Put Your Lips Together and Blow

I simply cannot think about politics this week. Politics are too dreadful right now, ick. They are boring. There aren't even any good scandals to care about. So instead, I'm just going to think about kissing. Kissing is a much more fun thing to think about and if you think about kissing all day, you'll feel happier and probably find a person to kiss if you  don't have one already.

Kissing is an art and should be approached like one. Kisses should be luxurious. Don't rush. Start very slowly, tentatively even. Start so slowly that the person you are kissing nearly gets mad at you for not kissing her enough. Then hold back even more. Women hate being teased; it makes them fall in love with you.

Not only should you not rush your kisses, you also shouldn't rush into the first kiss. Hold back and get all Tantric on the person you are kissing. Let the erotic energy build. It should feel like your private areas have giant magnets in them and you have to really dig in your heels to make sure you don't go flying across the couch toward the person you are about to kiss. If you don't feel some kind of erotic magnet type thing pulling you closer, you might have to step it up a bit.

Flirt. This is how you flirt; first find some excuse to graze her hand with yours but act  like maybe you have a prosthetic hand and you didn't even feel anything. This way she'll start thinking about touching you. Then she'll start wondering if you touched her accidentally, which of course will make her think about touching you more. Or she may actually wonder if you do really have a prosthetic hand and can't feel anything in which case she'll want to touch you again anyway, to make sure.

Keep the tension up by getting really close to her and just remaining there. She's going to be going crazy wondering if you are doing it on purpose or if you are just a weirdo with no sense of personal space. Either way, she's going to want to do something about it. If you remain there long enough she'll either be forced to kiss you or shove you out a window. If you are on a first date don't be afraid to ask her to kiss you. Do this before she decides you are unbalanced and opts for shoving you out the window.

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Say something ballsy like, "Are you ever going to kiss me?" Don't say it in an annoyed way or she'll either get mad or feel embarrassed. Then she'll probably just go booty call her ex-girlfriend. Instead, say this suggestively, but with confidence. If you don't know what suggestive confidence sounds like you should watch To Have and Have Not on repeat. Practice acting like Lauren Bacall  until you can say "just put your lips together and blow," without it sounding like bad porn dialogue. Then remember how you said that and use that tone during any conversation in which you might start kissing.

Once you start kissing, you should go ahead and tease her with your tongue. Keep it light. Don't go licking her face or she'll feel like she's being kissed by her Golden Retriever. Then close your eyes and think about nothing other than the feelings of her lips. Don't think about laundry or whether you gave your cat his thyroid medicine. Don't think about whether your apartment is too messy to bring her home. Just stay in the kiss for as long as you can. Remember, even when you think you've landed her, she could always change her mind. So, concentrate,  and remember what you learned from Lauren Bacall. If you follow these instructions, the only thing you have to worry about is keeping her interested on the drive home. I recommend keeping all discussions of quinoa, your hair or the problems you are having with your mom for the morning, due to personal experience...