11 Tips For Gay/Bi Men Who Never Had A Serious Boyfriend (But Want One)

11 Tips for Gay & Bi Men who have Never had a Serious Boyfriend (and Want One)

I was 33 when I got my first boyfriend, and for a long time, I thought I was the only one who struggled. Turns out, I'm not, and plenty of people are stuck asking themselves questions like “Am I unlovable?” “Will I ever have a boyfriend?” and “Is it me?”

No, you’re not unlovable. Yes, you can have a boyfriend if you so choose. And yes, it probably is you (sorry). Or rather, something that you’re doing that’s hindering you from having a meaningful and sustaining relationship with another man. So here are 11 tips to not change you, but rather, some of your actions/thought processes that are hurting your chances of finding love.

1. Get off all gay sex apps immediately

It is highly unlikely that you will find love on Grindr, Hornet, and Scruff. That’s not to say people haven't done it. But hey, if you’ve been using sex apps for literal years and haven’t found anyone to date on it, then it’s probably not the avenue you should be taking. I’m all for online dating, but use apps like Tinder or OkCupid that are less geared towards having sex and never speaking to each other ever again.  

2. Be comfortable being single (for now)

Hear me out for a second, because believe me, I really hated it when people gave me this advice. It’s annoying, but it’s true. You have to be able to be comfortable in your own skin and on your own. This just helps prevent any type of codependency you may have once you do find that relationship, especially if you’ve been waiting for a long time (Again, I was 33 when I had my first one, don’t tell me I don’t understand.)

3. Decide on the type of partner you want to be

While you’re waiting, it’s a good time to think about who you want to be in the relationship. Do you want to be empathetic and understanding? Do you care at all about communication? What is something you expect out of any relationship, and is that expectation acting as a hindrance or a needed preventative while you wait for the perfect guy? Self-reflection isn’t always fun, but it will help you show up as a better partner whenever the relationship happens.

4. Don't give up

He’s out there, whether you believe it or not, and it’s only a matter of time before your paths cross. The thing is, once you meet him, you’ll look back on everything you went through while you waited and you’ll find out that, if he had met you any time before he actually did, the relationship wouldn’t work to the way it does now.

5. Join gay groups/teams

First off, you’ll make a number of friends which is amazing. And while you may actually meet someone in the group who has similar interests to you, it’s also likely that you’ll meet their friends. Members from my gay water polo team set up teammates with their friends all the time.

6. Believe there’s a first time for everything

This has to do with modifying your thought processes. There’s something to be said about self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don’t think it’s going to happen, you’re not going to put your best foot forward and you’re going to either consciously or unconsciously sabotage yourself. You need to believe that you will find someone. It might take a month, a year, or a decade, but you absolutely will.  

7. Cool it with drugs and alcohol

If you use drugs and alcohol as social courage while going out, I’d recommend seeing if you can go out without getting scholshed or high. A beer or two is fine to calm the nerves, but if you’re drunk all the time, you’re not going to be able to find Mr. Right.

8. No more sex on the first date

Now, this is only for guys who have noticed a pattern of having sex on the first date and then being unable to secure a second. As we all know, a number of guys lose interest if you have sex with them quickly. This doesn't necessarily make these men “bad men,” but it might mean that you have to squeeze your hole extra tight to not let them in on the first date.  

9. Don’t fall in love with the idea of him

Ohhhh, this happens a lot. You’re so desperate to have a boyfriend that after two weeks of dating a guy, you want to be monogamous and get married. No. Stop it. After two weeks you don’t know if you like someone. You just know if you like the idea of him. Don’t rush into things because you want a boyfriend badly. Otherwise the relationship will be over as quickly as it began.

10. Unfollow Instagram couples (that you don’t know)

For the love of God, unfollow all those muscle, couple hunks. The pictures they’re posting do not reveal the actual details (and struggles) of their relationship. They are not your #relationshipgoals. All they are going to do is make you feel bad for not being in a relationship.

11. Remember, there’s no rush

Breathe. Relax. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen. Focus on yourself. Becoming the best person you can be. Be a good friend. Take up a hobby. Strive for a promotion. Focus on other things than love. Love will come in its own time.