Out On Campus: UCSB

Welcome back to SheWired's exclusive series 'Out on Campus,' brought to you by SheWired Associate Shannon Connolly and Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist.  We are busy combing college campuses across the nation -- or even around the world -- to bring readers a varied perspective on coming out or being out at college.

Enjoy, and if you'd like to be a part of our series please email me at [email protected].

I was miserable my first quarter of college. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was also in the closet. College was in no way similar to what they had prepared me for in high school and what I had always seen in movies. All my life, I had thought of college as this mythical place where I would find artists and musicians around every corner and have long and deep philosophical conversations about poetry and literature and culture and music.

Instead, UC Santa Barbara welcomed me with loud drunken girls in my hall at 3 am and harrowing tales detailing epic nights of Beer Pong tournaments. I wasn’t used to these “ragers” and keg parties that were always broken up by the cops. I missed my family and my friends back home who kept me sane and who kept laughing (it also seemed like no one here appreciated my snarky wit that everyone back home was so fond of).

I kept thinking that maybe I had made a mistake. That maybe I was one of those girls who just “wasn’t cut out for college.” It took me about 10 weeks to realize that I wasn’t looking in the right places and I ultimately wasn’t comfortable with myself here.  As it turns out, the key to my happiness was coming out and I’ve been lucky enough to attend a school that has welcomed this new part of me with open arms.

I suppose my decision to come out was encouraged by the New Year. I decided that I was tired of dating guys and then having to let them down with excuses like “I’m just not looking to date right now” or “I really should be focusing more on school.” I felt like each time I was lying to them, and even more so, to myself. I made it a point to come out upon my arriving back to school. I had no plan for the process -- in fact I was just eager to get this big gay ball rolling.

The first day back I told all of my friends. I didn’t set them down and have a long conversation with them. It was really just an “oh by the way, I’m gay” type conversation. I got huge hugs, big gasps, and a few “NO YOU’RE NOT!”s . Like most, I was nervous about telling my family, but that came easily to me as well, and their support has been the most fantastic part of this journey.

Now, with all of this being said, there are new challenges that I’ve found myself facing. The actively out student community here at UCSB is relatively small. Everyone knows each other, and that means that everyone generally knows each other’s business as well and when I came out, the lesbian phone tree was activated and word spread like wildfire. It made me laugh, and made me nervous at the same time. All I could think was “new blood…fresh meat…CRISPAY!”

Now, I am constantly being set up, and being told “Oh I have the perfect girl for you!” etc.  But being newly out, I haven’t even figured out the “dating” aspect of things. I am completely inexperienced when it comes to flirting or asking girls out -- and unless a girl is totally butch, I have absolutely zero sense of gaydar.

I’ve also realized that I really am a 30-year-old lesbian trapped in a 19-year-old's body: I read SheWired and AfterEllen daily, I’ve seen all of Jill Bennett’s vlogs, and I’m currently saving my money for a ticket to the Dinah. Most of the 19-year-old lesbians I know don’t know what SheWired and AfterEllen are, have no idea who Jill Bennett is, and haven’t heard of Dinah Shore herself, let alone the Dinah Shore Weekend. Times are rough when you can’t discuss the genius that is Jane Lynch with your gay girlfriends.

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Most of these realizations are personal ones, ones that come with the territory of coming out. But I have found some interesting aspects of coming out that are only specific to college and UC Santa Barbara. Often referred to as a “party school”, the Isla Vista party scene is full of crazy keg-sucking bro men who, upon finding out you’re gay, will respond with a variety of statements.

However, there is one common thread I've discoverd... When you tell a group of straight UCSB boys that you’re a lesbian, be prepared for the following reaction: “Want to have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?” That being said, be prepared to answer with a rousing “Hell no!”

I have also encountered what I like to call the Dining Hall Dating Game. This often occurs when I eat with my best girlfriend and her boyfriend’s straight guy posse joins us. They seem to love the fact that I am attracted to women and never miss an opportunity to bring it up during a meal. They will look around and spot multiple girls and simply ask: “Do you think she’s hot? What about her? How about her? Do you think she’s gay?” etc. I love these friends dearly, and this has been amusing at times, but it’s often tedious and tiresome. I have to remind them that I am not just gay. There are a multitude of other things about myself that we can talk about while we sit at dinner.

I’ve learned my way around lately, and as a result, I’ve learned to overlook some of these difficulties now, and not a day goes by that I’m not thankful that I go to UC Santa Barbara.

Upon coming out, I was anxious to get active and become involved, so I joined our two main groups on campus, QSU (Queer Student Union) and FUQIT (Friendly Undergraduate Queers In it Together). I attended my first of these meetings last week, and was overwhelmed with the support and love that was given to me. I hadn’t really met any of these people and yet I was able to be myself right away.

Recently, we’ve been planning our upcoming Pride week as well as organizing a San Francisco trip where many will be standing in front of City hall hoping to have voices heard in regards to Prop 8. It’s an incredibly open and diverse group of people all working together –- allies included, and we’re all there for the same purpose: to have fun, to stay involved, and to help make a difference.

Ultimately, I feel like I’ve found my comfort zone here. My support system and my group of friends here are incredible –- straight and gay alike. We take care of each other and have created a culture of strength and friendship that is really more important than our orientations and simply about being here for each other.

UC Santa Barbara is one of the most open and gay-friendly campuses I’ve encountered, and I count myself lucky to live here. Coming out is never an easy task, and finding your footing in college is hard enough in itself, but here – it’s been easy…even fun.