Beyond Vajazzling

Vajazzling, which is just bedazzling your vag with stick-on Swarovski crystals, is a suddenly popular addition to the lexicon thanks to Jennifer Love Hewitt's recent overshare:

Vajazzling, sure, fine, whatever. I can't think of anything terrible about wanting your "special lady" (Hewitt's words, not mine) to shine like a disco ball. The only weird part is her anthropomorphizing a body part with the "special lady" label. It's not a lady. It's part of a lady.

There's something vaguely disturbing about disconnecting yourself from your female parts in that way; like when women name their tits or refer to them as "The Girls."

Limbs don't get that sort of treatment. You'd sound insane if you went around suggesting your leg or elbow or spleen was an autonomous creature. I get the same shiver when I hear someone refer to themselves in the third person. It's as if that person isn't occupying their body. First you're pretending your body parts have their own personalities, next you are getting commands from the toaster. It's a slippery slope, people.

Speaking of slippery slopes, decorating your vag seems fine (full disclosure and likely overshare: my labia are pierced. Don't judge, it was the nineties and I was in San Francisco and that sort of thing was de rigueur.) But there's decorating and then there's remodeling. And remodeling is not only possible it's popular.

It started in the porn industry, which I can mostly understand. If you make a living off your pussy, you can do whatever the hell you want to with it. I've been on lots of porn sets and intimate with porn stars and I can tell you for sure those little pink pussies with perfectly symmetrical labia are manufactured. In magazines it's even weirder. There are designers whose sole job is to reshape and reposition a model's genitals. What I'm saying is, porn pussy is fantasy and should stay that way.

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But like all sorts of other cosmetic procedures, vaginal rejuvenation escaped the San Fernando Valley and spread like a meme on Facebook. Now the "Mommy Makeover" is no more exotic than a boob job. Case in point, this past week marked the International Society of Cosmetogynecology's first Global Symposium on Cosmetic Vaginal Surgery. I checked the list of workshops and presenters, needless to say, none of the physicians presenting at the conference are women. From the ISCGYN website:

This is the fastest growing area of cosmetic surgery as women and surgeons become more aware that the non-medical genital effects of childbirth, weight fluctuations, tissue laxity and anatomic idiosyncrasies can be addressed by a variety of procedures. The leaders and pioneers in this type of surgery are all members of the International Society of Cosmetogynecology.

If you want to change your cunt around you've got lots of options. You can get a mons pubis lift if you want it to look like it's coming right out of your abdomen. You can also get your mons liposuctioned, which would be a terrible mistake. That cushioning is there to protect you and if you've ever had a bony girlfriend or boyfriend banging away on top of you, you get me.

More Frankenpussy options are: labiaplasty, which is getting your labia minora sculpted with a laser to make them smaller, and more symmetrical. This one seems like a waste; if you are going to get them lasered into a new shape, why not go with something fancy like hearts or Minnie Mouse ears?

There's laser rejuvenation, which is laser resurfacing of your vulva so it's pinker and "fresher" looking. I can't even imagine how long that takes to heal. You can get your clit hood circumcised so it doesn't look all droopy, or do its job, which is protecting your clit (I wonder what Hewitt calls her clit?). You can get your outer labia lifted, tucked, augmented, or liposuctioned.  

Among the more romantic options are vagina tightening, though that one requires major surgery. Do a fucking Kegel for Christ's sake. And my absolute favorite: hymenoplasty, which is surgical reconstruction of your hymen. This one would make a great anniversary present for your husband or wife! "Honey, we've been together for 10 years and I thought it would be so romantic if you deflowered me."

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