I just had the worst ever trip through JFK security and it made me think it might be time for a refresher on traveling with sexytime items. Every seasoned security officer has seen his or her fair share of “massagers,” but it doesn’t mean they wont stop and question you about an item if they can’t ascertain its use. I once nearly missed a flight coming back from a sex toy convention in Las Vegas because the stainless steel double dildo I was carrying freaked out the security staff. I had to say, “It’s a sex toy, do you want me to show you how it works?” to four different people before they let me go. As a well-adjusted sex-loving human, it’s your right to pack anything you like. But if huffy security guards make your blood pressure rise, follow these tips.
Know Your Rights
They aren’t allowed to say anything about your personal items or make you feel uncomfortable in any way. Most security guards will be more embarrassed than you are about your 10-inch schlong, so if you really love it, don’t be shy about bringing it along. So what if they find it? It will tell them you are a happy sex positive person, and that’s a great thing to be.
Check it.
Don’t pack anything suspicious-looking in your carry on. Even if you feel totally comfortable talking to the security guard and X-ray tech about your kegelcisor, carrying it on board means a sure fire bag search, which is annoying at the very least. And if you can’t bring nail clippers on board, they probably wont let you carry on your catheter and sounds set, or breath control equipment. You’ll just hold up an already slow line and having your boxers fondled by some grubby stranger is way less fun than it sounds.
Pack Wisely
Random searches of checked bags are routine. Expect yours will be inspected and pack accordingly. Put anything “interesting” in plain sight. This cuts down on the amount of time spent ruffling through your tampons. Tantus Inc owner Metis Black tells the tale of the time the National Security Administration certified her dildo as no threat to national security, “Usually they leave that paper confirming your bags were opened right on top of your clothes. But once I found it in the pocket with personal items; tooth paste, tooth brush, soaps, harness, butt plugs, dildo.... there it was, wrapped around my favorite black dildo. At least I know my sex toys are government approved!”
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Expose Yourself to Art
There are many beautiful glass, acrylic, and metal pieces out there that easily double for art piece. If you blanch at the idea of explaining your G spotter to a brutish X-ray tech, tell him or her it’s sculpture, and that you are a collector.
Portable Equipment
A company called Sportsheets makes a line of restraint toys with nylon straps that travel easily, and look like backpacking equipment. If you are into standing bondage, check out their over-the-door bondage system. It makes the bathroom door in your suite at the W almost as useful as a St Andrews Cross. They also make a portable restraint system that slides under a mattress, instantly turning your hotel bed in a bondage playground.
Travel Light
There’s really no need to pack your Hitachi when a Pocket Rocket works just as well and takes up less space. There are also many incognito vibrators shaped like rubber ducks, lipstick and the like.
DIY Dungeons
If shipping is too much work, when you get to your destination go straight to the local home depot for rope and chains, hit a medical supply store for sharp objects, and head to the grocery store for a couple of rolls of saran wrap.
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