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Dating is stressful...why make it more complicated than it needs to be?
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Dating is less fun than getting a route canal sometimes, and as gay and bi men, it often feels like dating is totally futile.
The men you like never seem to like you back. Or they’re only looking for something casual. Or they play games. Or they never put you and your feelings into consideration when making decisions. Or they’re just…terrible…ya know? So dating is often such a pain for queer men. That said, here are some helpful tidbits of dating advice for guys who want to make the whole dating process just a tad bit less painful.
1. Be yourself at all costs
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He’s going to like you for you, and there’s no need to try and pretend to be anything but. Dating is a game, and first impressions, unfortunately, mean almost everything. The more you try to “impress” him, the more you may push him away.
2. Don't try to change him, either
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If you don't like it when guys try to tell you what to think or how to act, don't do it to him. It's much better to decide to go your separate ways than to try and change him to fit into whatever mold you have in mind for him.
3. Don't give up your boundaries
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No matter how cute he is! If you know he's no good, it doesn't matter what type of lust you feel toward him. The only time it's okay to loosen up your boundaries is when you feel comfortable doing so, not just doing it because you hope you can turn a hookup into a husband.
4. Release your expectations
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Expectations are some of the worst things you can do when it comes to dating. Keep your mind open. Keep your options open. Don't rush into anything you're not ready for, and let it all come to you. Sometimes, the more you push for it, the further you push it away from you, so exercise some patience whenever you can.
5. Don't get too excited too early
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When you meet someone you like and things go well on the first date, it can be easy to tell all of your friends about your newfound love. Try to keep it cool for a little while. You don’t want to put too much pressure on him too early, and he may not be as ready for a long-term relationship as you are.
6. Date outside your “type"
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Gay men, more so than straight men, love to have types or “preferences.” Now there’s nothing wrong with typically being more attracted to guys who look or present a certain way. That’s fine. I will say though, don’t rule out a whole group of people because they don’t fit what you’re customarily attracted to. Be open to all different types of guys. This widens your options greatly.
7. Know the reputation of the apps you’re using
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Guys have met through Grindr. They have dated, and even gotten married. This does actually happen. But Grindr still is primarily used for more casual encounters. So to only use Grindr while looking for a boyfriend isn’t necessarily the wisest move. Try Tinder, OkCupid, or other apps that have guys looking for more serious relationships.
8. Facetime before you meet up
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When my brother first recommended this to me, I thought it was ridiculous. But then I tried it, and I was shook by how successfully it worked. If you meet a guy online, been talking a little bit, and have decided to meet up, Facetime him first. This way, you avoid having that frustrating situation of getting all dressed up, excited, commuting to wherever you’re meeting, only to realize within seconds you have absolutely no attraction to him. A brief, playful Facetime can help you avoid this situation entirely. In my opinion, it’s much better to have an awkward, five-minute conversation over the phone, than an awkward, hour-long date in person. Also, if the Facetime goes well, it gets you even more excited about meeting IRL!
9. Don’t plan dates days ahead
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When you plan dates days ahead, the excitement and momentum slows down. It’s also more likely that something else will pop up and either you or he will need to cancel. Try to book first dates shortly after talking to a guy, and second dates shortly after the first.
10 . Don’t try to force attraction
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There was this guy I dated who was smart, funny, attractive, genuine, kind, and the list goes on and on. But despite all of this, there wasn’t that spark. I didn’t know why. I should have liked him. Foolishly, I tried to force the attraction, thinking that maybe over time I could grow more attracted to him. This did not work. What I learned from this, is that if you don’t have that special attraction or spark, don’t try to force it.
11. Sex is important, but not the end-all-be-all
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Sex is great. Sex is fabulous. Sex is…well, it’s sex. Having a healthy sex life is important. You want to enjoy sex with your man. You want to want to have sex. In the beginning of a relationship, I think it’s much more important for the sex to be good. It keeps the relationship going. But if you want your relationship to last more than a year, there needs to be other reasons why you’re dating him that have nothing to do with sex. Sex becomes less important as the relationship goes on.
12. Go in with low expectations, but still give it your all
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This is the key to dating successfully. The golden rule, if you will. Go in thinking that the guy is going to be a dud, and that nothing is going to happen. Still though, give him your attention and the opportunity to impress you. If it doesn’t work out, that’s fine because you had low expectations, but if it does, you will be pleasantly surprised.
13. Discuss interesting (even controversial) topics on the first date
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When he starts asking you what your brother does for work, that’s when you know the date is dead. Don’t be afraid to discuss more interesting, and yes, even controversial topics. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Take risks; that’s what makes for a memorable first date that leads to many more.
14. Make sure you share similar values (not interests)
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Let me clarify here. It is absolutely helpful to date a guy who likes doing similar things as you: working out, going to museums, similar music tastes, foods, etc. But this is also why you have friends. It’s this big falsehood that you need to share all interests with your hubby. He can like different things, and you don’t need to do everything with him. If you don’t like similar music, then go to concerts with your friends instead of him. What’s more important than interests is making sure you have similar values. That, is nonnegotiable.
15. Take a break from dating when exhausted
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Dating can be exhausting. Often, when you’re lining up dates, it feels like a second full-time job. Take a break from trying to meet guys when you start to experience dating fatigue. It’s not something you want to push past. When you’re ready and feel like you’ve built your stamina back up, then go ahead and start lining up dates again.
| 04/29/24
