This past summer SheWired contributor and our friend Tatum de Roeck was diagnosed with breast cancer. The co-host of Cherry Bomb and of her own interview style show on SheWired T-Time with Tatum began blogging about her experience shortly after her diagnosis. Via her writing, she shares the intimate details of taking breast cancer one step at a time in a blog that is incredibly emotional and moving but always infused with Tatum's lightning-quick wit and her ability to remain positive.
Tatum has graciously agreed to share her story with readers as we embark on October, Breast Cancer Awareness month. We will be posting her blogs on SheWired throughout the month.
First Thoughts - written June 16, 2011
On Tuesday morning I didn’t really know I had been asleep until my eyes started to open. I felt a swirling sensation that something was very wrong. I wondered if I was hung-over. I immediately wracked my brain for a memory of bad dancing or inappropriate flirting that usually accompany this ‘something is wrong’ feeling.
No words formulated but my stomach turned over. It felt like that song by John Mayer, “when you are dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.” Then I suddenly remembered I wasn’t in the midst of a breakup. Somber words began formulating in my mind. My inner voice spoke slowly and concretely, ”I have...” it paused, and gasped for air “breast... cancer.” Another rather indignant voice piped up in my head declaring “And I am not waking up and listening to that everyday.” I laughed out loud.
I lay there thinking of new first thoughts to have. I don’t want to give energy to something I don’t want. I was determined to come up with a catchy new active positive phrase to be my new first thoughts such as, “I am a well-being warrior” or “I am a health crusader.” I couldn’t decide and I wasn’t in love with them and I forgot to find one I liked.
Wednesday morning I woke up to my inner voice declaring slowly, as if giving me time to jump in, “I have…” a smaller more neurotically paced voice spewed, “oh gosh the phrases I thought of all began with I am, oh no, think of something quick, that goes with I have, I have…” The small voice became higher pitched as it strained to think of a positive first thought that didn’t involve saying the words breast cancer. Eventually it harmonized with the inner voice and finished the phrase with “Health Challenges.” My indignant voice popped up loudly to declare, “That’s not good enough.” My response again was to laugh at my failed attempt to be as positive and active as I wanted. I also giggled at how PC it came out sounding “I have health challenges” a teasing, high-eyebrowed voice repeated. I promised myself I would have a first thought phrase before I go to bed.
At 4:30 am on Thursday morning I woke to the light flickering from my candles that my friends had put good healing energy into. (As a side note they are safely placed and not a fire risk) A calm reassured voice quietly said, “We got this.” Then the louder inner voice declared as it’s Official First Thought of the Day, “I am... Curable.” I smiled.
I never really understood mantras, some part of me always thought they were a little silly and avoided the truth. Now I understand why having a handy phrase ready to go, like a drive-through of mantras, can make me feel good. I can’t change the fact that I now wake up thinking about breast cancer but I can change whether I wake up heavy hearted or uplifted.
I am welcoming any new first thoughts/mantra suggestions. Any catchy, even cheesy slogans are gratefully accepted. I want to keep giggling as I wake up.
You can follow Tatum on her blog here.
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