Boys Behaving Badly: Lesbian Sports Enthusiast Sees Big Money

I’m going to admit something to you…I’ve got a sick sense of lesbian-slanted humor. And I’m beginning to wonder why all the male professional athletes’ penises aren’t tucked neatly inside their plastic sports cups with all of the recent news. Titans quarterback Steve McNair was shot four times in an alleged murder suicide, because the girlfriend he was cheating on his wife with got mad because he had yet another girlfriend. Where some see grievous mistake, I see movie script.

The plot thickened on the day of McNair’s funeral with the news that boxer Arturo Gatti’s wife has been detained as the result of his death. How did it happen? His wife has no idea, but in the room where he was strangled was a very bloody purse strap and she had trouble explaining how she was there but didn’t know he was dead for 10 hours.

My purely hypothetical movie continues with People magazine announcing that Tony Romo had broken up with Jessica Simpson the day before her birthday. Sure she was OK during all the other 97 time they broke up, but this might be the straw that breaks her back (or his neck). Will Tony wake up face down in a pool of his own blood? Cue the scary music…audience members are on the edge of their seats.

These guys are complete morons and I think they need a lesson, and I need a summer blockbuster movie: Monster meets The After School Special. Still feeling sorry for these guys? How about this storyline…

The Houston Chronicle writes that an intern for a Houston media organization was asked out by a married baseball player to go to a club later that night. The young lady, who has nearly 700 "friends" on Facebook, then decides to post this message on her Facebook account for over four hours: "Was asked out by (team name and player name) last night and I have his cell phone number to prove it."

At first I felt a bit guilty about using these stories for a movie, and I worried that athletes’ romantic dalliances would kill until there was no one left for the playoffs this year. But then my sense of humor thought how great I’d feel at my own movie premier and what the hell…let’s give those second string and minor league players a chance.