10 Ways You're Totally Wrong About Demisexuality

Let's address these myths, shall we?

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In the ever-increasing lexicon of terms used within the LGBTQ+ community, it can be difficult to keep up with what's what, and it can be easy to listen to a bunch of misinformation and myths when it comes to the identities.

For those curious or confused about demisexuality, this is an individual who requires some sort of romantic or emotional connection with someone prior to them having sex together.

This seems like an easy one to understand, but there are plenty of myths when it comes to being demisexual. Here are 10 we all need to unlearn.

1. Demisexuals judge others for having sex

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Just because someone who identifies as demisexual requires an emotional bond before they have sex doesn't mean they're automatically going to judge anybody else for jumping into the sack. Having that emotional bond is not a choice, but demisexuals on an individual level have varying opinions on casual sex. Some may even participate in it themselves, if they find the right person.

2. Demisexual people don't enjoy sex at all

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This thought clumps demisexuality in the same avenue as asexuality, which is a totally separate thing. The bond demisexuals are looking for doesn't necessarily have to be emotional. This doesn't mean that they don't have any sexual attractions or interest in sex, and they're just as capable of enjoying it as anybody else.

3. Demisexuality and celibacy are one and the same

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Like clumping demisexuality with asexuality, celibacy is not the same thing as demisexual. Celibacy is a practice and a choice, and those who practice celibacy very much desire sex but choose to abstain from it for moral, ethical, or health reasons. Demisexuality, on the other hand, is not a choice, the same as with any other orientation.

4. Demisexuals are attracted to all of their close friends

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Thoughts like this are the same thing as thinking every gay man is going to be interested in every other gay man just because they're gay. Sexual attraction growing out of emotional bonds doesn't mean every emotional bond will lead to a sexual attraction within demisexuals. They're just as happy with their platonic relationships as the rest of us.

5. Demisexuality is a response to a traumatic sexual experience

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This is among the more harmful misconceptions people have about demisexuality. Sexual trauma is a very real thing for many people of varying identities and orientations. Demisexuality is not a choice, nor is it a result of anything that's happened in the individual's life. It is simply who they are and how they feel.

6. Demisexuality is fake and individuals just want a label to claim oppression

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People assume that anything they don't understand is either fake or simply doesn't exist. They also assume people are just creating labels to be able to claim themselves as part of an oppressed group. Neither of these assumptions are true. There's nothing wrong with requiring an emotional connection prior to sex, first of all. There's also nothing that makes demisexuals "broken" or any immediate need for them to be "oppressed." Most demisexuals simply feel misunderstood and wish there was better understanding of who they are as individuals.

7. Anyone who doesn't enjoy casual sex is demisexual

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Not everybody enjoys casual sex, regardless of how they identify. There are plenty of people out there who choose to wait until they get to know somebody before they jump into bed with them, but that doesn't automatically make the emotional bond a requirement. Demisexual people are not making a choice, which is the most important thing to differentiate when it comes to the idea of casual sex, similar to the difference with celibacy.

8. Demisexuals are afraid of intimacy

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If anything, this is one of the most inaccurate myths out there. Emotional bonds usually lead toward a deeper intimacy in the first place, and there are many forms of intimacy that transcend the idea of physical interaction. Those who fear intimacy usually have a problem being vulnerable around other people, which is not the same thing as requiring an emotional connection.

9. Demisexuality is a sign of a low sex drive

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Like everybody else, demisexual individuals have varying levels of sex drives once they enter their relationship. Some of them may have sex all the time, others may not. Demisexuality itself refers to the need to have the attraction first, not how often they have sex once that connection is there.

10. Demisexuality determines your sexual orientation

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Demisexuality in and of itself is considered a sexual orientation, but there's a little more to it than that. Demisexuality is an orientation, yes, but it's more of an identity layered on top of it. Any orientation can identify as demisexual, whether homosexual, hetero, or anything in between, and has nothing to do with an attraction to any other gender. Since there are also a lot of opinions that demisexuality is just "straight people trying to be queer," viewing it as more of an identity helps it remain more inclusive toward everybody who actually feels that way.