So you've met someone new and you're ready to get frisky. First of all, congrats. But secondly, now it's time to negotiate what exactly that is going to look like. For instance, if sex toys are going to be in the mix, if so which ones, how will they be used, who will use them, and, well, will they be used?
In other words, particularly when it comes to strap-ons, does every new partner require a fresh out of the packaged toy? Or can you reuse your sex with a new partner?
Right now you're probably asking, a new strap-on every time? In this economy? Listen, we get it, a good strap-on and harness combo is not cheap and it’s a quandry that has plagued Sapphics for time immemorial.
To finally get to the bottom (or we guess, technically, the top) of this question PRIDE reached out to the experts, Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, and Vicki Lyons, a sexual wellness expert & chief editor at Bodyjoys for their take on if its safe to share sex toys; if it’s ethical to do so; and what other strap-on related pitfalls we should all avoid.
Finally, for once and for all, let's get some post-strap-on clarity!
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Before we got into the ethics of it all we first wanted to know the answer to the most important question: Is it safe to reuse strap-ons with new partners?
“It’s safe,” Roos assures PRIDE, adding, “but requires good hygiene routines, and that you wear a condom on the strap-on every time you use it.”
Good hygiene, she explains, means not only using a condom but both washing it carefully after use and again before you use it with a new partner. “if not doing it right away you’ll have a growth of bacteria on the material that can be tricky to get rid of,” she says.
“When cleaning the strap-on, start with lukewarm water and wash the surface by rubbing it with your hands in the running water — then apply a disinfecting spray that’s made especially for sex toys, also called a sex toy cleaner, or a very mild soap and make sure it reaches all the small nooks and crannies such as under the balls, in the urethra, etc.”
Roos says you should spend about 30-60 applying the disinfecting soap and then rinsing it off with more lukewarm water, before repeating the whole procedure a second time.
Before you engage with a new partner Roos emphasizes washing it again. Yes, again. “Since you most likely have missed washing away some of the bacteria and this can lead to it spreading,” she warns.
Lyons agrees, adding that along with cleanliness, transparency, and consent are essential if you intend to use the same strap-on with someone new.
“They should be made aware that you use your toys with other partners too so that they can make an informed decision and give consent. Using a toy with multiple people without their knowledge isn't okay. It may be that they would prefer to use a different toy or to buy a new one altogether and you should always be open to this idea,” she tells PRIDE.
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So, you’ve scrubbed and rinsed your strap-on the prescribed number of times, now what?
“Many people only think about the strap-on dildo itself and forget about the harness, but you need to wash that too as it gets unclean, as well,” says Roos. “The easiest is to clean the harness with some sex toy disinfectant and a clean towel by just wiping it off after each time you’ve used it.”
However, if you're using it with a new partner there are extra steps to consider, says Roos. “Make sure to clean it properly before using it with someone new, especially the O-Ring where you connect the strap-on with the harness since this part has been in most contact with bodily fluids!”
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Now to the trickier question, is it ethical to use the same sex toy you've used with a former lover with your new one?
“Even though you’re able to re-use your strap-on and harness with someone new if keeping a high hygiene standard, I think it’s inappropriate,” says Roos. “It’s such a private thing, and it’s emotionally loaded since it’s been a thing between you and your ex-partner, and in my eyes does it belong to the past.”
Roos continues, “Bringing an old strap-on into the new relationship is like bringing a part of your ex back when you have sex!”
Though Roos concedes not everyone feels this way, “It’s up to every person to decide, but I truly think it’s fair to be honest with your new partner and tell them that you’ve used this set in a previous relationship, and ask if they’re okay with you using it together now,” she advises. “If not, just invest in a new set — it’s totally worth it. Strap-ons and harnesses are made to be replaced anyway!”
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If rather than buying a new set you want to see how your partner would feel about using the one you have, the best way to approach it, Lyons says, is to do so directly.
“Honesty is the key to a good sexual relationship and it will also open up the conversation to other things too, making you closer as a couple and giving you the ability to be more intimate and adventurous,” she explains.
Broaching the subject can be a natural part of the conversation you have about sex toys more generally, adds Roos. “That’s the perfect time to bring up that you have a strap-on kit that’s been used with your previous partner [and to ask if] your partner feels comfortable using it if you wash it again very carefully, or if they prefer the two of you investing in a completely new set!”
“If you’re in a relationship with the goal of being long-term, more people tend to feel uncomfortable using the old strap-on, while people generally feel more okay about it if you're in a more casual relationship,” Roos adds.
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Aside from simply discussing the history of your strap-om on Roos says it is good practice to have clear communication about the entire experience. “It’s extremely important to have good communication since the one penetrating can have a hard time feeling how it is for the other person. For example, if the angle is too sharp or if it’s too intense.” she explains.
She offers a simple system of communication that will allow you both to stay in the moment. “In the beginning, I suggest making use of the traffic light system where ‘green’ means I love it, it feels great and just keep on the same way. ‘Yellow’ means that things are heading somewhere uncomfortable and that it’s time to cool down a bit, maybe by changing sex position, the angle or the tempo. And ‘red’ is the same as saying a stop, meaning the sex stops immediately without any delay,” says Roos.
“And of course, both the one penetrating and the one being penetrated can use this system to communicate how they feel — a common misunderstanding is that only the one receiving the strap-on can feel bad or uncomfortable,” she adds. “Besides that, you should also talk about who penetrates, what sex positions you prefer, if it’s something you’re not comfortable with, and if the one penetrating should receive any direct pleasure at the same time, such as being stimulated on any other erogenous zones such as the nipples, or if they would like to use a couples vibrator, etc.”
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While we're on the subject, Roos shared a few quick tips on how we can elevate our strap-on game — and avoid these common pitfalls.
1. Don't skip the pre-sex chat.
“The biggest mistake people make is not talking about the basics beforehand. Just because it’s obvious to you what you think ‘everyone wants,’ that doesn't guarantee to align with your partner's preferences.”
2. Do get into the nitty gritty about desires and boundaries.
“Things such as sex positions that don't feel great, who wears the harness, and if you like to switch who wears it during the sex.”
“I also recommend doing a check in the beginning together to make sure everything feels good and not take for granted that it’s ready to go. This includes checking that the harness is placed correctly, that the dildo is stable, and that both of you are in a comfortable position!”
3. Don’t skip the sexual aftercare.
Sexual aftercare is also extra important and something that needs to be a part of your strap-on etiquette since it’s an experience that can create a lot of feelings afterward. So show your love for your partner and that you’re there for them and talk through the experience together.
Sofie Roos, Licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, and author atPassionerad
Vicki Lyons, Sexual wellness expert & chief editor at BodyjoysBodyjoys
