These common misconceptions about the way queer women have sex are total B.S., say experts

Hint: it's NOT for the dudes.

How do you know what you know about Sapphic sexuality? For many, it really does come down to how it is portrayed in popular media. While those depictions are getting better (we’re still not over that incredible bathroom scene in Love Lies Bleeding) more often than not the fullness and reality of lesbian sex is still not exactly on display.

In large part it's because we live in a fabulously patriarchal society that's not exactly all about women’s empowerment, to say the least. So, we find ourselves in a place where women’s pleasure is rarely (if ever) centered around conversations about sex. More often than not, it’s focused on the gratification of men.

And that’s just where the misconceptions begin. So to help debunk these wrong ideas, PRIDE spoke with licensed sexologist and relationship therapistSofie Roos, and coming out coachAnne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div. for their help in tearing down the infamous misconceptions concerning Sapphic hookups.

1. All we do is go down on each other.

If movies are anything to go by, there are really only two things that Sapphics do with one another in the boudoir (don't worry we’ll get to scissoring) and that's of course cunnilingus. And sure, that's a part of how we get down but as Roos tells PRIDE, lesbian sex is multifaceted. “ Many women prefer the intimacy of face to face sex and sometimes with oral sex the partner is too distant,” she explains.

The truth is, it’s all about exploration, adds Zanzal, “The woman's body is amazing, and has plenty of erogenous zones that can be stimulated in a variety of ways, both with the hands, tongue and with the help of oils, sex toys and tools. To say that lesbian sex only is about oral is as dumb as saying that gay sex only would be about blowjobs, or only about anal sex,” she tells PRIDE. We concur.

In other words, there’s no rulebook that says queer girls have to go down on each other all the time. Some people really don’t like it at all, and that’s fine. No one has sex the same way! That’s why it’s so fun to talk about.

2. Oh, and scissoring. So much scissoring.

Is scissoring a thing? Yes of course, but it's just one of the many ways lesbians can and do have sex — and it doesn’t work for everyone. So why is it so overly representative in Sapphic sexual depictions? “This is the trope of all tropes because it is the heteronormative idea you have to have your genitals together for “real sex” to occur,” explains Zanzal. “ Yes, there are people who are genetically blessed and have exposed clitoris that can be stimulated this way. But most folks have a clitoris that is covered by the labia and it would be challenging to receive pleasure from this type of stimulation,” she explains. So yeah, some couples swear by it, and others try it and just end up laughing and doing something else. But, if you like scissoring on the menu, then by all means, choose from it once in a while.

3. We do it for dudes.

No, in fact, “men have nothing to do with it. That is what makes it so amazing,” says Zanzal.“No, people are lesbians because that’s their real sexuality, and because they enjoy being intimate as well as being in a relationship with other fellow people with vulvas, and even though some people in the sex industry play lesbians to please your fantasies, I can ensure you that a majority of the lesbian sex happens when no man is watching!” adds Roos. In other words, we do it for ourselves. Next question.

4. Strap-ons are an urban legend.

Whenever straight people ask me about strap-ons, they whisper the word like they’re telling me a spooky myth they heard about once over a campfire. Some people love strap-ons, says Zanzal. “Toys, such as a dildo, used for strap-on sex, can be a part of lesbian sex. Not all lesbians use toys, but many women find pleasure and fun with penetrative sex with their partners. The best part is that, for some couples, each woman can take turns being the giver.” So, If you’re so curious, give ‘em a shot!

5. One of us is constantly wearing a snapback.

This is a funnier one, but for whatever reason there’s this idea that, in a queer couple, one person must wear a snapback. There’s nothing wrong with snapbacks. I think they’re hot. But they aren’t required for orgasms, cool as they may be.

6. We always orgasm.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: the idea that all queer girls do is have sex and orgasm for hours on end and never have bad, awkward, stumbly sex? It’s a total, gigantic lie. We may both be women, but that doesn’t mean we’re mirror images of each other. Not all women are the same or react the same way to certain stimuli. Bodies don’t all get down with the same-sex stuff, and some people like things that other people would never, ever try. Just like other couples, women who date women have to take time to figure out what the other person likes.

However, we do orgasm more than our straight, cis, counterparts. “Research proves this,” says Zanzal. “Women pay attention and they know what pleases their partners, she adds. “Also orgasms sometimes are not the goal, but pleasure and physical intimacy are what couples are seeking. Pleasure can exist even when an orgasm doesn’t occur.”

7. We’re anti-penis.

Alright, it’s time to talk about this. A lot of lesbians in the media (and, well, in real life) like to joke about how much they just hate penises and how they’re just so gay they’d never be able to get down with dick. But the issue here is that it’s transphobic as hell to act like all women have vaginas, and only men have penises. No one’s saying that you have to sleep with anyone you don’t want to have sex with, but we’ve got to stop running around badmouthing penises all the time. They’re just genitals! They didn’t do anything wrong.

Plus, this perpetuates the idea that all queer women are lesbians. Some of us are ace, some of us are bi, some are pan, some are just plain ol’ queer, etc... We’re complex, and we’ve got to stop perpetuating weird BS like this.

8. We’ve never been with a guy.

Going off of that last point, not all queer women are only interested in having sex with women. Some of us have had sex with men. Some of us have had sex with non-binary and genderqueer people. Some of us have never had sex with anyone but women, but still ID as bi or pan. It’s valid, regardless.

No matter how we get down and dirty, we’re who we say we are. Trust us. No one is any less queer because of how they get laid.

9. Lesbian Bed Death is inevitable

If you enjoy Sapphic sex chances are you've at least heard of, if not experienced, the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. Listen it happens but you are far from doomed from it and that it is something only queer women experience is a major misnomer.

“Sexual bed death happens in all long-term relationships,” says Zanzal. “Many straight couples sleep apart or don’t have sex for years. We don’t talk about that very much in our culture. Sexual intimacy has to be nurtured once the bloom of newness is gone.”

How to avoid it all about making sex a priority in your relationship she adds. “Whether straight or gay, is important to prevent the dying of this very special irreplaceable intimacy between two partners. My wife and I have been together for eight years and we make this part of our relationship a priority because we find everything is better between us when we experience regular sexual intimacy. There is nothing better than desiring your partner.”

Experts cited:

Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and relationship therapist & author at Passionerad

Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div., coming out coach