You in the States and we over here in the UK have a fair bit in common, actually, especially if we’re queer. But when it comes to dating, there are a few subtle but common differences in approach and understanding that it’s important to bear in mind…
1)Lesbian Sheep Syndrome
This is a major deal over here. Even though the UK is probably more secular and more accepting than swathes of the US, particularly in cities, many of us still haven’t evolved effective same-sex flirting abilities. (We are working on this.) Many many queer ladies, myself included, have a seduction technique that essentially consists of standing still very quietly on the other side of the room glancing at the beautiful object of our desires and then LOOKING AWAY VERY QUICKLY JUST IN CASE SHE NOTICES. This is about as effective as you’d expect. Consequently, the direct approach is often very much appreciated.
2)Dating expectations
I gather from my researches that dating in America often involves *going on actual dates* with a person. Like, planned dates with a defined activity and often one party paying for the other. That doesn’t happen here so much. Mostly we hang out doing things or talking (often in pubs. Pubs are a big thing over here, and they’re not the same as bars*). It’s all a lot more informal, and some of us get quite creeped out by someone offering to pay (like, what else might you be trying to buy? My sexual favours are not for sale!) This changes according to relative income and/or how well we know each other – my most recent girl date bought me sushi because she knew I was broke and could never afford it for myself – but we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months at that point. On the other hand, we’re often unlikely to be ‘dating’ more than one person at once unless we’re openly negotiating on that basis (which lots of us do). If you’re ‘seeing someone’, it’s often assumed you’re only seeing them unless someone’s explicitly stated otherwise.
*A UK-based American friend describes the British pub as ‘a cross between a restaurant, a bar, and somebody’s front room’, which pretty much sums it up. We don’t have the whole bar culture thing so much, where everyone’s there to pick up. We’re a lot more shambolic than that. See point 1).
3) Sex
My researches indicate that British people in general tend to be a lot less hung up and ‘prudish’ about sex than American people. I imagine that where the Americans in question come from has some influence here – like, somebody from the Bay Area is probably going to be more accustomed to encountering and discussing sexual and gender variation than someone from the heart of rural Wales – but my informal and unscientific survey of queer-identified Americans in Britain (and Brits who’ve dated Americans) indicates that we are likely to be a decent shag. (That’s an English expression meaning Good in Bed. We’ll come back to this.) One person summed it up as ‘dating in Britain is awesome if you're a smart person who likes sex’, and on behalf of my countrywomen I’ll, ah, take that.
4) Humour
The British sense of humour tends to the self-deprecating and sarcastic. We like understatement, deadpanning, subtle digs, raised eyebrows, self-conscious irony, all that sort of thing. We also, if my queer communities are anything to go by, enjoy silliness, cleverness and shiny things, but it does mean that if you’re not sure whether we’re joking, we probably are.
There’s also a slight tendency amongst Brits to joke during dark or emotionally fraught moments, in an often vain attempt to ease tensions and re-establish rapport. Often Americans don’t like or get this. Please be patient with us. We’re just trying to navigate treacherous waters the best way we know how.
5) Cultural references
It really, really helps if you have some awareness of British cultural references and/or politics. There’s a lot of queer activist/political activist overlap. But even if reading long articles about austerity cuts and the future of the Labour Party is not your bag, it really helps if you know your way around English comedy (or at least are willing to watch it.) Monty Python! Blackadder! The Mighty Boosh! Have I Got News for You! Radio 4! Fawlty Towers, apparently, although I personally hate that one! It’s not that we don’t like American shows – hell, we mainline OITNB just like you do – but lots of us are particularly attached to the comedy we grew up with, and if you get that you are IN.
