A Modest Proposal for Why Lesbians Should Outnumber Men at American Universities

65-45 – A Modest Proposal for Why I Think Lesbians Should Soon Outnumber Men at American Universities

"I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country." - Jonathan Swift

Three things happened to me that prompted me to write this essay you are about to read:

1.    I read an article in the Sunday New York Times called "The New Math On Campus: when women outnumber men at a college, dating culture is skewed."
2.    I am in northern California visiting my parents for a few weeks, and of course, my mother decided to ask me today about the exact series of events in college that led to me coming out at age 21.
3.    My friend told me it is imperative that I draft an article on this subject.

So here it is.

It has come to my attention that there is an unprecedented gender imbalance in American universities today.  Once an exclusive "boys only" club, colleges in the United States have come to the realization that their campuses are now dominated by a dominant female to male ratio.  

At some schools the numbers are hovering at 66 percent female to 34 percent male.  What does this mean for the girls subjected to this gender skewing?  According to the New York Times, bad news.  Girls throughout the article complained about the lack of available men, while boys professed amazement at their ability to play the field and get the hot girls they would never have originally bargained for.  One woman lamented, "Out of that 40 percent [of men at the school], there are maybe 20 percent that we would consider, and out of those 20, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent."

Sigh.  Why is it that every publication in our country is primarily concerned with whether or not an intelligent, beautiful girl will be able to find a man who she can marry?

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Hot College Girls of America: I ask you this simple question.  Why?  Why do you feel compelled to claw and clamor at each other over an ever-shrinking population of available men.  Furthermore, the likelihood of these men being assholes is inversely proportional to their falling numbers.  I cite you this quote from the New York Times:

"Guys tend to overshoot themselves and find a really beautiful girlfriend they couldn't date otherwise, but can, thanks to the ratio."

This little gem was spoken by one college man who admitted that his college girlfriend of three years only dated him because she "didn't think she would meet another guy," and he dated her because "I didn't think I would meet another girl as attractive as her."

Charming.  Ladies, do you really want to lower your standards to unheard-of levels, get rejected all the time by undeserving guys who are taking advantage of the ratio and hooking up with all of your friends?  Of course not.  You are smart.  You are beautiful.  You are getting a degree in Political Science and you are worrying about whether or not some pea-brain with a penis is going to text you back or not.  This has to end!  But fear not.  After many long hours pondering the plight of you poor, deprived college girls, I have reached a glowing solution.  I have struck a match and will light an idea; an idea that will blaze across this great nation and set fire in the minds and spirits of these women.  
 
To you straight girls in female-dominated colleges, I have one clear, simple proposal for you: you have options!  Take a look at your best friend.  No, actually look.  She's gorgeous, isn't she?  Enough said. 

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Statistically, a percentage of you are going to be actual lesbians, and a much larger percentage are partially bi or bi curious.  It is spoken in the realms of pure and unfettered science.  Despite what the non-believers will try to convince you of, it is an entirely natural and biologically selected behavior.  Humans are the only animals on this earth capable of lifelong exclusive same sex preference.  However, if you are really, really straight and the idea of sleeping with a woman disgusts you, I feel for you and I wish you the best in your limited male dating pool. The best thing I can tell you is, you have plenty of time once launched into the real world to find Mr. Right.  From what I've heard, once men get beyond college, they actually spend money on women they date, unlike the perpetually penniless and hungover college guy.

And to those of you who have considered the possibility of intimacy with another woman but have never had the courage to do it, what is stopping you?  Give it the ole' college try!

Have I gotten your attention yet?  For the strong of heart, read on, as I expound the reasons behind my suggestion. 

College and lesbianism have been cozy bedfellows from the moment they started letting women into those sacred halls.  They say the first sororities were founded as an arena in which women could assert authority and be equal to men, but I think there might be more to this story.  I'm not saying Susan B. Anthony dated Elizabeth Cady Stanton, but let's be honest.  Like a chemistry experiment in which the atoms are inexorably drawn to one another, almost every girl I know, even the die-hard straight "I will only sleep with someone if he has a beard and wears flannel" kind of girls have sailed to the Isle of Lesbos at least once while completing their undergraduate degrees.  Something is amiss here.  Female sexuality is far more fluid and ever-changing than our patriarchal society is willing to admit, and going away to college is an unheard of opportunity for many questioning, curious, bisexual, or closeted lesbians to explore "the love that dare not speak its name" (thank you, Oscar Wilde). 

