How to Find Love as a Gay Man in the Hookup Generation

Having sex has never been easier for gay and bisexual men than it is in 2016. With apps like Grindr and Tinder, you can have dick delivered to your door quicker than a large Domino’s pizza. While this can, of course, be fun and liberating, it’s sidetracked many queer men from pursuing more real and fulfilling relationships. Please don’t get me wrong — I absolutely love casual hookups and am one of the few queer men who actually enjoys Grindr. I’ve not only had great sexual encounters but have made some lifelong friends through the app. I do, however, think it’s very easy to get into the “Hit it and quit it” mentality with apps like Grindr and Scruff, causing us to accidentally pass by someone with whom we could have had a real emotional connection.

Still, love is far from dead; you just need to know how to go about searching for it. So if you are a hopeless romantic, looking for that one person to spend your life with, you need to change your approach to finding men. Here are some tidbits of advice to help you find the perfect man.

1. Stop looking for love in the wrong places.
 

Grindr is not the right way to meet a guy if you’re trying to date. OkCupid and even Tinder are better. But what’s even better than that? Making connections through sports teams, singing groups, and friends of friends.

2. Be forward about want you want.

Are you looking for love? Then say it. Don’t be too aggressive and propose on the first date. Don’t come off as desperate. But I think it’s fair to say, and let the guy know early on, that you’re looking for something more serious.

3. Don’t settle.

Dating is exhausting, and there will be times when nice guys really like you. They even treat you really well. That doesn’t mean you should date them. Don’t let your dating fatigue get the best of you. Don’t lose hope. 

4. Be willing to compromise.

That said, there is such a thing as being too picky, and that might mean you’re not actually ready to be in a relationship. Compromises, even sacrifices, will need to be made. Just make sure you don’t compromise on the things that you find most important.

5. Don’t hide your feelings.

They’ll either come out in a way you don’t want them to, or, simply put, you’ll be unhappy. You may even begin to resent him. Say what you need to say. Let out all your emotions.

6. Don’t force him into a relationship if he’s not there —or not the relationship type.

Some wild stallions can’t be tamed. That’s OK. Ultimatums seldom work for the better. If he’s not in a place to date seriously, don’t try to push him into it. He needs to get there organically.  

7. Make him wait a little before you have sex.

Yes, of course, there are plenty of guys out there who had sex on the first date and are happily married 10 bajillion years later. However, especially when you really like someone, it’s good to wait. Not only does it build up the sexual tension, it gives you time to see if you actually like him once your initial infatuation wanes — and that you don’t just like him for the sex, cuddling, and Netflix.