Lesbian dating is hard at the best of times, but between the severe lack of lesbian bars, navigating countless dating apps, being an awkward flirt, and overcoming your nerves, what is a shy sapphic supposed to do?
If you’re a shy baby dyke with no clue how to approach queer women, don’t worry the lesbians of Reddit have you covered!
When newly minted and inexperienced sappicss asked about how to approach women, the older wiser lesbians came out in droves to impart wisdom they’ve gleaned from their years of dating fails and wins.
So whether you’re a shy baby gay wanting to learn how to spot a fellow lesbian out in the wild, or you need to know how to flirt with women, or you want step-by-step instructions on how to pick up queer ladies at the bar, sometimes the OWLs know what they’re talking about!
Answers are lightly edited for for spelling and grammar.
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"I compliment their outfit or hair and make small talk while throwing in some double entendres." — TerraVella
"When I was single dancing was my strongest suit. Like it’s easier to have an understandable form of consent when you ask someone to dance with you in a loud environment (you make eye contact, you do the back and forth hand signal, and mouth “wanna dance?” And they nod yes or no.) Then depending how you're vibing, you ask if you can buy her a drink at the bar, have a little convo, go back to dancing, ask for her number." — pataconconqueso
"Big thing, tone of voice. We are taught to raise the pitch of our voice in general, but that doesn’t convey lesbian sexual interest. Hit ’em with the deeper sultry voice. Hit ’em with the, respectfully, lingering eye contact. Honestly, just take men’s techniques, refine it, and do it better. You innately will do it better." — Apart_Tumbleweed_948
"Move to the city. Find the lesbian bar. Go wild. I literally used to talk to anyone. Now I’m like overwhelmed because I’m swimming in it." — dark_and_scary
"I've always just approached with my honest feelings... if she's not interested she'll say no... then wish her a good day and move on, keep a positive attitude." — Cautious-Branch-4261
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"From personal experience, the worst thing that's happened to me if I hit on a woman that was straight was she just told me "No, I'm sorry. I'm straight" and that was the end of it BUT I would also like to clarify that I live in NYC so people are pretty open and chill out here compared to other places."
"Telling if women are w/w is something that will come with time. I'd say trust your gut if you feel like you caught a vibe but just be chill about it ... and just see where it goes."
"Rejection isn't as bad as it's built up to be. At first, it can seem a little jarring and deterring but I promise it's not too bad." — SapphosRage
"I always just go up, introduce myself, give a compliment, and roll from there. The worst thing that happens is they say no. In which case they can F off. :) I’m not scared of no. It means nothing about me. I’m femme. But I love love love butches. 9/10 I initiate. So I just toss the ball in the butch court and watch what you do with it." — Robotron713
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"Lesbians have a different look, different type of confidence to straight girls, many (not all) dress slightly differently, certain styles can be a giveaway, we walk differently (we strut) tend to have shorter nails, etc. There’s some tell[ing] signs but it’s not 100% however once you pick it up the world gets bigger and easier! Trick is, lesbians always want to find and bond with other lesbians. ALWAYS. Even if we are taken, we tend to still want to be friends. Often both people find themselves trying to find a subtle way to bring it into conversation if they think the person they’re talking to maybe gay." — Aggravating_Art_4809
"Combat boots or Timberlands are also a giveaway." — Aggravating_Art_4809
"I work as a DJ in various bars and clubs and even though they aren’t 'queer clubs' on paper a lot of bisexual / lesbian pref girls who hang out there. What I find to be interesting is that they’re just super open about talking about everything. I think that’s kind of the first step - you know, just talking to them. Compliments on their outfit (personally I love this myself). Just generally being cool and conversational. I guess it’s kinda worth saying that I get approached more than I talk. For one thing, I’m openly bisexual myself and according to my friends over there I dress 'like a stud.' Somehow denim, leather, and motorcycles are draw factors 🤷🏽♀️. Maybe it’s the hair. Not sure lol. Either way, I find just being myself to be most effective. Talking to other girls is never really the issue as much as finding the right person to talk to at that level 😅." — causeKenzie
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"I look at them, hope they look at me, then I look some more and do absolutely nothing. It works every time and I save lots of money." — archetyping101
"Usually i just walk but if the floor is really slippy I might take off my shoes and slide in my socks like a Sapphic risky business." — Thawing-icequeen
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"Always been so bad at this. I'm shy, awkward, and can't read a signal for beans." — Huge_Razzmatazz_985
"I have zero gaydar. I thought my now wife was straight when she hit on me at a lesbian bar." — grandmawaffles
