5 Reasons I Don't Like Hookup Culture

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By popular definition, a hookup involves some form of brief, sexual intimacy. Hookups can last a few minutes, but don’t usually go beyond a few hours. They are merely a physical act, and anyone involved in them usually shuts down any interactions or connections that might lead to emotional attachment. I’ve enjoyed hooking up (and sometimes I miss it!), but there are plenty of reasons why I just don’t do it any more. So here’s why I don’t like hook up culture.

1. Drinking seems to usually be a part of the equation

Personally, drunk sex isn’t going to happen with me. I like to be aware during a sexual encounter, so I would like my partner to be as well. One drink is one thing, but getting hammered and then trying to have sex is another. Drinking heavily and then trying to engage with sex can also promote rape culture, and alcohol has a tendency to erase communication for safe sexual negotiations.

2. People dismiss feelings

The concepts that a conventional hookup implies are as follows: No feelings. Don’t get jealous when your hookup has sex with other partners. Don’t get attached. Be uninhibited, always. Don’t pay them much attention. Don’t have your feelings hurt if they don’t respond to texts. If anyone has feelings, then they must be trying to force monogamy into the situations and trap the other person into a relationship.

I thought hookups were casual? The level of self-policing that goes into hooking up is exhausting and, quite frankly, makes me sad.

Sex does elicit feelings; sometimes positive emotions spring up, and sometimes negative ones come out as well. Sex can remind you of previous connections, or cause new ones to form. One can still choose to keep things unintentional, even if they have feelings for someone, and you can always talk to them to see if they might be interested in making the relationship more serious. If it doesn't work and things need to end because someone wants something more serious, that’s okay — there is nothing wrong with expressing that need.

3. Online dating passes off bigotry as a mere "fondness" for certain groups

Excluding a race, presentation, or body type while using language like “preference” is prejudiced and narrow-minded.  There’s really no argument there.  "Not Fats," "No Femmes," "No Asians," "Masc Only" are all dehumanizing ideologies.

4. It can be risky

HIV, STI’s, and pregnancy can all be unwanted factors in hooking up. I’ve been lied to about someone’s status before. Aside from infections and potential baby decisions, hooking up means you spend time naked and alone with someone you don’t know well. The faux intimacy could put you at risk for anything from emotional damage, to being physically taken advantage of. I had a guy take his condom off during a hook up once. Yeah, it was a total dick move and is blurred assault because of how he broke my boundaries, but I was also at fault for allowing someone who I didn’t know and did not trust to touch my body. Whenever you hook up, there is a lot of potential for it to be unsafe.

5. Bad sex

Hookup culture is, quite possibly, and above all other things, incongruous. After having hookups, sex can become thoughtless and mechanical, because emotion isn’t allowed in. We don’t sexually connect with all people. A profile photo on a dating app or a drunken conversation really isn’t a good indicator of whether or not you will have sexual chemistry with someone.

Sex is supposed to be a time when people can let go of repression. Hook up culture does fight oppressive behaviors in traditional monogamy, but it can also cause people to repress things themselves.