Dear Gay Men, Here's What to Message Instead of Just 'Hey'

We have a ~serious~ epidemic in the gay community, and it needs to stop. For some reason, it’s completely acceptable to send “hey” texts and messages. 

Now when I say "hey" messages, I mean sending a guy a message that says "hey" and only "hey." I don’t mean on Grindr, where it is technically “acceptable.” And I use the term “acceptable” here loosely, because while you can do it, it’s not going to get you laid. You really should start the conversation with a picture. (Not an asshole or dick pic, just a regular picture of you is fine.) Or if you do want to start the convo with a message, at least say, “Hey! How’s your day going?” 

But as I said, I’m not talking about Grindr. I’m talking about sending “Hey” to a random person on Facebook. Or even worse, “Hey” to a guy after you've hooked up with him once. 

A surprising number of gay men on Facebook think that if you don’t respond to “hey” from a stranger, that means they should send “hey” four more times and then proceed to attempt video calling. Now I thought it would be clear, upon not responding, that video calling would be the exact opposite of what to do. But apparently, I’m mistaken. I’m all for making connections via the Internet, obviously. I’m a damn queer millennial, but you have to at least put in some work and not be creepy as all hell. 

And as for the the “hey” text to a guy you’ve slept with. This is a big "no-no." 

I’ve experimented with how to respond. Anything from not responding. To saying, “Hey, how are you?” to a simple, “Hey” back. No matter what I respond, it’s awkward. The reason being, I have no idea what it is the guy wants. 

So here's what you should be messaging a stranger or a past hookup instead of just saying, "hey." There are two crucial things to keep in my mind when messaging in these situations.

1. You want to make him feel like an individual. 

Even if you did, you don't want him to think that you're sending dozens of "hey" messages to random guys on Facebook. If he thinks that, he's probably unlikely to respond, because he'll think you're a bit too thirsty. He wants to know why you're talking to him, specifically, and not any other of the random gay guys on Facebook or guys that you've previously hooked up with. 

2. You have to know why it is you're talking to him. 

If you usually start a conversation with “hey” to chat because you want it to become more than a one-time thing, then actually chat. Saying “hey” isn't chatting. Ask him how his day is going. Tell him a joke. Say something cute. If you want a booty call, there's no shame in that either, but then again, be direct. Something along the lines of, "Hey, it was a lot of fun fooling around [X] days ago. Would definitely be down for round two if you're up for it." That makes it super clear, and when you're direct, you'll get a clear answer. If you want a platonic friend, then say something friendly. Ask to grab some coffee or see if he'd be interested in going to a movie. 

Messages like this one are *gems.*

“Hey, I saw your photos, and you seem super cute and fun. Also saw we have a bunch of friends in common. How have you been?” Now that’s still aggressive to say to a stranger, but it’s kind and also reveals you’re not a serial killer. Or maybe I should say, you’re less likely to be a serial killer. It also shows that you’re not mass messaging every single guy on Facebook. (You still may be, which would be sneaky, but with a message like this, we at least don’t assume that.)    

We don't want to feel like pieces of meat (I mean sometimes, we really do, but that's not what I'm talking about here...) So put in a little bit of work, and watch the world of difference it can be when making new connections with guys.