10 reasons the phrase 'gold star lesbian' needs to die

What’s the gold star for?

Simply put, a “gold star lesbian” is a lesbian who has never slept with a man. So, what’s the problem? Why does this phrase need to die? Take a look at the following 10 reasons.

1. It's another attempt to control women

Although some lesbians wear the term with pride, a lot also feel like it’s offensive. The current climate already aims to control women’s reproductive systems, and the “gold star” that there are right and wrong ways for women to have sex. You deserve a gold star any time you have sex with whomever and however YOU choose to. Period.

2. It reinforces negative LGBTQIA+ stereotypes

The “gold star” term also reinforces the idea that anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum can “choose” who they would like to have sex with. By asking “why” they haven’t had sex with the opposite gender, it insinuates they have a desire they’re simply not acting on, and that’s simply not the truth.

3. It places value on some sexual experiences above others.

Most of us can probably agree that it’s totally weird and creepy to place a huge amount of value on the virginity of women and girls (virginity meaning, typically, penis-in-vagina hetero sex), because women don’t lose value when they “lose” their virginity. The whole “gold star lesbian” thing places those same values of “purity” on lesbians who haven’t slept with men. A woman’s value shouldn’t have anything to do with whom she has or hasn’t slept with, regardless of what community she’s in.

4. There are plenty of lesbians who have slept with men…and guess what? They’re still lesbians.

We live in a messed up heteronormative world that puts enormous pressure on women to partner up with men, and some lesbians do just that before they come out. It doesn’t change the fact that those lesbians are still only attracted to women, and we shouldn’t imply their sexuality is less legitimate, or that their attraction to women is any less pure.

5. It plays into the narrative that bi women have less pure intentions when they date women.

The idea that never sleeping with a man is the standard we should all strive to live up to plays into the idea that bisexual women are less desirable for lesbians to date, since they’re not as “pure” in their sexual desires or experiences.

6. It can make it more difficult for rape survivors to talk about their experiences.

Placing so much value on the “gold star” can make lesbians who have never had sex with men, but who have been raped by men, feel far more uncomfortable talking about their experience with other lesbians, because the “gold star” is so tied into ideas of status and purity.

7. It can be used to justify transphobia.

While “gold star lesbian” really just means a lesbian who has never slept with a man, penis is often equated with man in lesbian communities, and invoking the “gross out” effect of certain genitalia in “gold star” conversations is common. (We see it played for humor in online videos where lesbians touch a penis for the first time.) Here’s the thing: no one really cares what genitalia your girlfriend has, and no one really cares who you date. But don’t exclude trans lesbians, or the cis lesbians who date them from your definition of “ideal” or “real” lesbians.

8. It centers men — again.

We know what you're thinking, doesn't rewarding lack of sex with men with a "gold star" decenter them? No ma'am it brings them back into the conversation unnecessarily. AGAIN.

9. Hierarchy undermines queer solidarity

If right about now your distrust and distaste for cis men is at an all-time high, we get it. The desire to distance yourself from them and make a statement about how much you aren't fucking with them — of fucking them for that matter — is absolutely understandable. Just make sure that it's not done in a way that undermines queer solidarity by creating a hierarchical dynamic in our Sapphic community. Our future may be uncertain, but our need for community is not.

10. Because fuck the gender binary, that's why.

At the end of the day, this kind of thinking is so passé. We are queer, we are nonconformist, we are punk rock and rebellious against the status quo by our very nature. Love who you want, fuck you who want, and identify as you are. Don't let anyone put you in a box, even if it comes with a pretty gold star.