15 things I wish queer men were taught in sex ed

When it comes to sex ed, too many schools aren't queer-inclusive.

Oh, sex ed. A decade later, and the only thing I remember "learning" from it is "wear a condom." I honestly don’t think I could tell you another single bit of information they "taught" me except for that men have a vas deferens, which is somewhere in the penis. (Testicles, maybe?)

Imagine how nice it would have been if they actually taught us something useful! Imagine if instead of scaring us and making us fear our own sexuality, sex ed courses taught us how to embrace and explore our sexuality safely! Can you imagine??

So here are 15 things I wish sex ed courses taught me! (And all queer men and queer folks, for that matter. Screw it — everyone can benefit from this!)

1. How to clean your ass

How nice would that be? In addition to a condom on the banana routine, why don’t they have a douche in a carved out cantaloupe lesson? THAT would actually be the most helpful tidbit of information a sex ed class could teach that would be extremely practical.

2. It's okay to explore your interests

You may have an idea of the kind of sex you want to have, even when you're in Sex Ed. It's okay to explore different positions, partners, and experiences. Maybe you'll end up liking your sex pretty vanilla, and that's just as great as liking it all wet and wild.

3. There’s nothing shameful about getting an STI

I wouldn’t necessarily go around bragging about how you got gonorrhea, but it’s also not something you should feel embarrassed about. It’s not something you need to hide. If we all were more open about discussing STIs, we’d realize how ubiquitous they are.

4. You can live a normal and fulfilling life living with HIV

Again, you should protect yourself from acquiring HIV. You should wear condoms and be on PrEP. However, if you do contract HIV, it’s not the end of the world. It’s no longer a death sentence. It doesn’t mean you can never have sex again or get married. It just means you need to take more care of your body and have an open dialogue when meeting partners. Additionally, the CDC reports that being undetectable means your untransmittable.

5. Practice bottoming on yourself first

I don’t mean stick your own penis in your butt (that sounds more like tucking, actually). I mean get lube. Cut your nails down. Then cut them again shorter. Turn on some of your favorite porn, and slowly start to get to know your insides. I don't care if you’re straight, gay, bi, or literally anything. If you have a prostate, you should explore this. Even if you don’t have a prostate, you should explore it, because it still can feel really good.

6. There’s more to sex than anal (or vaginal) penetration

As a society, we are so obsessed with the P in the B or the P in the V, but there is so much more to sex than just that (literally ask any lesbian). When you become so focused on the physical act of penetration, it takes away from the sexual experience and all the other fun and pleasurable things you can do with your partner.

7. It is healthy and normal to be kinky

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has some kinks. A little somethin’ somethin’ that excites them. Some folks have definitely more “adventurous” kinks, and if you’re one of those folks, you should absolutely explore them. Because god knows if you’re into it, that means there’s someone else out there who’s into it and wants to do it with someone.

8. Not every bump is herpes

I somehow became the STI expert among my friend group, and I still get calls from straight friends from middle school telling me they have this “thing” on their penis, and they’re not sure if it’s herpes. More often than not, it’s just an ingrown hair from shaving too aggressively.

9. Molluscum Contagiosum

Okay, so if it’s not an ingrown hair it may be molluscum contagiosum. Given how prominent this is, I’m SHOCKED by how I’d never heard of it until I had it. These guys give you little bumps. It’s not even an STI. Children sometimes get them on places that aren’t their genitals from just playing. There are no real health ramifications from having them. Nothing to worry there. They’re just unpleasant looking and can be itchy. You just go in to see a nurse who can get rid of them right then and there with cryotherapy (freezing the lesion with liquid nitrogen). (It sounds a lot more painful than it is.) Or, the nurse may use curettage (the piercing of the core and scraping of caseous or cheesy material). Again, not a pleasant feeling, but not as painful as it sounds. (I’ve had both done on me.)

10. Splurge on nice condoms

Not all condoms are created equal. The condoms that are handed out at clinics are great (because they are free and they work) but they often feel like putting a plastic bag over your dick. Splurge on nicer condoms because they make sex a lot more pleasurable.

11. Men, like women, can be multi-orgasmic

I sure as hell didn’t know this for many, many years. The key is practicing kegel exercises all the damn time so you have control over your ejaculation, which is not actually synonymous with orgasm (although the two often go hand-in-hand).

12. Being a top or bottom or versatile doesn’t define you

The language we have that surrounds the conversation of sexual position really makes it seem like being a top or bottom defines who you are. We don’t ask which position do you prefer. We ask, “What are you?” Nevertheless, your sexual position preferences don’t define who you are sexually.

13. ED is normal in young and healthy men

We often think of erectile dysfunction as being an old man thing. But sometimes, young healthy men get it too. Often, it’s related to performance anxiety. The key is not obsessing over it. If you do, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you think and get nervous about it, and because of that, you can’t obtain an erection.

14. Many antidepressants can mess with your sex drive

A number of anxiety and depression medications that are Specific Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) can decrease your libido, hinder your erection, and make it difficult (or impossible) to reach orgasm. SSRIs that are highly proscribed include Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, and Paxil. (FYI, these are the brand names. They also come in generic form with different names.)

15. Be vocal about what you want during sex

No one is a mindreader. There’s no way he’s going guess what you like. You can, and should, give him clues. If you like be choked, take his hand and put it around your neck. If he does something with his tongue you like while blowing you, moan loudly. But these are all indirect clues. Feel free to also say, “YES! I LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT! KEEP DOING THAT!”