Dear Straight Girls: An Open Letter Love, Lesbians

Dear Straight Girls, 

First, congratulations on meeting a real-life lesbian.

It’s a "Dear Diary" moment, we know, but before you get too excited, there are a few things we’d like to clear up.

Most importantly, we don’t want to be your token gay friend. Because it starts with OITNB marathons and hat shopping but always ends up the same. With a smug face, you'll introduce us as your trophy GBF, while we wave awkwardly as you poke us, trying to get us to say something gay.

Secondly, WE ARE NOT HITTING ON YOU. You’re straight and therefore way off our gaydar; you lack the gay-girl swagger and would be next to useless in bed. So stop getting edgy over every arm brush or innocent smile. Sit down — you're not that hot.

Also, while you’re more than welcome to join us for Pride parades and nights at gay clubs, you don't need to treat us like a Bengal tiger being introduced to a strange habitat (your "straight world"). It’s sweet of you to interject your conversations with “OMG what would Ellen DeGeneres think?!” combined with a knowing look, but it may surprise you to know we don’t spend all out time rolled up in a rainbow flag listening to Tegan and Sarah and knitting beanies. We watched Mean Girls too. We get the references. But thanks for including us in your "normal" life.

Now, we’re going to say this one last time. NO, WE WILL NOT HAVE A THREESOME WITH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND. It's not gay people’s job to spice up the failing sex lives of straight couples. Please ask your man to stop looking at my tits.

Next, you can stop pointing out every lesbian you see to us. We totally already spotted them way before you did anyway.

Yes, we’ve seen a penis, and you can talk about them. I mean, we may not have seen one in the flesh or know the inner workings, but we get the gist. Just because we have no interest in them doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your sex life. But we do reserve the right to pull faces.

Along the same lines, do feel free to ask questions. But if you do, be prepared for details and honesty. We're not going to tone this down for you. If you don’t want to know what "tribbing" is, then don’t ask.

Neither of us are "the man." If you haven’t noticed, we both have tits. Stop asking. Also, we don’t drink default butch drinks. Do check with us before ordering us a bottle of beer. Thanks.

We don’t know what to do about your DIY issues or pet problems, or why your car is making that noise. Go find a professional.

While we appreciate your blanket stereotyping and occasional bandwagoning of our culture, you can stop strategically wearing plaid and Dr. Martens when you’re around us. That’s not how lesbians work nowadays, and if you accept us as we are, then we’ll return the favor.

Lots of love (and not in a homo way),

Your Lesbian Friends

P.S. Stop rolling your eyes when we talk about Kristen Stewart. Trust us … we know. Just wait.

About the author: EJ Rosetta is an LGBT columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire, England, with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta