30 common mistakes first-time tops make & how to avoid them

We all have to learn somewhere...

... and even for tops, those lessons can come the hard way (no pun intended). Everyone starts from the bottom (if you're brave) and learns how to be a better top with practice, so don't be too self-conscious. So whether this is your first time topping, don't now how to top for the first time, you're just looking to improve as a top, this list might be just the thing for you!

Thinking it's the easier role.

You may think that being a top is "easier" than being a bottom because you don't have to clean out and there isn't (usually) any pain. That said, being a top has plenty of its own problems, from being unable to get/keep it up or finishing too early. We'll talk about all of these more later on, but for now, just remember that being a top isn't "easier."

Rushing into topdom.

Being a top seems like a good role. They're low supply, and high demand, so you're always bound to find sexual partners. But there's plenty of responsibilities and requirements that come into play as a top. If it's not for you, that's totally okay.

Shoving it right in.

If you’ve never been on the bottom, you don’t know how it feels. Plain and simple. If all you’ve ever done is watch porn, it might behoove you to remember that most guys don’t like it when you shove it straight in. Slow and steady wins the race — at first.

Getting too excited.

It happens, and it’s similar to performance anxiety. If getting it up isn’t your problem, finishing too quick might be. Just remember to focus on your breathing, and it’s okay to edge it out and pause the penetration just to make the most of the experience.

Staying in one position the whole time.

This comes with experimenting, too, but once you’re in, don’t just stay in the same position the whole time. Especially because it’s likely that position is doggy. Flip him around a bit! Find a spot that makes him moan and go to town.

Saying the wrong thing.

And then making it awkward. Maybe he knows it’s your first time. Maybe he doesn’t. Just keep it cool, because you don’t want to ruin your chances right at the last minute.

Assuming tops automatically get boys.

Remember how we said tops are high demand but low supply? Well, you still have to put the work in to get a bottom. But don't worry. Whether it's hitting up clubs or going on dates, persistence is everything.

Refusing to exercise.

A good top is a physically active top. Sure, you don't have to go all out every day, but you should be getting physical exercise regularly to build the stamina and muscles you need to pleasure your bottom.

Not taking safe sex seriously.

Use a condom. Not just for your safety, but for your partner's, too.

Not being open to learn.

Like it or not, tops need to learn how to be an enjoyable top through practice and experience. The less open-minded a new top is with their partner, the more likely they are to struggle to please whoever they're sleeping with at the time.

Not coming prepared.

It's important to make a list of supplies you need, including for both before, during, and after sex. This includes: condoms, lube, mouthwash, wipes, and towels, just to name a few. Missing any part of the equation for, say, anal or oral can turn a fun first-time out into a frustrating experience.

Forgetting to wash up.

"Tops don't need to clean up after themselves," the saying goes. Well, that's not entirely true. You should make sure your junk is nice and clean. No bottom wants to be hit with a pool of sweat when they're going down on you.

Photo: Pixabay

Performance anxiety.

Topping isn't a performance. It's not an attempt to show you're the best, the hottest, or the most domineering. It's just a way to describe how two or more people interact with one another sexually. Don't pressure yourself to perform; just have fun!

Skimping out on foreplay.

How are you going to get your man all worked up and ready for you if you don't tease him first? Never underestimate the importance of foreplay.

Or preparation.

If he wants to do anal, both of you need to be prepared. That means doing more than just flipping him around and going in. Play with him, tease him, finger him, eat him out from behind. Again, read up on what you want to do before going all in.

Taking on too much.

Be honest about your shortcomings, and don't get overambitious. There's no shame in admitting if you're inexperienced with a certain act or position, but diving head-first into something you know nothing about is not just foolish, it's dangerous.

Not picking up on cues.

We always reiterate this point whenever we're talking about sex: communicating with your partner is vital. If he suddenly goes silent, or seems rather uncomfortable, check in with how he's doing. Anal can be uncomfortable for a bottom's first time, for instance, which is why a first-time top should definitely be making sure that his partner is feeling okay.

Making assumptions.

It's easy to assume that you know how your bottom's body works if you've read or watched a lot of smut. But real life is more complicated than fantasies. Walk in with an open mind, because you're going to need one if you want to top well.

Thinking your bottom is experienced.

Your bottom may be just as new to bottoming as you are to being a top. Be prepared to talk things out with him and learn each other's boundaries. You'll need to if you want to have fun together.

Going somewhere too daring.

There's a time and a place for bathroom sex. Your first time as a top is probably not it. Why? You're more likely to be clumsy, nervous, unprepared, and get nervous. Start somewhere comfortable, like the bedroom.

Relying on alcohol.

It's nice to loosen up now and then with alcohol, but your first time is best enjoyed sober. Plus, for some people, it takes more than one drink to cool nerves; a second drink can even heighten them.

Going way too fast and intense.

It's important to go at the pace and intensity that your bottom wants. Intense and fast isn't always fun for everyone.

Not experimenting.

Every top should experiment a little bit. Whether that's kink or roleplay, a new position, or a new makeout move, a standard routine eventually becomes a stale routine.

Getting cocky.

Everyone likes a confident top. But a cocky top? Unless you're doing some dom roleplaying, cockiness can come off as rude and annoying. It's a running theme in this list, don't get overconfident. In the same way, don't be too cocky, and if you feel the urge to be so, try to curb it.

Stopping once you're all done.

Don't leave your bottom hanging. Make sure your bottom has had his share of fun and is all set to rest before taking a break.

Not checking in after sex.

Cuddle next to each other. Ask if he liked it, say if you liked it too, let him know if you had fun. No need to hold back or act coy, the best sex is always open and honest.

Not realizing there's different ways to top.

Stereotypically, we think of tops as leaders during sex. But tops can be gentle, passive, kinky, shy, new, or experienced, just to name a few varieties. Check out our list of different tops types to see what we mean.

Still learning to laugh.

Sex is awkward, funny, and silly. It has its moments where two partners start laughing or teasing one another. Sex might seem super serious to a top first learning, but just one or two times together with a partner will quickly teach you to have a bit of fun.

Taking the role too seriously.

Tops and bottoms are roles that everyone plays during sex, but, at the end of the day, there's a lot of stereotypes attached to the roles. Don't take the roles too seriously; they're just landmarks to begin to understand and explore your sexuality.

Black and white thinking.

The truth is, there's probably some things you're great at as a top, other things that need some work. No harm in that. It's important to reflect on what you want to improve on while celebrating your accomplishments.