of a camera, whether through video or photo. Sometimes what you see in person is better, sometimes not. Either way, always expect there to be something at least a little different about the in-person features versus the preconceived notions.

16. Open relationships/polyamory/non-monogamy can be liberating

You know if it’s not for you. But if you’ve been struggling with monogamy, it might be worth it to attempt an ethical, nonmonogamous relationship. It can feel liberating, to say the least. The most rewarding relationships I’ve ever been in have been nonmonogamous. While it may sound paradoxical, I actually feel closer with my partner when we’re in a nonmonogamous relationship.

17. There are incredible liars out there

There are some guys out there who can be really, really, good liars. So good, in fact, they don’t even realize when they’re doing it. Avoid them at all costs!

18. There’s a right way and a wrong way to reject someone

If Grindr has taught me anything, it’s this: there’s a clear right way to reject someone, and a wrong way to reject someone. A polite "not interested" goes much further than shaming the man.

19. Some men will try to put you into a box

Bear? Jock? Daddy? Top? Bottom? Vers? Some gay men love to put other gay men in boxes. If you feel like the box fits you, embrace it. If not, just ignore them. You gotta do you.

20. Shit happens...deal with it

I mean, it does. Take it in stride.

21. Sex is not a good emotional regulation strategy

Many gay men (myself very much included) use sex as an emotional regulation strategy. This mean if we’re feeling a certain way—depressed, angry, stressed, etc.—use sex to stop feeling that way. I’d be cautious if this is something you find yourself doing often.

22. There are gays everywhere

It doesn’t matter which town I’m in, there will literally always be gays on Grindr. Sure, in some smaller towns there are a lot less, and there are lot more discreet gays, but it does not matter where you are in the world—there are gay men.

23. Sex is pretty freakin’ awesome

I feel like I wrote all of these negative things about gay men and sex with men. I just want to take a step back and remind you (and apparently myself) that having sex with other men is freakin’ awesome!

24. Some of my best friendships have started from the app

While few and far between, I have met some people on the app who have gone on to become some of my best friends. It can happen. Be open to the possibilities, and let whatever happens happen.

25. Being queer is a blessing

However it happened, I’m not complaining. We are so lucky to be queer.