9 You Should Do If Comparing Yourself To Others Is Making You Unhappy

9 Things You Should Do If You're Always Comparing Yourself to Others

No matter how confident we are with our bodies, it’s nearly impossible to not compare ourselves to others. As Theodore Roosevelt once wisely said, “Comparison really can be the thief of joy.”

There's a lot of advice out there, from friends, colleagues, therapists, and researchers about how to curb the primal -- and destructive -- tendency to compare ourselves to others.

Here are 9 tips we've found to be most useful.

1. Get off the dating apps

We’ll talk more about social media in general in a minute, but if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others (and getting hard on yourself for it), the first thing you should do is get off of dating apps. They’re shallow, they’re wildly unsuccessful, and they’re probably making your self-esteem a lot worse. It’s also good to remember that many photos are filtered, so what you’re seeing is not always what you get.

2. Consider therapy

Sometimes the idea of therapy can also feel a little like failure, but it’s not. It’s actually really healthy and it can do wonders to help you with your confidence and constant comparing yourself to others. Of course, finding a good therapist is also akin to dating sometimes, and you may have to try a few before you find one that’s the right fit, but it’s something you should consider either way.

3. Explore where your desire to compare yourself to others comes from

“Oftentimes our parents compare us to others, whether it’s a sibling or another child, and that plants the seed in our heads,” therapist Dr. Firestone explained to Man Repeller. “A woman recently came to one of my workshops, and her mother would always say things to her like, ‘You’re prettier than those other little girls’ or ‘You’re smarter than those other little girls,’ mostly because she wanted to be the mother of the prettiest and smartest little girl. It was more for her than for her child. Now, any time this woman goes into a room, even in her '40s, she compares herself to everybody there. I mention this example because it shows how important it is to think critically about why we compare ourselves and when. Picking that apart and identifying the source or the origin can be helpful in diminishing its power.”

4. Stop living through social media

Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter can be a great way to connect with others and stay in touch, but their negative effects quickly become apparent, says Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist who studies the impact of social media on our lives.  “Since we’re only getting people’s ‘highlight reels’ and comparing it to ourselves, it is natural to have painful reactions to what we’re watching. It’s become the new version of ‘Keeping up with the Joneses,” she says. The way to solve this problem is to only follow actual friends, not famous celebs or Instacelebs. (Or conversely, you can take a break from social media altogether.)

5. Worry less about your self-esteem

We think of self-esteem as being the most important thing in the world. However, as Tanisha Ranger, PsyD points out, the way we think about self-esteem is backwards: Feeling good about yourself doesn't help you create positive changes. Conversely, making positive changes will help you feel good about yourself. Ranger says, “At some point we collectively, as a society, decided that self-esteem was the most important thing for people to have and in some ways that made sense. However, ‘self-esteem’ is basically all about comparison! Do I view myself as good as compared to others? And this is where, I think, our problems are born.”

6. Focus on similarities, not differences

Instead of comparing yourself to others, where you focus on what you do better or worse, focus on the things you have in common. Dr. Ranger says that true happiness comes from connecting with others over similarities. “We all experience struggles, pain, and hurt and recognizing and acknowledging that in others will help you feel connected to others rather than feeling ‘less’ or ‘better’ (and therefore separate) from them.”

7. Spend time around the people who care for you, love you, and make you feel good about yourself

“Friends or family members who make you feel like yourself—those are the people you want to be around,” Dr. Firestone explained. “However, I don’t mean you shouldn’t spend time with people who help you grow. Find people who appreciate you just the way you are but also help you problem-solve when you need it or push you out of your comfort zone. Explore activities that make you feel capable and fulfilled. Focus on creating meaning in your life instead of constantly trying to measure up to an intangible standard of your own invention.”

8. Instead of being envious, be thankful

Wellness expert and life/health coach Dr. Susan Biali Haas told VICE, “As soon as you catch yourself comparing yourself to someone, replace the habitual thought (“So and so is so much [fill in the blank] than me”) and replace it with a helpful truth. For example: “So and so is [beautiful, rich, popular etc] but I don’t know what the rest of their life is like. They surely have struggles I don’t know about.” Another trick you can use when tempted to compare yourself to others is to catch yourself in the habit and instead think of something you’re grateful for. If you focus on what you don’t have, you’ll feel frustrated and envious. If you focus on what you do have instead, you’ll feel so much more content and less tempted to compare.”

9. Channel the impulse to compare into something productive

“When you’re jealous of a trait or behavior that someone else possesses, think of it as an opportunity for self-improvement—not in a self-critical way, but in a self-compassionate way,” said Dr. Firestone. “With the right perspective, making observations about other people’s success can actually be empowering. Instead of asking yourself why you don’t have what they have or haven’t accomplished what they’ve accomplished, ask yourself what you can learn from them.”