20 signs you're an emotionally unavailable gay man

Don't worry, you're not alone

After numerous boyfriends, casual flings, one-night stands, and years of dating, you think you’ve come to the root of your problem: you’re emotionally unavailable. You’re not 100% sure, but what you do know, is that you haven’t really allowed yourself to open up fully, and the last guy you dated ended the relationship because he felt you weren’t vulnerable enough.

Don’t worry, you are not alone. God knows there are tens of thousands of gay guys out there who are in the same boat as you.

Here are 20 signs you’re an emotionally unavailable man. If you find yourself having many of these signs, I would definitely recommend talking to a therapist to help you figure out what exactly is going on in your life.

1. You’re on Grindr nonstop

I can’t emphasize this enough. If you’re on Grindr nonstop, you’re not looking for a boyfriend. You’re looking for sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’re trying really hard to meet available and dateable guys because you’re on Grindr 24/7. Go on other apps that are better suited for dating, like OkCupid or Tinder.

2. You get defensive

There's a little thing called constructive criticism, and it is not something you favor. Any time someone tries to address anything, you get defensive and ignore anything they try to tell you. Maybe you take everything as a personal attack when it couldn't be farther from the truth.

3. You lack empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to feel their pain, and to understand their perspective. If any or all of these are hard for you, it's pretty likely you're emotionally unavailable.

4. Relationships feel like a job

The thought of commitment immediately ushers the "ugh" response in your mind. It feels like a chore to get to know somebody, or a burden to take on their pain or a waste of energy to spend any quality time with him. If it feels like you're clocking in for a job when you're trying to get to know somebody, you're more than likely emotionally unavailable.

5. Your conversations lack depth

Everything stays surface level. You might not even really know their names, even if you talk to them on multiple occasions. You don't share anything about yourself just as much as you don't ask others to share about themselves, and your conversations just severely lack any depth.

6. You prioritize work and other ventures

It’s not a bad thing to have a job. It’s not a bad thing to have friends or to be busy or to have a pretty jam-packed schedule. But if you’re constantly prioritizing anything else but dating, it’s a clear sign that you might be emotionally unavailable.

7. Fear of intimacy

Yes, I attacked you like this. This is one the biggest reasons relationships never really get to blossom, and it really falls down to both sides. Intimacy is a hard thing, and it’s different than being vulnerable. If you’re letting a fear of intimacy hold you back, you’re standing in your own way.

8. You nitpick every guy you meet

You always complain that there’s something wrong with every guy you meet. Yes, sometimes there are large faults and deal breakers (e.g., he’s an alcoholic) but other times, it’s as trivial an issue as his stubble gives you a skin rash when you kiss, so you can’t date him. It’s like, you DEFINITELY can date him. That’s not a huge issue and one you two could easily work out.

9. You blame the city (and small dating pool)

I’m not going to pretend like we have as many options as straight folks, but we still do have options. Yes, our community is small, but there are literally still millions of gay men in the United States. Millions. So yes, there are men out there for you.

10. You hit it and quit it

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I’m staunchly sex-positive and all about exploring sexuality. However, if you’re constantly sleeping with guys and then never seeing them again, that’s actually a defense mechanism you use to not get close to them. I often really like to go on dates after I’ve slept with a guy. At that point, I can tell if I really like him because, for me, it’s like we’ve gotten the sex out of the way, so I can now actually get to know his personality.

11. You’re still dealing with some internalized homophobia

Yes, you’re out as gay, but you only sleep with men when you’re really drunk, you’re femmephobic, and you hate guys for acting “so gay.” If this is the case, there are likely some unresolved issues regarding your own sexuality and self-loathing, and you need to get those things figured out before you attempt to date a guy.

12. You’re stuck on a past love

It happens. Take as much time as you need to get over him (within reason...I mean, you gotta move on at some point.) Don’t attempt to date other guys if you’re fresh out of a breakup. You simply won’t be able to fully commit.

13. You think nothing is ever your fault

There’s a saying, “If you think every guy you meet is an assh*le, then you’re the assh*le.” Likewise, if you think that you’ve never done something wrong and it was always their fault that you didn’t last more than a couple of dates, then you need to look inward, because odds are, there’s something that you’re doing that’s contributing to your inability to get past a few dates.

14. You think every ruined relationship is your fault

Similarly, it’s inaccurate if you think everything's your fault. That’s not the case either. In fact, self-blame can be a large indicator of depression, and I would highly recommend talking to a therapist about it.

15. You’re playing hard to get

​When you’re playing hard to get, you’re behaving both dishonestly and immaturely. Playing hard to get doesn't allow for a relationship to grow. It doesn’t allow you to be emotionally honest. It just coaxes someone into liking you for all the wrong reasons. Here are four things you should be doing instead of playing hard to get.

16. You’re looking for someone that doesn’t exist (AKA Prince Charming)

He has to have this, act like this, look like this, enjoy this, and hate this. You’re looking for a perfect person, and perfect people do not exist. We all have flaws. So when you’re looking for someone with such specific attributes, there’s no way you’re going to be able to find him.

17. You don’t give men chances

At the first site of anything you dislike in the slightest, you bail. Often, you need to give relationships time to blossom. Don’t immediately bail on a guy because he does one thing that you dislike.

18. You’re too focused or stressed about other life factors

This happens. Sometimes we have too many other stressful or exciting things going on our lives where we simply don’t have the time and emotional energy to give to dating (or a partner). There’s nothing wrong with this, but in these situations, you are emotionally unavailable.

19. You crave chaos (but conflate it with excitement)

Instead of yearning for stability, you yearn for chaos. However, of course, you never call it chaos; you call it excitement. Because of this, you tend to date emotionally unstable guys who have numerous serious problems (drug addiction, anger issues, etc.). This shows you’re not ready for a real, adult relationship.

20. You never allow yourself to be vulnerable

This is the big one! If you never allow yourself to open up and reveal who you are to someone, including your faults, then you’re not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. When you put up a huge wall so people can’t get close to you, you’re an emotionally unavailable man.