All of the Weird Things White Queer People Say About Race

Don't say these things. EVER.

From whitewashed mainstream queer media, to a general lack of people of color in queer spaces, POC definitely get the short end of the stick when it comes to finding visibility and support as queer people. And while some white queer folks are totally devoted to learning to be anti-racist and practicing anti-racism, many are still under the impression that they are the only marginalized folks in society, and therefore don’t have to learn about anyone else’s marginalization.

#TalkLikeAWhiteGay highlighted the messed up things that many gay men say about race, and a survey found that 80% of Black guys, 79% of Asian guys, 75% of South Asian guys, and 64% of mixed race guys have experienced racism. We’re still working to dismantle the idea that communities of color are more racist than white ones. Queer women still face unique forms of discrimination.

As a result, queer people of color tend to hear some pretty funky things from white queer folks when it comes to race. What are some of the most common, and most irritating, things that white queer folks say about race? We compiled our faves.

1. “My Black friend says I can use the n-word.”

Ah, the mysterious, ever-present-but-somehow-invisible Black Friend. While everyone seems to have one, they only seem to come up in conversation when it’s time for a white person to excuse a racist behavior. Here’s the thing: no matter what your one Black friend says about you getting to say the n-word, or various other slurs directed toward Black people and people of color, you should probably go ahead and not do that. Contrary to popular belief, one POC doesn’t speak for all, and the majority has long since spoken. Keep slurs out of your mouth unless they pertain to your particular identity group. Period.

2. “I’d never date an [insert-racial-group-here].”

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard a white queer person, IRL or online, say that so-and-so is hot, but they’d never date them because they don’t date people of color. There’s usually an excuse tied along with it, but it all comes down to you deciding that somehow ALL people of color look the same, and so you’ll date none of them. Clearly this is false, and clearly you’re an asshole. Luckily, POC aren’t dying to date you. I promise.

3. “I don’t see color.”

This is just one of those phrases that will. Not. Die. I absolutely swear to you that, pending a disability, you do see color. You know that your Black friend is Black, and that your Brown friends are Brown. Pretend all you may, but you know that there’s a difference between us, and often a very visible one at that. Acting like we’re all the same doesn’t help me out, it just makes you more comfortable.

4. Mixing up one POC for another.

Literally nothing is more awkward than a white person talking to your POC friend/lover/hook up like they’ve met them before when they ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT. I know, I know, somehow your “not seeing color” has made it impossible for you to recognize the totally unique and separate facial features of people of color, but I promise that you haven’t met this person before, and now everything is weird forever.

5. “We’re all gay, so race doesn’t really matter. We’re the same!”

We’re not queer first, and then people of color second. We’re both, at the same time. Just like women of color are both women, and people of color, you can’t separate out identities to make things more convenient. We’re ourselves 100% of the time.

6. “I really want to date a [insert-racial-group-here]. I hear they…”

Perpetuating stereotypes? Not so great. While some stereotypes seem more complimentary than others, they are always, always, always based in completely unflattering and often horrendous history. Joking that Black guys have giant penises? Not just transphobic, but also perpetuating the idea that Black men are big, scary, hyper-sexual beings too dangerous to be around white women. Joking that Latina women are hot and spicy and always down to do it? You’re perpetuating a history that says that these aren’t women, they’re sexual objects. Think before you spit out “flattering” sexual stereotypes.

7. “I’m actually a Black woman on the inside.”

No, you aren’t. And it’s not funny to turn Black women into flattened, dehumanized caricatures for your own social benefit.

8. “We already fought for equal rights for POC. Now it’s MY turn.”

I get that many people have been taught that the Civil Rights Movement won and is done and racism is over forever, but that just isn’t the case. While the queer community is clearly oppressed, so are people of color, and queer people of color are totally erased when we act like the two communities are inherently separate.