Have you ever been having dinner with your romantic partner, and all of a sudden, you start cringing every time they take a bite because the sound of their chewing grosses you out, or you've been trying to Netflix and chill when your hookup picks a movie that instantly turns you off? That feeling is what's been dubbed "the ick." There has been a lot of discourse about it online in recent years, but what is "the ick," what causes it, and most importantly, is your relationship doomed after you get it?
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Catching "the ick" describes a sudden feeling of disgust toward your romantic partner, and is often triggered by something dumb and inconsequential. "One minute you're looking at your partner, all cute and wonderful, and then suddenly, bam! They do something like mispronounce 'espresso' as 'expresso,' and you're questioning every life choice that led you to this moment," Hannah Reeves, a relationship therapist and writer for the online dating platform Private Sugar Club tells PRIDE. "It's like an internal switch flips, and suddenly, everything about them grates on you. The way they walk, the way they laugh, even how they breathe. It's the weirdest, most irrational feeling, but it's not uncommon."
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The feeling of repulsion is usually caused by behaviors or mannerisms that you suddenly find unattractive. Reeves says that we usually get "the ick" when the "illusion" that our partner is perfect is broken. "I tell my clients all the time, no one's perfect. But when the honeymoon phase starts to wane, and we start seeing those little quirks, sometimes they rub us the wrong way," Reeves says. "And let's face it, our brains are excellent at hyper-focusing on the most random things when we're feeling unsure. One day they're just eating a sandwich, and the next, you're watching the way they chew like it's a personal attack."
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Your relationship isn't over just because you got "the ick," but it may take some work to recover. "It doesn't have to be fatal, but it depends on the depth of the relationship and communication," Jeanne Cross, a queer therapist and owner of the EMDR Center of Denver tells PRIDE. "If 'the ick' is tied to superficial traits, it's easier to overcome. If it's rooted in deeper incompatibilities, it can end a relationship." It's also important to differentiate between little things about someone that bugs you and red flags that are a warning sign you should break up.
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Once you’ve seen your partner cut their toenails in the living room or won’t stop talking about astrology and you’ve got “the ick,” what steps can you take to move on and fall back in love?
Learning to accept the quirky things your partner does that annoy you or make you cringe is the key to moving past them. "Accept your partner's icks, they are a part of how they are, and you will most likely start to see them as charming after a while when knowing the person better," says Sofie Roos, a bisexual sexologist and relationship therapist based in Sweden tells PRIDE.
Having open and honest dialogue with your partner is always a good idea, especially if you’re struggling to reconnect with them after getting “the ick.” Reeves explains, “Communication is another big one. And not the kind of communication where you just blurt out, ‘You’re driving me nuts because you say ‘pacifically’ instead of ‘specifically!’ I mean having a gentle, open conversation about how you’re feeling and seeing if there’s something more going on.”
If you’re struggling to get over “the ick” and none of the other suggestions have worked, give therapy a try; both solo and couples therapy could be beneficial. “If you learn how to deal with yourself when you’re feeling an ick rather than to run towards a new relationship, you have a higher chance of finding long-term and happy relationships as well as to maintain the current one,” Roos explains.
And finally, if you just can’t get past it, be honest with yourself and your partner and move on. “If the ick won’t go away, it might be your gut trying to tell you something bigger,” Reeves says. "I’ve always said, ‘trust your gut, but give your heart a little say too.’ Sometimes it’s just a phase, other times it’s a neon sign screaming 'this isn’t it.’ Either way, it’s worth taking the time to figure it out, whether through self-reflection or by working it through with your partner.”