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You've all probably heard the phrase "gay until graduation," but what does it mean, exactly?  As for myself, I've only heard this little maxim (no pun intended) in reference to women.  And this might well be true.  Having studied extensively the ins and outs of human sexuality, I have learned that men tend to have a more hard-lined, unshakable sexuality, whether gay or straight, and rarely deviate from their preferred gender, though there is a small percentage of men who call themselves decidedly bi.  (Bisexual men, please leave comments, I'd really appreciate your input here). 

Women, however, are an entirely different story.  We are mysteries wrapped in enigmas.  We are wholly unpredictable creatures. Many of us explore several distinct sexual stages in our lives before figuring out which is our preference.  Like the elusive Carmen San Diego (who is quite attractive, if you consider it), women are all over the map, sexually speaking.  There are those girls who fooled around with their best friends in junior high, only to go on to become the biggest guy magnet in high school and beyond, girls who made out with their best friend in college "just once, for the experience," and went on to a happy marriage with 2.4 kids and a golden retriever, girls who spent their whole lives in the shadows of an invisible closet only to wake up at fifty, mid-menopause, screaming "OHMIGODIMGAY," and finally, women like me who figured it out somewhere between 20 and 30, and to this day have to explain to idiotic men in bars that yes, in fact, I am GAY.

Regardless, female sexuality is about as convoluted as the Theban labyrinth, and there is no telling where a girl will end up.  But it is clear to me that if she is at a college similar to those mentioned in the Times, it quite possibly could be another woman's bed.

Without giving away too many revealing specifics, I will tell you that my time in college was absolutely essential to my coming out as a lesbian.  Along with being asked by close female friends on three separate occasions if I was "bi" (they were all exceptionally inebriated when they posed this question to me), I did my fair share of experimentation and, eventually, met the woman of my dreams.  For some reason that has yet to be understood, my mom became suddenly curious last weekend as to how her eighteen year old, decidedly "boy-crazy" college-bound daughter could emerge a full-blown lesbian four years later and asked me to explain, in detail, the defining moments that led to this astounding transition.  

As I related various stories to my mom, including the awkward bisexual questions, her simple response was, "Well these girls that asked you were probably gay themselves and looking, that doesn't mean you were putting off gay vibes."  I had to explain to her that, as far as I can tell, gayness exists on a frequency beyond that of AM and FM and only people tuned in can really tell who is or isn't a member of Team Rainbow.  "The reason, Mom, that these girls could call me out for who I was, is not just because they were gay or bi, it was because they could see the same thing in me, duh."

My mom nodded, changed the subject, and went back to dicing tomatoes.

The point, however, is that I am not the only girl I know who fooled around with other girls in college.  Whether it's a phase from which the girl awakens to find out she still likes men, a revelation of possible bisexual tendencies, or the epiphany that you are destined for a life with a wife, the fact remains that many many girls learn the intricacies of lesbian sex at least for a brief period. This article should stand as a simple reminder to all you women out there, disgusted by your college boyfriends and looking for a change, that the solution could be as close as your roommate.  

So since I don't have any new statistics demonstrating a marked rise in lesbianism among current college girls, I have to conclude my article with an enormous question mark and a pretty strong hunch that this is indeed the case.

Does anyone want to triple-dog-dare me to go undercover at the nearest gender-skewed universities and find out? ?


*****Author's Disclaimer: The above piece is not intended to be taken seriously.  If you are a homophobic butthead who stumbled upon this page in search of queer websites to comment to death with your hell fire and nonsense, I suggest you go read Jonathan Swift and learn the definition of satire.  And, no, I'm not promoting a "gay recruitment agenda" because such an agenda does not exist.  Neither do gay-to-straight converts. Or unicorns. Cheers! Love, Katie*****

Read more of Katie's stories here.

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