The most common complaint I hear from long term couples is that after several years their sex lives either get less creative or even dry up completely. If this has happened to you, don’t despair. With some honest, direct communication and a willingness to be vulnerable, you can totally keep things just as hot as they were when you met.
Sometimes all it takes is for one person to open up about things they’d like to bring to the bedroom; so take the leap and start the discussion. Think things through a little. Make sure you have no hidden agendas. This isn’t about altering or ending your relationship, it’s about bringing in new elements to increase your intimacy. If you’ve always fantasized about getting a little kinky, experimenting with bondage or maybe even having a three-way or attending a sex party, it’s time to talk to your significant other.
It’s easier to bring up a new idea if you already have an established open dialogue around sex. If you and your partner have never discussed your sex life openly it’s harder to gauge how he or she will react to new ideas. If this describes you, then start an open dialogue about sex and allow your partner time to feel comfortable with that before mentioning you want to try new things. The most satisfied couples talk about sex as naturally as anything else in their relationship. Start small. Bring up something from your sexual history. Or, over breakfast, mention something that happened the night before. Once you’ve made sex a normal part of your daily conversation it won’t seem nearly as frightening to ask for something new.
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One obstacle to talking with our lovers about our desires is our fear of rejection. It’s difficult to get around the lessons about sex, or about right and wrong, good and bad, that we’re taught growing up. When talking about your sex life, your first priority should be making sure your partner feels secure. Start the discussion by assuring your partner that you want to be with him or her no matter what goes on in the bedroom. Go ahead and confess if you feel awkward or embarrassed. There’s no need to act cool if you don’t really feel it. Tell her you’d like to share some of your fantasies and ask him or her specifically to listen to you.
Broach the topic when you are both in a relaxed and sexy mood. It’s easier to open the discussion if you approach it as pure fantasy. You can ask your lover if he or she has ever thought about being tied up or whatever secret desire you’ve decided to share. Ask your partner whether or not she finds the idea hot. Watch porn together or an erotic movie that depicts the type of fantasy you are interested in acting out. You can also describe a fantasy scene or read an erotic story to your lover that contains a hot scene. Don’t make it into a big thing. Avoid making it seem essential. You want your partner to feel comfortable engaging with the idea for his or her own sake, not just because they feel like they need to please you.
Discussing change and introducing new things to your private life can be a really intimidating thing to do. But look at the payoff! You’ll add variety, learn to experiment, discover things about your self and your lover, and you’ll grow together. All of this makes for a better, stronger, and happier relationship.
Read more of Diana's musingshere.
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