Polyamory is trendy. Of course, the gays have been hip to the benefits of open relationships long before the straights even heard the term "ethical non-monogamy." But with open relationships becoming more and more accepted, and as per usual when subcultures go mainstream, people are confused. The terms "polyamory" and "ethical non-monogamy" are being conflated. Polyamory literally means "many loves," or to have more than one partner. Polyamorous people often both date and sleep with more than one person, so it's different than a sexually-open, consensual, non-monogamous relationship. Ethical non-monogamy just means all partners are aware and consent to the openness, unlike cheating, which is an unethical form of non-monogamy. Or, you may find that monogamy is best for you.
What's important to know is that you have options, and they aren't just limited to full-on monogamy and full-on polyamory. While there as many ways to be in a relationship as there are couples, here are nine different relationship formats for you to consider.
In a monogamous relationship, you and your partner agree to only see one another. With open relationships becoming normalized, you may feel like you're a bit boring if you're monogamous. This is false. Some people are better suited for monogamy, and for them, trying open relationships can be messy and painful (although it's okay to experiment). Not to mention, monogamy comes with many benefits. For one, if everyone is faithful and aware of each other's status, STI and HIV transmission becomes less of a concern. There's commitment, partnership, and scheduling dates is so much easier when there's only one other person involved. To be honest, with so many people entering open relationships, monogamy is likely more taboo than ever these days, so good on you for being so radical!
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for open relationships where both (or all, shout out to throuples) parties have agreed upon openness. If you're going to be in a non-monogamous relationship, choose an ethical one over a non-ethical one (cheating), please.
Polyamory, as mentioned, translates in Latin to "many loves." Unlike simply a sexually-open relationship, polyamorous people both date and have sex with multiple partners. If you've consistently struggled in monogamy, or find yourself feeling that you have too much love to share with just one person, polyamory may be for you. However, it's not just one big orgy (maybe sometimes, but not always). Think about how hard maintaining one relationship is. Poly people do it with multiple partners! There's feelings, sex, and schedules to consider. However, if it's your calling and you can make it work, you may actually experience love the way you were meant to once you discover polyamory. Most cities have polyamorous communities where you can learn from, and meet other poly people.
In hierarchical poly, you have one primary partner, and then one or more secondary partners. You and your primary may appear on the outside to be monogamous. You care about your secondary partners, who often have primaries of their own, however, you and your primary agree that your relationship and commitment comes first.
Solo poly relationships reject relationship hierarchy. If you value independence and aren't interested in a singular partnership, this may be the best poly format for you. Solo poly people can have multiple partners, but they keep all of their relationships on equal playing ground rather than prioritize one over the rest.
Those in sexually-open relationships usually agree to only date, love, and be emotionally involved with one another, but make room for sex with other people. This could mean threesomes, it could mean a "don't ask, don't tell policy," but the basic principle is that you're in a relationship with one other person, but every now and then you can sleep with others. Especially if you're not using condoms in your relationship, remember to always discuss STI statuses with new partners. Additionally, while sexually open relationships are a wonderful option if you're doubtful about the long-term success of monogamy, but don't want full-on polyamory, remember that in open relationships, STIs are often the least of your worries. What you really need to worry about catching from new partners is feelings.
Swingers are couples that play (read: have sex with) other couples. The four people may all have sex, or they may swap spouses for a night. Compared to other open relationships, swingers usually at least present the most monogamous or "traditional" to those who don't know about their lifestyle. Like, swingers will go to PTA meetings, and the only other people who know that they're swingers are the other parent swingers. You can be a swinger and not have kids, but for some reason, parenthood and being a swinger seem to go together well. Typically, swingers do not consider themselves polyamorous, and to be totally frank, sometimes poly people make fun of swingers. Why the beef?
Relationship anarchy is a slightly pretentious term for a relationship format that rejects sex and romance as the glue that keeps partnerships together. To a relationship anarchist, a friend, a "nesting partner," a lover, and a boyfriend or a girlfriend may all hold equal weight and importance. Relationship anarchy also believes in flexibility, and freedom to define commitment as what works for you. Some relationships are polyamorous, but it's different from polyamory, as polyamory still considers love and sex to be a primary component of partnerships, there's just more than two partners.
"Monogamish" is a term coined by Dan Savage that refers to a relationship that is primarily monogamous, but with exceptions. It's a flexible label used for flexible relationships. A monogamish relationship may be monogamous most of the time, but if once in a while you're like, "Honey, I could really use a blowjob from someone hot whose name I don't know," that can be arranged without destroying the relationship.
