By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
How to come out to your partner as transgender
Happy National Coming Out Day! If you're trans and ready to start telling other people, we have 5 tips to help you share the good news with your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or various paramours!
So, you've figured out you're transgender — congratulations! It can be hard, yes, but not because being trans is hard, but because other people can make it hard. Being trans can be a wonderful, extraordinary, and vibrant experience.
As trans author Daniel M. Lavery said in his book Something That May Shock and Discredit You, "As my friend Julian puts it, only half winkingly: 'God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.'"
Now comes the time when you might be ready to share the news with those important to you, like family, friends, or in this case partners. How do you go about something like that? Starting today, on National Coming Out Day, seems like a good place to start. It lets you pick a date with intention, and you'll be in good company with queer people coming out all over. But where do you go from there? We have 5 tips to help you share the good news with your partner (or partners)!
There's probably a LOT you want to say, but having a script and practicing it beforehand will set you up for the most success. It's easy to get lost, or go off on tangents, so write down the most important parts and stick to them during the initial conversation.
When planning what to say, try narrowing your thoughts down to what feels most important about your own personal experience with your transness. You can also try talking with other people in the trans community about what coming out to their partners has been like, what they said or what they would have said if they were doing it again for the first time. There's also an extensive number of coming out videos that you can draw inspiration from.
It might also be helpful to prepare answers to frequently asked questions beforehand. Your partner might have questions about your plans for transitioning. They might ask about if/when you want to: go on hormones, pursue any gender affirming surgery, change your name. Or you might want to prepare answers about how long you've known, what your internal journey has been like, or what the plan is for coming out to other friends and family.
Once you have a rough idea of what you want to say, practice, practice, practice! Practice with yourself, and if you've already come out to other people, ask them if you can practice with them. Try to practice with other members of your queer community, as they will have the best advice, and are likely to offer the best support.
You may have a relationship to being trans and coming out that changes when you tell your partner. Maybe you were feeling excited, or anticipatory, but sharing this is bringing up new anxieties you weren't feeling before. Or it could be vice versa — you were feeling scared or unprepared, and now you're feeling more hopeful.
Sharing something like this is bound to change your own internal process, but no matter what remember that you know yourself and what you're doing (even if none of us really know what we're doing).
Don't judge yourself for however your feelings transition along with your own transition. Let your feelings ebb and flow like waves, leave yourself open to being surprised by what you feel.
And if things don't quite go according to plan, give it some time and know you will be okay.
Picking a positive place or activity to do while coming out can help set the right tone.
This doesn't have to be somewhere isolated- it could be a restaurant or coffee shop. Or, a walk or physical activity could be a good choice. Walking can help give anxious energy somewhere to go.
Choose a time when you have few time constraints, and a time when you can focus on just each other. Even if coming out ends up being uneventful, it's smart to do it when you're not in a rush. Plan to have ample time to share, for your partner to ask questions, and for you to have time together after.
Or, maybe it's not! If transitioning is a road trip, this might have been a journey that your partner has been riding shotgun with you for sometime. They might have even done some of the navigating, helping you both figuring out the pit stops and destination.
Or, you might have played your cards a little closer to your chest, not wanting to share these feeling until you were sure and ready. Even if the other person might have suspected this for some time, coming out can be a big deal. Whatever the case, remember that you spend more time with yourself than anyone else does. You've had more time to process and live with this reality than anyone else.
You don't have to put up with hate or degradation, but try to give your partner room to explore some of the feelings you might have experienced early in your own realization: shock, confusion, apprehension. Also remember that one can experience those while also feeling excitement, joy, and pride. These can all exist together, and a complex response from your partner does not mean they love or support you any less.
In addition to preparing what you want to say before hand, try preparing a list of experiences you're excited to share with your partner now as your most authentic self. It doesn't have to be long, and they can be as outlandish or as mundane as you want.
It might be helpful for you to share this vision of the future with your partner. For example, maybe you're looking forward to a fancy date night, all dolled up in clothing that affirms who you really are. You might be excited to experience new firsts together.
You could also share what would make you feel most supported right now, and ask your partner the same.
Whatever it is, making a deliberate plan to share what you're looking forward to doing with your partner will hopefully be a grounding experience for both of you. At a time where a lot seems to be changing, it'd be nice to take a moment to go out of your way to say, "There's a bright future ahead, and you and I are in it together."
Rowan Ashley Smith has often been described as "a multi-hyphenate about town." He loves work that connects him to his cultures as a gay, Jewish, multiracial trans man. Before breaking into journalism, the best days of his professional life were spent as a summer camp professional, a librarian, and an HIV prevention specialist. His work has been featured in GO Magazine, pride.com, and The Advocate. In what is left of his free time, Rowan enjoys performing stand up comedy, doing the NYT crossword, and spending time with his two partners, two children, and four cats.
Rowan Ashley Smith has often been described as "a multi-hyphenate about town." He loves work that connects him to his cultures as a gay, Jewish, multiracial trans man. Before breaking into journalism, the best days of his professional life were spent as a summer camp professional, a librarian, and an HIV prevention specialist. His work has been featured in GO Magazine, pride.com, and The Advocate. In what is left of his free time, Rowan enjoys performing stand up comedy, doing the NYT crossword, and spending time with his two partners, two children, and four cats.