6) Class
I am given to understand that the American class system is essentially governed by - if not how far back your ancestors got off the boat - how much money you’ve had for how long. It all comes down to money. The British class system is…different, and complicated, and to do with things like where you grew up and what culture you like and how educated your parents were and what school/college you went to and how you talk and dress and who you vote for as much as how much money you have. Often it has little to do with how much money you have, actually, bankrupt or impoverished aristocrats are kinda a British tradition. And we’re touchy about it, as well. So, tread warily, don’t make assumptions, and maybe let your date introduce the subject first (unless you really want to know an improbable amount about her father’s family background and her middle-class struggles at a predominantly working-class school redeemed by a degree from Oxbridge). Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
7)Politics
The UK in general is somewhat to the left of the US, and often particularly so in queer communities. People tend to be quite proud of things like the NHS and the Welfare State, even if they disagree about the fine detail. Queer women are also disproportionately likely to be affected by the current austerity drive by the Conservative government. You are not going to win yourself any friends by dissing the concept of socialised medicine, or a social safety net, or unionisation, or by using sentences like ‘but I have the money, why shouldn’t I be treated first?’ Unless you’re trying to pick up at the local Conservative Club, in which case good luck to you and we’d all like to watch the videos afterwards because they will be hilariously awful.
8)Language (i): vocabulary
We will laugh hysterically EVERY TIME you say ‘pants’. We just will. To us, pants means panties. We have pavements and lorries and shops instead of sidewalks and trucks and grocery stores, we’re ‘grown up’ rather than ‘grown’, we throw things in waste-paper baskets or bins rather than trash cans. You’ll get used to it. We also have some absurd and ridiculous terms for sex (hence ‘shag’) and some really hilarious regional variation. ‘Getting off’ in rural Hertfordshire is kissing, up north it’s hooking up, in London it means orgasm.
9)Language (ii): understatement, overstatement, intensifiers.
One UK friend dating an American girl notes that British people – especially middle-class British people, which is a fair few people on the queer scene – often use intensifiers and diminutives in the place of each other. "A bit good" means amazing; "really very interesting" means dull. Direct communication for Brits seems like understatement to Americans. ‘Quite beautiful’ over here means you’re stunning, in America it means (I gather) that you’re okay but nothing to write home about. (We use odd metaphors all the time as well. Sorry.) We also spend a lot of time trying to tell people to fuck off without actually saying the words, it’s a bit like a national hobby. Watch out for phrases like ‘it’s been great, but…’ and in extreme cases ‘Thank you SO MUCH for coming.’
10)Holidays
We don’t do Thanksgiving. To us, Christmas is the big turkey celebratory dinner where everyone goes to visit their families and the vast majority of people celebrate even if they’re not Christian. (I’m a secular Jew, and *I* celebrate Christmas). If your girlfriend invites you home for Christmas, it’s like you invited her home for Thanksgiving, and it’s a big deal. It’s a national holiday, and everyone has time off. New Year’s Day, also. Same for Easter, mostly (although ‘celebrate’ here is largely ‘buy each other chocolate’) and we have these weird random national holidays called Bank Holidays. We don’t have President’s Day, or 4th July (although we do have Guy Fawkes’ night on November 5th – anti-Catholic is sorta the same as anti-British, right?). We celebrate Halloween, but possibly in a more low-key way than you guys do. It is entirely possible to attend a Halloween party not in fancy dress (that's 'costume' to you) although some of us will take any opportunity. Most of us aren’t religious, though, there’s a whole rich secular life here that apparently comes as a shock to Americans. On the other hand, you guys seem to have parties at every conceivable opportunity, and parties always seem to involve spending. Bridal showers? Baby showers? What even are these?
11) The bad stuff
The general consensus seems to be that homophobia is much quieter in the UK, and microaggressions take the form of invasive personal questions and assumed heteronormativity rather than overt discrimination or public insults. We are much less likely to face dire professional or medical consequences for 'coming out' than Americans, because we have legislation about that sort of thing, so we're probably more likely to be out in all spheres of our lives than people are in the States. That said, there are douchebags who watch terrible porn everywhere, so it's not like idiots never yell bad things in the street. In general, though, we're here, we're queer, and we'd love to have a chat over a beer. Or something.
NB. Many many thanks to my infinitely generous research subjects - Moran, Erin, Madeleine, Stephani, Merc, Holly, Johanna, Dan, Jamian, Suzanne, Psyche, and everyone else, who answered the most personal of questions with wit and charm.
