In the growing list of sexual identities and terms, you may have a hard time figuring out where exactly you fit. Fortunately, as the terms expand, it’s more likely you’ll discover something you’d never heard of that ends up being exactly what you didn’t know you needed.
When it comes to sex, a lot of different factors come into play. You may need to have an emotional connection before having sex, known as demisexuality. You may not have a preference for any type of gender or binary identity, known as pansexuality. You also may not have any attraction to anyone at all, known as asexuality.
However, you also may only be attracted to someone you don’t know, which is what we’re here to talk about today.
Also known as ignotasexual, fraysexuality is an identity within the asexual spectrum wherein you’re only attracted to strangers or people you don’t know very well. In a lot of ways, it’s the polar opposite of demisexuality, though it doesn’t fully mean that a fraysexual person can never find love.
Fraysexuals also have their own flag, where the blue color represents total strangers, the cyan represents acquaintances, the white to stand for the lack of attraction and the gray to stand for the confusion involved.
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Believe it or not, the term “fraysexual” has been around for about a decade now. It was first coined under the now-deactivated Tumblr account EdensMachine, though the post still made it into the archive.
The original definition reads: “Someone who is only sexually/romantically attracted to someone that they are less familiar with, and lose interest when they get to know the person. [Old French: An Ash tree. Old English: Stranger.]
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It might seem like people who are fraysexual can’t date. This isn’t necessarily the case. Fraysexuality isn’t the same as aromanticism, wherein the individual doesn’t experience any romantic attraction at all. Within relationships, it’s always important to remember there are both physical and emotional aspects involved.
Within fraysexual relationships, the bottom line is just that as they get to know each other, the romantic and emotional connection will both stay and grow, but the sexual attraction will diminish over time.
In general, it isn’t totally uncommon for couples to have less sex over time than they do when they first meet, and you may not even know you’re fraysexual until you’re in a committed relationship. As with anything else, communication on this matter is key.
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I’ll admit, the fraysexual term is a newer one in my personal lexicon, and I feel like it explained a lot about how I felt when I was younger. I was constantly confused because I sought a romantic and intimate relationship, but the moment I had sex with someone, I was over it. The moment any walls started to come down, I was over it. While I don’t fully identify as fraysexual, I thought something was wrong with me, and it’s always nice to get validation that nothing was.
The same goes for you.
Look, anonymous sex is prevalent within the LGBTQIA+ community. Everyone has their own opinions on sex, and the most important thing is just to own who you are. The fact that fraysexuality falls under the asexual umbrella is simply because it’s an unconventional way to look at and view sex.
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As mentioned above, fraysexuality is basically the opposite of demisexuality. Identifying as fraysexual, however, does not have a bearing as to the gender which you’re attracted to, nor does it have an impact on your romantic orientation.
Essentially, fraysexuals can identify as either gay or straight. They can be nonbinary or trans. They can be anyone, anywhere, which is also something important for straight people to know.
Likewise, fraysexuals can also be biromantic, homoromantic, heteroromantic, or fall into any other romantic orientation. Romance and sex are not necessarily mutually exclusive. You can still be in love with and care about someone and lose your sexual attraction to them.
And while we’re here, fraysexuals can also experience any type of relationship. This means they can still choose monogamy or to be open, and they’re also just as capable of exploring polyamory and engaging in swing relationships.
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Truthfully, like a lot of other things, it’s likely you’ll just know. There’s curiosity and education when it comes to expanding your knowledge about all of these various terms, but there’s also things that resonate with you, and various things will resonate with you in various ways.
You may be fraysexual if you lose sexual interest in your partner but still desire romantic stability with them. If you’re like me and just get over the person as soon as you get under them, that doesn’t particularly mean you’re fraysexual, but it could be an indication.
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Since fraysexuality falls under the asexual umbrella, for the most part, asexual groups and dating apps will be your best bet for finding people who feel the same way you do.
A couple of apps like Asexual Cupid and Taimi are a good place to start, though it could be difficult to narrow it down and find people who experience any sexual attraction on there.
As the term grows in popularity and more people realize it’s something that resonates with them, it’s only a matter of time before more spaces are created for fraysexuals to be able to come together and find others who think the same way they do. In the meantime, there's a small but growing fraysexuality support Facebook group you're encouraged to join.
