15 reasons age gaps don’t matter for gay & bi men

Age is only a number!

Age is just a number (or so we’ve been told). But I would say, in general, that queer men tend to care less about the age of their partner than straight folks. I’d say this is a good thing, but also not an accident.

Here are 15 reasons why the age gap doesn’t matter for (many) gay and bisexual men!

1. Our business is our own

First and foremost, simply put, it’s basically the same as any other relationship: None of your business, really. If the gap in age doesn’t matter to us, it shouldn’t matter to you, either.

2. Coming out is not a linear process

We'll talk about maturity levels a little later, but being gay is in a league of its own when it comes to figuring out who you are. A lot of men don't come out until later in life, and some may even already have kids or families that they've left. Younger gay men understand that it's never easy to come out, so sometimes dating an older man who's just come to terms with his sexuality is just as good as dating someone your own age.

3. You know how to ignore unwanted opinions

There are plenty of opinions when it comes to gay men dating each other from totally opposite ends of the age spectrum. Fortunately, neither one of you are likely to care. You both know what you want, you're both willing to go after it, and more often than not, that's all you'll need.

4. There's a good level of trust

Trust and communication are important factors in any relationship, and there's something about the age gap that brings that about. The older person in the couple has been through life and is more likely to know how to set and create boundaries, and the younger counterpart is open to learning what they need.

5. We can learn a lot from each other

Everyone is from different walks of life, always. The younger one in the couple can learn a lot from the life experiences of their elder partner. Likewise, the younger partner also brings out the youth and free spirit of the elder partner, which creates a beautiful yin-yang balance that allows us to learn equally from each other.

6. We share similar experiences regardless of age

Just by being part of a marginalized group—the LGBT community—we share similar experiences. All gay/bi men who are openly dating and identifying as gay/bi had to come out at some point in their lives. Many of us have strained relationships with our families. We all know what it’s like to face discrimination and homophobia. We know what it’s like to be the “outsider.” Age doesn’t affect that. We all share certain experiences just by being queer.

7. Our dating pool is limited

Our dating pool is tiny. Even when we live in a big metropolitan city, our dating pool is still shockingly small. So if we were to limit ourselves to dating men only within a two year range of our own, we would be making our dating pool even smaller. Most queer men can’t afford to do that. Dating is already tough as is!

8. Gay/bi men range in level of maturity

We all know 22-year-old gay men with the soul of 40 year olds. We also know the opposite, too. Gay men in their 50s who act like they’re 22. One’s level of maturity is more important than the year they were born.

9. Many of us don’t want kids

Not wanting kids makes it easier to not care about age gaps. I think there would be a lot of challenges, regardless of sexual orientation, if a 22 year old and a 50 year old had kids together. But if you don’t want kids, you don’t have to worry about any of that.

10. We realize that what stage of life you’re in is more important

I’ve dated men many years my senior and junior. What I’ve realized is that the stage of life you're in is more important than your actual age. So if one of you is still an undergrad, and the other a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, then you’re at really different stages of your life. It makes it difficult to engage and relate to one another. But if you’re both in grad school, it doesn't really matter if the guy you’re dating is 20 years older or younger than you.

11. We still have fun well into our old age

Queer men have fun well into their later years. There’s nothing shameful about going out to a gay bar in your 50’s. You can still do fun things with your boyfriend, regardless of his age. We know you’re never too old to have a little fun.

12. Good sex is good sex

When the sex is good, it doesn’t matter how old or young you are (as long as you’re past the age of consent). Older gay men have years of sexual experience making them beasts in the bedroom, and younger gay men have novel excitement that comes from not having boned a bunch of times yet!

13. Daddies are in

I recognize how it’s somewhat bizarre to say that daddies are “hip” so to speak, but a number of young queer men (myself included, if we’re calling late 20s young), want some daddies in our lives. There’s not only an international party but also a print magazine called “Daddy Issues.” Daddies are finally having their rightful heyday.

14. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship

Years ago, when there was no internet or ways of connecting with other gay men through apps, it was particularly difficult to meet other queer people, especially as a young person. Having an older gay man to help answer your questions, teach you about gay culture, and make you feel less alone saved younger gay kids’ lives. Older gays also gain a sense of pride as a protector and educator, acting as a mentor to these young men. Today, even with gay apps, having a older-younger relationship is still good for burgeoning young queers and older gay men.

15. Are you seriously gonna look me right in the eyes and tell me I can’t date a daddy?

How dare you?! Daddies are sexy! If I want to date one, so help me God, nobody is going to stop me!