5 Ways to Talk to Someone You Love When They Say Something Stupid on Facebook

Ah, election season. The time of year when all of your Facebook friends stop posting pictures of babies, cats, or what they had for dinner and become expert political commentators. It’s the perfect time to reflect on how we can stay calm and maintain relationships, even when our usually delightful uncle decides to refer to Hillary only as “that hag” or something equally unsubtly sexist. While it may be tempting to call out our uncle’s sexist word choice on his wall while tagging your aunt and women cousins, it’s probably going to make the next family barbecue pretty uncomfortable, and the odds of it changing his mind are slim.

Calling out a relative, friend, or coworker is a whole different ballgame than putting a celebrity on blast on Twitter—and it’s probably not a game any of us should be playing. Instead, maintain your relationships and call them in. At most, you’ll never see the words “hag” and “emails” in the same sentence again on your wall. At the very least, you’ll understand each other better.

Here are 5 ways to call in someone you love when they’ve said something harmful online.

1) Pinpoint why you’re upset and whether it’s worth discussing.

Your aunt captions a picture of her and her brothers with, “So lucky I had girls. Boys are such a handful!” A part of you thinks, well, that kind of reinforces gender stereotypes that mold girls to be more passive and polite while letting boys get away with bad behavior. But is this really worth talking to you aunt about right in this moment (or ever)?

It’s easy to post select quotes from your gender studies thesis in response. It’s easy to feel superior when you’re looking at a Facebook comment instead of your aunt’s face. Take a few minutes to think about how your aunt treats other women and girls in her life. If it’s really deeper than a single post, have ongoing discussions. Otherwise, leave it alone.

If someone does say something more obviously harmful, summarize why it hurt you or could hurt others in one sentence, and write it down (on a piece of paper, not their wall). Pinpointing the reason you’re upset will help you figure out the best way to address it with the person you love.

2) Come from a place of empathy.
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We are all just a combination of our genetics and our experiences. Interacting with everything we’ve seen, heard, and felt throughout our lives determines how we think things and react.

When someone says something oppressive or harmful and we write them off as stupid or bad, it’s reductive and unproductive. Instead, think about all the experiences that person could’ve had in their life that would lead them to that statement. Then, think about all the experiences you’ve had in your own life that led you to a different conclusion. What experiences led you to harmful conclusions in the past? What experiences changed your mind?

3) Talk to the person you love privately.

When you address someone publically, their first instinct may be to defend themselves. Instead, talk on the phone or, ideally, in person. Be direct but tactful about what you want to discuss. Start with something like, “Hey, I saw you call Hillary a hag on Facebook. I know you don’t agree with her politically, which is fine. But I was a little surprised. You treat the women in your life with a lot of respect, so the language you used caught me off-guard.”

Sometimes that’s all it takes. Often we say or do things without realizing the impact those things will have on others, and when we’re told that impact is harmful and that wasn’t our intent, we’re more than happy to change.

But sometimes that’s not all it takes. Start the conversation with what made them feel that way. Then, discuss how you felt. Keep the language suited to the person you’re talking to. Don’t use overly academic language if it’s not the most effective way to communicate.

4) Be prepared for ongoing discussions.

People rarely change overnight. It usually takes multiple experiences to reinforce new ideas. If you care deeply about someone, give them more than one chance to understand where you’re coming from. Approach each discussion in a new way. You never know what will resonate with someone until you say it.

Continuing a dialogue will help you better understand someone you care about, even if you have to agree to disagree in the end. 

5) Be willing to step away.[iframe https://giphy.com/embed/SxanBZw01Erdu allowfullscreen="" class=^{{"giphy-embed"}}^ frameborder="0" height="417" width="750"]

Sometimes you’ll find that you are not going to be the person to change someone’s mind. That’s okay. There are many people in my life who I don’t always agree with, and I’m sure I’m that person to many people too.

Be firm about what you think is right, but also be willing to acknowledge which things are possible for you to overlook. Sometimes the people we care about have such oppressive opinions that we need to step away from the relationship, but sometimes we just need to step away from the conversation and focus on what we have in common.